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delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

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Re: delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

Postby leavingthedarkness » Mon Jan 11, 2010 1:46 pm

She said that it usually goes on to the next adult female not the children, but there is a catch. If you have a daughter he could project his delusions onto her when she gets to the age where she is interested in boys and dating.. I have a girl. I'm still scared about that.


I have a teen girl and a 7 years old son. For a while, my ex-husband seemed to be favored our son. (Our girl was very angry at her father for a while.) Fortunately, he corrected his behaviors after I approached both of my in-laws and asked them to communicate with my ex-husband regarding this. Now he has been "spoiling" our teen daughter. For example, he gave her excessive and expensive presents for her birthday and jewerly for X'mas.

I hope all of the "spoiling" are only normal behaviors from a father over-compensating because of the divorce. After reading Movingon's above post, it does put an alarm in my head. My husband's attitude towards our teen daughter, sort of reminds me of the last 12 months (before he filed for divorce) of his attitude towards me -- He flip-flopped between obsessively loving and romantic, and loathing accusation "episodes".

What also worrys me (more) is the likelyhood of his DD branches into other subtypes -- I keep my fingers crossed for that.
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Re: delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

Postby wifeofDDJ » Tue Jan 12, 2010 11:41 pm

Dear leavingthedarkness,

I have made the same observations and have the same worries as you. I have not told my kids (12 and 10) that I suspect my husband suffers from DDJ or that he has accused me of cheating. I believe that preserving the kids' good relationship with their father should remain priority #1. That said, I want to keep my eyes open in case he starts the whole DDJ nonsense with one of them. I realize that I will have to stay vigilant for years as his DDJ may not surface with them for sometime. I still cannot believe that for 20 years my husband showed no sign of overt jealousy with me and how quickly EVERYTHING changed.

I miss him.... I mean the way he used to be.
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Re: delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

Postby Beautiful Mind » Wed Jan 13, 2010 1:21 am

Dear wifeofDDJ and leavingthedarkness,

Just a word of caution.... when I became aware of my husband's DDJ, he had already been telling family and friends that he believed I was a lesbian, etc... I was totally in the dark about these thoughts he had about me for about 2 years!!! Color me stupid I guess... However, once it became clear to me about what he was thinking, we agreed that we would not talk to our girls (at the time ages 5 months, 4, 8, and 10)...

I kept my end of the bargain and thought he would too. Later, I discovered that when he'd take our 8 & 10 year old girls for a walk around the block (while I stayed home with the 5 month old and 4 year old), he was telling them that mommy was in love with someone else and would probably be leaving... his stories got worse and worse... even telling them about what he thought I was doing sexually... I mean how much do 8 & 10 year olds know about sex in the first place... anyway, the girls are now 19 and 20 and understand their dad has an mental illness. But looking back, they said they sort of believed him. He'd tell them that if they said anything to me, I would be VERY angry and deny everything... he also told them that if he was lying, he'd run down the block naked. Of course they thought, wow, he must be telling the truth if he's willing to risk having to run down the block naked! When they continued to ask him how he was so sure about what he was saying, he told them, "when you're married and have sex with someone, you know them better than anybody else does." Again, as children they probably thought, yeah, that makes sense... The saddest thing is that he did think he was telling them the truth... so I couldn't fully despise him for doing it... However, DDJ or not, a promise is a promise... and we made a promise that we would not expose the children to our dilema.

So please, be very careful and AWARE of what your children may already be exposed to...

P.S. My then 4 year old is now 14 and he's been telling her the same kind of things... Luckily, she understands what's going on (she has lived through it most of her life now) and doesn't dwell on what he says. I suspect he'll start on our 10 year old soon.

Take care, Beautiful Mind
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Re: delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

Postby Therion999 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:07 am

My experience is an interesting variation of this observation. My ex's DJ was actually a projection of her desires onto the NONEXISTENT PARTY...! After our inevitable break-up and my subsequent engagement with another woman, my ex wanted me to do EVERYTHING with HER that she had delusionally claimed I was doing with someone ELSE... ie. she wanted me to CHEAT with her, LIE to my fiance, and talk DISRESPECTFULLY about her...! Yup, Delusional Jealousy can certainly be a very complicated pathology...
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Re: delusional jealousy as projection of one's own desires

Postby gzumba » Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:52 am

This forum theme has helped me so much. Now what just happened to me finally makes sense.

I have been dating a woman for the past five months. Throughout our relatively brief time together, her jealous accusations escalated until she dropped me for another man. Here was a perfect example of DDJ with projections.

If I spent too long in the bathroom, she would accuse me of texting another lover. Even in public, if I was checking my phone, I was erasing my emails so she could not see them. I must have erased the trash, only for the entries I was hiding. That there were no offending emails in the trash only proved I was a "master manipulator" always "one step ahead" of her accusations. She was convinced I was secretly still in love with at least one of my exes.

She created many crazy scenarios, all of which were possible but highly unlikely (for example she was convinced I had another woman in the house when I was calling from home on a night we were not together).

Throughout all this time, she told me she was having lunch once a week with en ex-boyfriend who was "just a friend" and whom she knew to be a liar, cheater and ladies man.

This past week, after many rocky fights, mostly about her finding signs that were close to "proof" of my infidelity, she finally found her "absolute proof" which was a reply to my ex which told her clearly that I had moved on (btw: my ex was another DDJ; we need a forum post on why some of us tend to keep choosing DDJ types, since this ended up being my third relationship of this type). But in the middle of this reply I said "I think of you all the time, but when I do I realize that we could never get along, so I have moved on". Of course this "all the time" part was taken completely out of context, because to her "it could only mean one thing"; this served as the final "proof" she needed.

She ended up speaking to her ex-boyfriend about all the supposed things I did to her. He confirmed: "yep he hanged himself with that one!"

So what did she do? Without even giving me an opportunity to explain the meaning of the post, she informed me that I had "slammed her head against the wall" with this betrayal, and that she needed to go back with this ex, who would give her the emotional comfort to recover from my cheating, lying ways. She added that she knew he was a cheating ladies man, but that she could trust him to be there when she needed him, unlike me.

And that was it! Done. Dropped without warning by phone. All because she found "proof" in my reply to an ex that she took completely out of context. And, more to the point, her accusations of my cheating with an ex were definitely a projection of her own desire to leave me for her ex.

Earlier in the day, after making up from the previous lack-of-trust rupture the day before, she asked me if I was sure I loved her and wanted to be with her, because she was worried that -- now that she trusted me -- I would pull away and reject her. Of course I reassured her that I was in love with her and would never leave her. I reiterated that I do not mind her asking me when she needs to check out her suspicions, as long as she then calms down after I show her that her suspicions were groundless.

Now it all makes sense: she accused me of wanting to cheat when she was the one intending to cheat. She was the one who kept rejecting and breaking it off with me, while she maintained that I was not in love with her and had lots of other lovers. Everything she said and did was total projection. Everything she did to me, she would blindly accuse me of doing to her. Meanwhile I was loving, attentive, trusting, and usually patient (I admit: at times I exploded in helpless rage from her crazy treatment of me, but usually I was patient). I could not explain how I could be treated this way.

I have been in a stunned state of shock and protest for the past several days. Now, by understanding a little about DDJ with projection, I am getting some understanding of what was just done to me. What a great reality check: I am not crazy here; I have been involved with an emotionally disturbed woman with a known clinical syndrome.

So thank you for this forum and thread. It is helping me understand how this woman I fell in love with could end up treating me in such a terrible way, and ultimately abandon me for another man, after accusing me of wanting to do the same to her.
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