This forum theme has helped me so much. Now what just happened to me finally makes sense.
I have been dating a woman for the past five months. Throughout our relatively brief time together, her jealous accusations escalated until she dropped me for another man. Here was a perfect example of DDJ with projections.
If I spent too long in the bathroom, she would accuse me of texting another lover. Even in public, if I was checking my phone, I was erasing my emails so she could not see them. I must have erased the trash, only for the entries I was hiding. That there were no offending emails in the trash only proved I was a "master manipulator" always "one step ahead" of her accusations. She was convinced I was secretly still in love with at least one of my exes.
She created many crazy scenarios, all of which were possible but highly unlikely (for example she was convinced I had another woman in the house when I was calling from home on a night we were not together).
Throughout all this time, she told me she was having lunch once a week with en ex-boyfriend who was "just a friend" and whom she knew to be a liar, cheater and ladies man.
This past week, after many rocky fights, mostly about her finding signs that were close to "proof" of my infidelity, she finally found her "absolute proof" which was a reply to my ex which told her clearly that I had moved on (btw: my ex was another DDJ; we need a forum post on why some of us tend to keep choosing DDJ types, since this ended up being my third relationship of this type). But in the middle of this reply I said "I think of you all the time, but when I do I realize that we could never get along, so I have moved on". Of course this "all the time" part was taken completely out of context, because to her "it could only mean one thing"; this served as the final "proof" she needed.
She ended up speaking to her ex-boyfriend about all the supposed things I did to her. He confirmed: "yep he hanged himself with that one!"
So what did she do? Without even giving me an opportunity to explain the meaning of the post, she informed me that I had "slammed her head against the wall" with this betrayal, and that she needed to go back with this ex, who would give her the emotional comfort to recover from my cheating, lying ways. She added that she knew he was a cheating ladies man, but that she could trust him to be there when she needed him, unlike me.
And that was it! Done. Dropped without warning by phone. All because she found "proof" in my reply to an ex that she took completely out of context. And, more to the point, her accusations of my cheating with an ex were definitely a projection of her own desire to leave me for her ex.
Earlier in the day, after making up from the previous lack-of-trust rupture the day before, she asked me if I was sure I loved her and wanted to be with her, because she was worried that -- now that she trusted me -- I would pull away and reject her. Of course I reassured her that I was in love with her and would never leave her. I reiterated that I do not mind her asking me when she needs to check out her suspicions, as long as she then calms down after I show her that her suspicions were groundless.
Now it all makes sense: she accused me of wanting to cheat when she was the one intending to cheat. She was the one who kept rejecting and breaking it off with me, while she maintained that I was not in love with her and had lots of other lovers. Everything she said and did was total projection. Everything she did to me, she would blindly accuse me of doing to her. Meanwhile I was loving, attentive, trusting, and usually patient (I admit: at times I exploded in helpless rage from her crazy treatment of me, but usually I was patient). I could not explain how I could be treated this way.
I have been in a stunned state of shock and protest for the past several days. Now, by understanding a little about DDJ with projection, I am getting some understanding of what was just done to me. What a great reality check: I am not crazy here; I have been involved with an emotionally disturbed woman with a known clinical syndrome.
So thank you for this forum and thread. It is helping me understand how this woman I fell in love with could end up treating me in such a terrible way, and ultimately abandon me for another man, after accusing me of wanting to do the same to her.