I think you have it right on the money. As many of us had said before, the way our DDJ spouse or love one behaved since he/she became ill, was as if they had dual personalities. My ex switched between loving me almost obssesively, to cruel, mean and punishing.
I now know that it was not healthy at all, for me to "endure" through his Mr. Hyde stage, for the love of his Dr. Jekyll stage. I believe this is exactly how mental abusement is like -- One lives through the harshness for the glimpse of kindness. Though it might not be my ex's "full" intention (at least not the Dr. Jekyll part of him) to abuse me, I know that it was entirely intentional when he was in his Mr. Hyde personality, to punish me. When he was Mr. Hyde, he was manic and at great rage, there was no amount of punishment (to me) in the world that would justify his suffering (from his delusions)
I did try to take care of him, to love him unconditionally. However, I now admit that I was not psychologically strong enough to be able to keep my head clear, and not to get confused and caught up by actions from his Mr. Hyde personality. In fact, in the process of taking care of him, I had lost myself. I had given in too much, that both his Mr. Hyde and Dr Jekyll personalities, and I eventually lost respects for me.
As my ex husband's DDJ progressed, he became more and more consumed by Mr. Hyde. After he filed for divorce, which was his "ultimate" punishment to me, there was nothing I could do to help him anymore -- Mr. Hyde took that legal position away from me. DDJ is not only cruel to us spouses and love ones, but it is probably one of the cruelest illness that could happen to a person. It is so self-destructive and so forcefully robs all possibilities of happiness from the sufferer. I so feel like being in a nightmare and it is very very sad if he ever feels like being in a nightmare too. We were once best friends and soul mates.
I had suspected what WifeofDDJ speculated that maybe my ex-husbnad's own desires was the underlying trigger for his DDJ. However, I have come so far, it does not seem to matter anymore.
What matters are, we once had a beautiful life and family together, that was real; and now we are divorced and apart. this is real, too.