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Avoiding the "forbidden" confrontation

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Postby Tori » Thu Nov 18, 2004 7:30 pm

Decompensating is a psych term for deteriorating. The person's symptoms and behavior have become worse all of a sudden.

The "professionals" use it when a patient is in the middle of severe psychosis. Many times life chaning events cause stressors which cause the mentally ill person to exhibit worse symptoms than they had been exhibiting. Somtimes it lasts for a short period of time and sometimes it trigers a full blown psychotic episode where they lose all touch with any reality that they have been haging on to.

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Postby bsc » Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:53 pm

Today is Wednesday, a grandfather for a week. What joy thanks to my daughter, what misery thanks to my wife.

Last Sunday I got to see her and hold her for a few hours. But several hours before we went I had to hear how this was not really our granddaughter. She was just a hoax perpetrated by the inlaw clan who my wife can't stand. Especially our son-in-law.

She said she was only going so I could see the baby, since she had seen her in the hospital. She wasn't sure if she could fake it very long without saying something everybody would be sorry for. On the other hand, she didn;t think it fair to take it out on an innocent sweet baby regardless of who it really belonged to. Wasn't that big of her.

The visit went very well, until my daughter's neighbor from across the street knocked on the door to tell us he had hit my wifes car. I thought my wife was going to lose it, but she remained calm while I went out to survey the damage and exchange info. It wasn't that bad from my viewpoint. Later estimates wanted $2000 to fix.

When we went home she jumped on me about the accident also being written into the script to distract her from the baby. How did we get all of these characters into this "play" just to drive her crazy? It's a good question. The rest of the day went down hill to the point where I was ready to run away again. She then changed her tune and got lovey-dovey.

Next morning usual argument about whether she could come with me to the big city. I talked her out of it reminding her to take care of accident/insurance issue, and being a holiday week, would be back Wed night.

Our phone conversations over past 2 days have been nothing but shouting matches and hangups. I really don't feel like driving 5 hours home to spend 4 days fighting with her about the baby, our daughter, her parents, all in on "it".

Nobody wants to come over for TG because of her. She feels hurt but blames everyone elses weirdness. I am promoting breaking our tradition, by going out to eat. She is not sure and is going crazy trying to make up her mind (whats left of it).

I hope the rest of you will have a better one then I'm expecting....
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Postby bsc » Tue Jan 04, 2005 12:28 am

Happy New Years to all.

Haven't posted much past few weeks. Not much progress. Just had 2 and a half weeks home with my DD spouse. Worst 2 weeks of my life. I was ready to run at any time. Not easy since she figured out why I keep my clothes in the car. Noqw when I come home on weekends, she personally takes them in to our bedroom so she can keep an eye on them, far from the front door. She has also disconnected the garage door opener so I can't sneak out that way. I can't even run out to the store without her finding an excuse for tagging along.

I am in jail. Wow, a great way to live. She says since I have run away before, she doesn't trust me. She is right this time. Almost every hour of every day and night, that is what was on my mind. I was ready to walk even without my clothes. For a few hundred bucks I could replace them. But I didn't go during one of the worst continuous runs of her behavior ever.

She came very close to physical assault again but didn't connect. But threatens with knives into doors and cupboards. She actually stomped (with high chunky heeled shoes) on 3 telephones and broke them.

We were at each others throats for 17 days so she thought we need a break from each other. That is why she let me go off to the big city to work without her - Thank God.

Her demands for the "truth" are getting more insistant. She has been threatening suicide more often, but then turns it around into a lawsuit to get even with the "people" who did this to her.

In trying to use the suicide threat to get her in to a psyche ward, do I call 911 just on her verbal threat alone? She would obviously say she was joking. Would the EMTs then turn around and go back without her? How would that work?

NY resolution - ASAP - get her help or get me help by getting out. Three to five years of this is going to kill me. I have been getting heartburn when I am with her, resulting in hiccups. She insists I am doing it on purpose to annoy her, or get sympathy from "them".
Now I have been out of her company for 8 hours. No heartburn or hiccups.

Just had a telephone fight. She called to say the toilet is broken and I better drive 5 hours home to fix it. tried to talk her through the fix. She did try, didn't work. Screamed at me and "them" for arranging this break when I wasn't home to fix it. After about 1 minute of screaming I hung up. She didn't call back. Amazing!
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Postby Ronnie » Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:32 am

Bsc,

Just read over your particular case with your wife, and I think it was Tori who said you must get help for your wife, because she could be a danger to your grandchild.

I do not trust my children to stay with my mother anymore. I had noticed that when my children contradicted my mother on something she said which was completely "out of it", she turned on them verbally in a very angry way. I would notice a change in her eyes and felt she could quite easily physically harm them because she would think they were in on "it". So, yes, I would not leave your wife alone with your grand-daughter.

So, why ARE you staying? Haven't YOU suffered enough? Isn't it about time you had peace in your life, not to mention "normality"? Obviously you still feel a commitment to supporting your wife, but at what price? Your wife sounds as though she needs serious help at this point, something which you definitely cannot handle alone.

Having said that, and I know how easy it is for someone else to say it, YOU alone have to be ready to take that step. I wish you well in getting to that point.
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Postby bsc » Wed Jan 05, 2005 2:29 am

It looks like we will have 2 separate conversations. One in this thread, and 1 in the thread you started.

The grandchild issue is a non-issue since my daughter will only come over with her if we call. We did see her a few weeks ago before xmas when my inlaws were visiting to see their great-granddaughter. The baby was safe with plenty of people around her. They did get concerned when my wife dissappeared into the family room with her to show her the xmas tree. A gentle gesture to show your granddaughter your tree. She is very gentle with her and has held many babies. But, as soon as everyone left, my wife raised hell about why everyone is using this beautiful baby to play a joke on her. Still insists our daughter was never pregnant, and the baby is a hoax, but a wonderful sweet baby nevertheless. She kind of wishes she could have a real granddaughter just like her. When I tell her she is ours, your wish has been fullfilled, she screams at me for lying. Our daughter was going to come over the day after xmas with the baby. Left a merry xmas message on the answering machine and asked us to call to tell her what time to come over. My wife said she wasn't really interested in perpetuating this hoax and said she didn't really want her over. Then bitched for the next 3 days about how the family is falling apart, and no one wants to come over to visit for the holidays.

Why am I staying is not very well answered in my 100 plus posts. In more recent days my wife has talked about divorce. She is very perceptive when she says, I can't stand what I have become. How can you stand me? Give me one good reason why you want to stay married to me. That is what "you all" want is to break us up all along. That was the plan wasn't it? I, of course, stand there silently trying to "prove" that there was no plan and that is another delusion.

She has an idealized, overly romantisized view of our relationship. Because I am 17 years older, I think she thought of me as a white knight riding in to save her from her first failed marriage to a guy, who I now realise is a lot smarter than me. He got away from her. She was 22 when we met. I guess another aspect of our relationship, although she hates it when I say it, is she is like a daughter to me. Along with her other 2 daughters whom I adopted, they were a ready made family for me.

At my age, I am hesitant to abandon what I have built, to start over. But maybe I built nothing but a house of cards.

Some years ago I saw a comedian in an anti-wife sketch say, its better to be lonely than miserable. I remember laughing very hard at that line. I guess I really didn't know its meaning until now. It's decision time....
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Postby faithful » Wed Jan 05, 2005 3:21 am

You know my feelings on this. But just to let you know, in the 9 months since I left, I haven't felt lonely at all. Just relieved. My kids really rallied, they knew, and they have been there for me in ways that make me very proud to be their parent. Even my in-laws have been supportive. I don't call it being alone, or being lonely, I just really enjoy my solitude, my every minute deciding what I want to do, without taking crazy into account. I'm still in the midst of the mess, haven't gotten the divorce final, still get calls from my husband at work over one dumb thing or the other (latest is he wants copies of our wedding pictures, to which I want to reply, "F*(#*&-off", but instead I say, "what? I can't hear you. Darn cell phones...").
Imagine, time to read, time to watch a TV show uninterrupted, a quiet house. Rent a copy of Shirley Valentine. And the grandkid - geez, I have this beautiful grandson - he'll be 3 this week. The day he was born my husband couldn't even hug me he was so distraught at my whorish behavior. But now I see the little guy weekly - my husband hasn't seen him in 5 months and doesn't even care. You have your daughters, a granddaughter, a job, a full life. It will be better ("can't get much worse...."). And if you ever make it to North California, I'll take you to the wineries & the redwoods and we can have a good laugh at how there was a time when we both thought we'd never laugh again.
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Postby bsc » Wed Jan 05, 2005 3:44 am

Thank you Faithful.

Your last few lines brought me tears. Good ones, for feeding my fantasy of what it might be like to be free and alive again.
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Postby bsc » Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:53 pm

Ronnie - thank you for an encouraging example. Good for your father for having the guts to make a change later in his life. But it seemed that he suffered for some time until he actually did it. I guess I am in that stage. I know I will do the right thing soon.
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Postby bsc » Thu Jan 13, 2005 3:18 am

Well, it was a long weekend, not intentionally. Our town was hit by a midwest ice strorm. It shut the power down last Wed night. Of course, my wife called to ask how to set up and start the generator we bought for Y2K, at her insistance. I will give you one minute to tell me, she said, because my cell phone is al I have and can't charge it with no power. Remember she broke the other phones with her shoe heels.

We practiced once in 1999. Who could remember? Of course she hung up screaming at me how I never help her. I still had work to do and a foot of snow in the big city I work in. I figured she is resourceful. Thurs night I called the township police where I live to find out the power outage will last for many days. I drove home Friday earlier than usual. Found her in our bedroom with a kerosene heater laying on the bed with the cats - pretty cozy.

We went out to get gasoline for the generator. Got it running, and lived on it for 4 days. She was remarkably well behaved. I was sure the stress of the situation, trees and branches down, back door broken, etc would set her off. No - she was good.

Yesterday while I was getting ready to come back to work she went back into her usual routine.

I got away this morning. Talked her out of cominng with me. I did think last week that it would be the week to say, I am not coming back home until you get treatment. Postponed again....
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