i'm miserable -- how are you?

I'm a 42 year old male. I have had a turbulent life. Ever since I was a child I have had emotional and social problems. i.e. 1) attempting suicide when I was none 2) drinking when I was twelve 3) Vandalism from eight to fifteen. I have never fit in anywhere except for a time when I hung out with substance abuse users. I have had very few friends over the last 25 years and the 2 I have had were very negative influences, and that really just took advantage of me. I have had girlfriends for short periods of time but they were just party girls. I was married once to a woman that took advantage of me for a Visa to the country. I have no children. I have no one I can talk to and have essentially been completely alone the last 3 years. No social interaction outside of 1 time when my landlord took me out for a beer. I talk to my parents a couple times a year when I call them. No other family in my life.

I got my BA degree in psychology in 1994, in hindsight, for primary self-help reasons. I thought at the time I wanted to help others but the truth was I didn't want myself nor anyone else feeling like I did or dealing with the thing I had dealt with. I had plans for graduate school but worked in the helping profession's for about three years before going back to school to get a computer science degree - with the help of the division of vocational rehabilitation. I loved working with autistic children and head-trauma patients but I couldn't get alone with other co-workers. I felt shunned, isolated, and ganged up on. My best intentions and efforts only seemed to make the other workers hate me more.

Seen 1999 when I got my computer degree I have worked six contract jobs and one permanent position in the field from 1999-2004. I completed the contracts but was never invited to join the company. The 1 permanent position I left after 1 year after feeling the same things described in paragraph above. Since 2004 I have held 7 jobs. One contract I completed after a year at microsoft. Another permanent position was with a mental health center as an adult case manager and they let me go after 2 months. 2 others I quit after a month or so. My last position was another contract at microsoft and they let me go after 2 weeks saying i pretty much didn't fit in with the FTE's there. I have worked maybe 4 months out of last 1 1/2 years. The only thing that has kept me from being homeless is relying on my credit during this time.


I feel so terrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm scared to leave my apartment. Sometimes I won't leave for weeks. I go to bed praying I won't wake up. I feel like I am at the end of my rope like I have never felt before. I feel cursed in this life. I don't know to find the will to go on in life? I don't no where to turn for help?

Hi, TwoSocks! You've been through a lot. It's not your fault that these people think you don't fit in with every one else. You just might be a bit different, but maybe some of them didn't want to hire you for some other reason and they decided to blame it on you.
Could you find a therapist? It's ok if you can't, many of us here couldn't either and you have this place now.
Could you look for some other kind of job? Don't give up, people can't be dicks everywhere. Maybe looking for something new will help get you out of your depression. You don't have to push yourself, though.
Try to get out of your appartment every day, for 15 minutes at least and go for a walk. It will make you less afraid of the outside world. You always have this forum to come back to.

hi there how are you today, concidering how you have coped in your childhood i think you have done very well for yourself you have got a remarkable amount of qualifs,
however i can relate to some of your story no matter where sometimes i dont feel i fit in.
and what ever pain we hold inside it never goes away, ???

tasha
ps its not about them remember you really are ok

A good therapist should be able to help you through this. You're cycling inward into deeper depression and more isolation, and you've got to break that cycle.

Get yourself active. Get proactive about the problem, don't give up. You can turn it around if you make some changes.

First change has to be to ask for help. Don't just stay isolated. Reach out and get some help. You don't have to live like this.