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help me hold on

Delusional Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

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Postby coldhands » Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:43 am

It is an extreme case but unfortunately too common.
You need to break it off him with it’s as simple as that.
You already endured way too much abuse to even consider giving him a second more of your consideration.
If you don’t leave him now that means he has already chipped away at any last shred of self esteem and you will probably live the rest of your life dependant on some abusive man for your sense of self worth.
I don't know much about his disorder but no matter what is wrong with him he has to have some level of accountabilty for his actions.
Break it off, it might mean that you spend the next three years heartbroken but you will eventually look back and say that was the best decision you ever made.
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Postby peb671 » Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:31 pm

well, im just gonna give an update. i spoke with him this morning and at first he was very combative but he started calming down. I had him talked into coming home up until about 4:30 this evening. I was going to go get him and bring him home since his transmission went out on his car. I thought I was having transmission problems of my own, so I had the mechanic take a look at it before I made the hour long drive to get him. Well, my transmission was fine, but my brakes were in bad shape. I got new brakes/rotors and had them installed. When the mechanic took the brakes apart, one of my calipers locked up. I wasnt going to pay for new calipers when I have 2 brand new ones here at home. i will take them to the mechanic tomorrw and have them put on, but in the mean time, the mecahnicsaid to drive home and nowhere else because the caliper could lock up. i told this to my DDJ and he went nuts accusing me of using it as an excuse t have one more night to have sex with someone else. He said that if I knew that I needed one last hoorah i should have never told him to come home yet. he sent me an email prior to that saying "please dont make a fool out of me..i'm begging you" I did what everyone suggested and told him that I had no control over the brakes or what happened and wasnt going to defend it anymore. I also told him that if he chose to believe his version of the truth there was nothing i could do to change that, but if he decided to believe the actual truth he would know where to find me. Im not the most sociable person and go straight home from work and then usually play cards and listen to music all night or i read or do crosswords. theres no wondering where im at..lol. He pretty much tried to bait me and told me that he was gonna go find himself one last hoorah too (which i know better than that..he is just like me in that he never leaves the house) not only that but his mom would kick his ass if he even thought of being with someone else right now. He told me he didnt want to talk to me and i told him that was fine that i still love him in spite of all the things hes saying and that i would be here if he changed his mind but i wasnt going to let him pull me into a fight. that was 1 1/2 hours ago.
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Postby chloe09 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 12:10 am

Peb, good on you for not getting pulled into his accusations, that's very hard to do!! I bet you knew when you found out you couldn't drive your car further than home, that your partner would crack it with you?? I think they become very predictable!

I'm part of a support group for partners of people with a mental illness, and they sent me this last night, I think you could benefit from it as well:

Caring for a partner with a mental illness can be a frightening journey into chaos, pain and confusion.
.
Feelings of blame, responsibility, shame, anger, frustration are all part of a healing journey, and all part of the chaos that surrounds caring about someone who has the disorder. Those with a mental illness can be experts at blaming their problems and issues on everyone but themselves, and doing such a great job that many others (family, friends, social workers) are often fooled into blaming you for the problems.
.
It is NOT your fault.
You did not cause the disorder.
You cannot control the disorder.
You cannot cure the disorder.


You can take charge of your own life, create healthy boundaries and enforce them with your partner, thus helping them begin a healing journey of their own, if they wish. If they do not wish, and choose other wise, IT IS, STILL, NOT YOUR FAULT.

Take care
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Postby peb671 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:35 am

thank you chloe..i needed that
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Postby chloe09 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:33 am

You're welcome :)
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Postby peb671 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:16 am

ok...not really expecting any responses..just needing to scream and kick something and cant...so im gonna vent on here. he has been signing on to messenger all night off and on and viewing my cam. he has broken up with me then signs off...signs back on and watches the cam because he says he is trying to let me go but he cant and just needs to see my beautiful face again one last time. then he signs off..signs back on and says stuff along the same lines..but throws in accusations the whole time. i thought hed gone to bed and so i finally figured it was safe to break down without him seeing how bad his words hurt and he signs back on and sees me crying and then goes off on a tangent about how my f**k for the night must be married or something to have me weeping like a little bitch. how can you love someone and hate them so much at the same time. i know hes sick, but how can he say the things he does and not even care that hes tearing me apart?
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Postby chloe09 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:36 am

Peb, rant and rave and vent as much as you need to, god knows I have been!

He sounds extremely abusive peb and I think you should turn OFF that cam right away, do you leave it on at all times? I'm not sure how they work. But either way, as you said, he's broken up with you and has NO right to be viewing you on cam and dropping in when he wants to hurl abuse at you. That is emotional torture at it's worst, and YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!! I cannot stress that enough.

Actually can you record these rantings and abuse from him?? I would, then you can use it as evidence if you need to. Sounds extreme I know, but in the long run, it's for his own good.

I've taken to turning my mobile phone off after a certain time at night (when I know my partner will be drinking) and also screening all my calls. Don't give him an opportunity anymore to abuse and accuse you.

I really feel for you, it truly is heartbreaking ... I keep telling myself that he's not doing this on purpose, he is ill. Keep telling yourself that, HIS reality is that you're cheating on him etc, and no matter how much you deny it and how much evidence you give him, he's not going to believe you, until and unless he gets help.

Try and be kind to yourself and keep venting as you need. (((hugs))))
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Postby leavingthedarkness » Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:13 am

Peb, you need to think about YOU.

I am very concerned about your safety. He sounds very dangerous. Do you think he is capable of pysical harm to you?

Please, put yourself before him. You cannot fix his problems, but you can fix your own. Take care of yourself first.
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Postby Bri » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:20 am

peb671 wrote:ok...not really expecting any responses..just needing to scream and kick something and cant...so im gonna vent on here.


Been there...done that...many times. Rant away...we're here!

peb671 wrote:i know hes sick, but how can he say the things he does and not even care that hes tearing me apart?


He cares...or he wouldn't bother at all. What he's doing is PUNISHING YOU for what HE BELIEVES you've done to him. HE'S hurt, HE'S betrayed, HE'S the victim here. When mine is ranting away, I refuse to indulge his delusions, BUT...I often reassure him by saying, "Of course, I would never do anything to hurt you." "Please don't be upset, I hate to see you upset. I WORRY about you!" I might say things like that, but will not INDULGE or ACKNOWLEDGE the accusation itself. It's very hard to RE-TRAIN yourself, as it is only natural to want to argue or counterpoint when you are being attacked. That's how NORMAL people resolve issues. Going back and forth until it's resolved. With DDJ ... IT IS POINTLESS and only makes it worse. They do not see it as TWO people engaged in an adult discussion, so they can come to an agreement. They see it as YOU are manipulating them, covering your ass, and/or siding with "them." YOU are a THREAT, not an endeared lover in those moments of delusional episodes. THAT is not the time to debate, but to calm the waters, or simply walk out or shut down. The only chance IN HELL you have at a real conversation is when they are in clarity. Even then, you tread carefully, as anything you say could set off the next "episode." I'm telling you true girl! If you stay in this, get ready...cuz you are going to be wiped out. Get all the support you can. You're going to need it.

Keep writing.....
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Postby peb671 » Thu Mar 12, 2009 11:01 pm

ok...gonna just rant some more..frustrated big time. last night he kept sending me messages until about 2am because he was angry..they were brutal. today he sends me this email:

You know what ***? Every time I consider the thought of you and me, something always pops up to make me change my f***ing mind again. You f**king lie to me every chance you get. I was creating a new yahoo, and you have to check a box to make your profile visible. I asked you and you said you didn't know it was visible. I could understand if you had to uncheck a box to hide it. But you want to make sure you're found by the c*cks that search for you. You had to check the box. So I am going to accept my decision. I'm sorry you don't know how to not lie. I don't know if people are forced into that kind of mind frame due to overpowered spouses or what, but you have learned it from somewhere. Sorry to waste my time again. Goodbye *****, and I told you your phone will be sent. And I promise you again, it will be the same way it was when I got it from you. Take care lady.



He is really convinced i lied to him, even though i showed him that when you create a profile it automatically makes it public unless you uncheck it...he also swears that i had someone here last night even though he had the webcam on..on me and i was sitting in front of it talking to him until 2am. He told me that im a habitual liar and i cant admit it. but i havent lied about anything..i tell him the truth even when he doesnt want to hear it. i have never cheated or even considered it. he did delete his account after he signed off. i am losing him and dont have a clue what to do.
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