Sitting here in my room after work, found out people were talking about me behind my back, typical, I always try to fit in, get burned and turn into "the quiet one", it's always like that. My arm is filled with scissor-cuts, listening to Arch Enemy playlists, on the verge of crying...
I feel so empty inside, the only reason I don't kill myself is because there are some people I know will be devastated by it - my relatives (I don't use the term "family" because I've never really had one) and close friends, yet there are times I think even they don't care, that I'm a burden, that they're only there as a pretend support system...what the hell is wrong with me?
I still miss my ex...3 and a half months since she dumped me, not her fault - that's how all BPD r/s end, but unlike the "normal" person who suffers this b/u - my self confidence was already very low before I met her...oh how far I've fallen... the first breakup is always the hardest they say; add BPD, cyclothymia and fear of abandonment to the equation...yeah...
I get these manic "pulses" daily, but the depression always kicks back in...It's become a daily thing, while before the b/u I used to have days of mental stability, to be "normal" even... can't afford therapy, started praying after years of atheism... I don't know what to do anymore...
Just needed to get it off my heart...I don't want to talk to anyone I know IRL now...