therapeutic writing

You sent it back on February 8th, correct? If they haven't sued yet, I highly doubt they will. In terms of therapeutic writing, I find writing fiction helps me. I have a special connection to my characters, and I invest a lot of my thoughts into what's happening to them, and what if's

I'm glad you're feeling better. Sending hugs!

I'm still healing... I cry regularly, but now it is less because of the pain of rejection, and more because of the memories of my intense attraction haunt me, and remind me that I'm not ready to move on. At times I wonder what made him so special. Then with tears, I can answer that.

My therapist thinks I'm putting my stuff outside myself. I don't think she's ever felt such a visceral response to another person as I did with the Physician. Then in my primordial state of pure emotion and desire, I lost touch with reality. The whole story makes me sad. That is why I cry. Sometimes I think if I could just have held it together a little longer, would things be different? Then I recognize my wishful thinking for what it is.

I've heard the saying "if you can feel it you can heal it". I hope this may be true. I certainly feel this.

I wonder if I'll struggle with the memories of my attraction for the rest of my life. I mean, it's been 12.5 years already and I still feel it. I've tried and tried to get over it. What happens is that I feel like I'm out of my alignment of body, mind, and spirit. It just feels wrong to be with anyone intimately. Not that it isn't pleasurable. I just think I need to stop for a while and give myself space and time. I'm at a loss for what to do, because doing doesn't seem to help. Sometimes praying helps. But then I feel like such a sinner for how my mind broke, loving the memory of the physician. I don't think my illness was my fault. I know I was sick, and the medicine helped. In many ways this is a spiritual, physical, and emotional illness, and the only way I feel in line is loving the Physician, or asking a higher power to take away all my faults (that feeling of okness only lasts the length of the prayer).

I spent much of today spilling tears on my pillow, on my table, splashing my glasses with tear stains. I get sad. Really sad sometimes. How could Dr. Richard do that to me? That he touched me like that without taking responsibility, without even talking about it, or admitting he’d done anything at all to me, not acknowledging that it happened, pains me.

Someday when he wants to apologize, he’ll discover how hard I’ve lived my life desperately trying to get over him and his touch. Failing at jobs, trying to make it as a single mom, without a man. He ruined me – utterly. My heart aches for him even still. By the time he says anything to me, won’t my scars be hard like faint thick lines across my soul, hardened by time?

In my moments of weakness, I want his love. I wanted to feel the warmth of his embrace even just once. To feel him with me. Knowing that we will never know anything but pain from each other, well, that saddens me.

He put me on the loneliest path possible, the pain he caused me is unforgivable. The pain of isolation, and lack of communication. I needed him after he touched me during that exam. Nothing makes me feel more desperate than that feeling of his absence. In my darkest moments of isolation, my only hope was the thought that he loved me, but they say I was deluding myself. They tell me he never loved me. Then I cry. Tonight, the tears are burning hot. How could I have been so confused by his handling me?

My feelings should have dissolved years ago. My soul is still sick for him. Like a chronic infection, knowing how it feels to be touched by him, yet being unable to feel it ever again. Knowing he hasn’t been there for me has helped me to loosen the attachment to my desire, and some of the time I rise above my baser self. Then days like this happen. Days where I can’t stop the tears. Don’t want to even try to stop them, that just makes me sob to suppress it. It hurts more to push it away than to let it be felt.

Hi Sunny, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Feel free to pm me any time.

Thanks, Undone.
I hit a low day there. Doing better. The long slow journey of recovery... I will say that I don't think I could ever honestly love the Physician after what I went through in response to his touch. In my delusional state I desperately *wanted* to believe in his humanity. I'm *finally* understanding the depth of the pain and suffering my family and I have experienced due to him. I mean I would have gotten sick regardless, but not the way I did. It wouldn't have been like it was if he hadn't used that "back and forth" technique during the exam at the birth.

I guess in some ways I experienced what people do sometimes when they are taken prisoner or held hostage. Some sort of "Stockholm Syndrome" where people captured develop an alliance with their captor, wanting to believe in their humanity. It is sick, I was sick.

I've been getting to the point where I understood, but the solar eclipse coincided with this profound revelation for me personally. The pain and suffering I've been through, and my daughter experienced due to my inability to be present as I was struggling to accept and understand what happened to me when he touched me. With my then husband by my side, nobody held the physician accountable. I will never forget. What the physician did was wrong, and my husband not being there for me was wrong. Deep down they both should be ashamed.

I remember the physician brought his camera to my hospital room the day after the birth to and had my exhusband take a photo of him holding my daughter all swaddled in a blanket. On the physician's face I saw the truth. I wrote about it in my diary, and later shred the pages before I devolved into psychosis. I wanted so badly to believe in his humanity, I was afraid to keep the truth, and went with wishful thinking instead. That album of his, his "brag" book of the babies he delivered showed his predatory behavior where he victimized me, and that photo says it all. If his wife ever looks at it, I think she'll know I was telling the truth. She is bonded to a predator.

My ex-husband recently sent me an email. He said something to the effect that the Physician's wife was angry about my book, she's a big deal physician, too. My guess is because when she read it, deep down she knew that my personal truth delusional or not, was a brutally honest account of my experience where her husband was not as she knows him to be. It would make her need to find that photo album and consider his trophy collection and the expression on his face in those photos. Based on the warning I received from the nurses at the health center, I probably am not the only woman who fell in love with him in response to his caring.

Anyway, I appreciate your support. It means a lot to me, and yes, we should connect sometime:) I'm moving on, enjoying the time I have with my daughter now that I've gotten those men out of my head. I can finally be connected and present with my daughter. I see myself finally being the mother I envisioned being when I first set out with her dad to become parents. She's a great kid. I'm proud of how she's growing into a strong, intelligent, and loving person.

Sunny

How goes it lately, Sunny? You haven't posted recently so I'm hoping that's a good thing?

Hi Undone,

Thanks for the note…

In mid-September I came to a new place with my emotional response to the physician’s sexual abuse during the labor. I realized that I don’t feel right when I feel unforgiving. I forgave him... It's a long story, maybe I'll write about it someday...

But, today, I’ve been reflecting a lot on current events and the social climate. Louis K. C. apologized to women for his sexual misconduct. I’ve thought for years that an apology from the Physician would help, but after reading about Louis KC, I realize I wanted love. I didn’t want to be touched without it. This is such a trap. Even if the physician apologized, it wouldn’t be enough to help heal my soul.

I hope to God one of these days that I find someone loveable enough, who loves me too.

Sunny

How is it that my delusional love won't go away?

I’m still stuck in the trap of unrequited love for the physician who sexually abused me at the most vulnerable moment of my life - the birth of my daughter. At this point I know my boundaries in this trap. I pray to God to release my desire for the man, but honestly God’s love is the only thing that compairs to the feeling of the thoughts of Dr. Richard, and I struggle to believe God love’s that way... that physician and God are going to have some reconciling to do someday for what happened at my daughter’s birth almost 13 years ago.

At this point I recognize the past is between God and Dr. Richard. For me, the present is about doing the best I can at motherhood, learning to heal, practicing self care, and building relationships that sustain me through this time.

As for the future, I don’t know. I don’t really want to lose part of me escaping the trap. I feel like I was trapped, but I’m not the kind of creature to chew off my limp to be free. So, here I am stuck. Waiting for God to let me free someday.

I’ve recently read that my character is flat... I never really grew from my experience. It was interesting feedback. The person should have been a life coach. Anyway, my goal to be a good mom is steady, and I think my relationship with my daughter is getting better. I guess I’ve learned to manage to live with these feelings.

I mean I’ve tried to escape my unrequited love. I date. But every experience has ended without breaking the spell. I don’t know what kinda magic occurred for me, but this is deep and old, and only the eclipse could take it away and that only lasted till the solstice.

I've started a new writing project. This time, I'm telling the story from a different perspective. I'm playing with Heaven.