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Oh how far I've fallen

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Oh how far I've fallen

Postby BassOutcast » Thu Jul 02, 2015 3:07 pm

Sitting here in my room after work, found out people were talking about me behind my back, typical, I always try to fit in, get burned and turn into "the quiet one", it's always like that. My arm is filled with scissor-cuts, listening to Arch Enemy playlists, on the verge of crying...

I feel so empty inside, the only reason I don't kill myself is because there are some people I know will be devastated by it - my relatives (I don't use the term "family" because I've never really had one) and close friends, yet there are times I think even they don't care, that I'm a burden, that they're only there as a pretend support system...what the hell is wrong with me?

I still miss my ex...3 and a half months since she dumped me, not her fault - that's how all BPD r/s end, but unlike the "normal" person who suffers this b/u - my self confidence was already very low before I met her...oh how far I've fallen... the first breakup is always the hardest they say; add BPD, cyclothymia and fear of abandonment to the equation...yeah...

I get these manic "pulses" daily, but the depression always kicks back in...It's become a daily thing, while before the b/u I used to have days of mental stability, to be "normal" even... can't afford therapy, started praying after years of atheism... I don't know what to do anymore...


Just needed to get it off my heart...I don't want to talk to anyone I know IRL now...
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Re: Oh how far I've fallen

Postby Oliveira » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:46 am

Big hugs. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there too -- more often than I'd like to admit even to myself.

Are you receiving any medical care?
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Re: Oh how far I've fallen

Postby BassOutcast » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:59 pm

Oliveira wrote:Big hugs. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there too -- more often than I'd like to admit even to myself.

Are you receiving any medical care?

Thanks for the support.

Sadly - no, I can not afford it, it's rather pricey where I live and I'm saving up for a degree...
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Re: Oh how far I've fallen

Postby SpeckledUnicorn » Fri Jul 03, 2015 9:08 pm

about where do you live? I live in the southern united states and I could at least get free services for medicine- there are places that offer it. It wasn't therapy but they did give me medicine and checked on me when I went in to get it.

I'm assuming you don't live in the US then?
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Re: Oh how far I've fallen

Postby BassOutcast » Sat Jul 04, 2015 11:47 am

JPKAS wrote:about where do you live? I live in the southern united states and I could at least get free services for medicine- there are places that offer it. It wasn't therapy but they did give me medicine and checked on me when I went in to get it.

I'm assuming you don't live in the US then?

I live in Israel, medical care here is considered top-notch but it's pricey as heck and I can't afford 100$ per meeting with a shrink... especially when my salary's around 1200$ at best
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