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How do you feel today? *may trigger

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby pencilsNcigarettes » Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:59 pm

Thanks Frost. I hope things are running smoothly with you. Just like you said yourself, they can't expect that we are all perfect and happy just because it's christmas. I think a lot of this pressure may come from ourselves. How'd the family visit go? I'm off to my last on in a few hours.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Frostbite » Mon Dec 26, 2016 9:37 pm

My day was okey, It wasnt terrible thats all. Around 6pm my head was almost exploding with thoughts and tension. I almost had an anxiety attack while I still was at my dads. They didn't notice, only the dog did.
Got home a few hours ago and did some sh. Not a lot, Just upper arm. Now off to bed, work tommorow.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby pencilsNcigarettes » Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:35 am

That sucks. I felt like that a lot during my relapse into sh about a year ago. I also felt like it was beneficial to me because I could 'schedule in' my pain and then feel ok for a while. idk if that's one of your reasons but there are better ways to deal with your feelings. Easier said than done, though.
So Frost, what exactly makes you want to self-harm?

On another note I just got news that I'll be starting my new job later in January.
I've also been feeling up and down lately, but I can't afford to make any new cuts as I'm going on vacation with my family tomorrow, and my wounds have finally healed enough that they won't start bleeding when I go swimming. I'm also fortunate that none of my scars are visible when I'm in my bathing suit, and anywhere else I cut was long enough ago that you couldn't tell unless you were looking for it. My family doesn't know I sh and I want to keep it that way. But, knowing that it's not an option also makes me anxious and I want to do it more... I'm bringing along plenty or rubber bands and a vaporizer but no knives.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Frostbite » Tue Dec 27, 2016 8:18 am

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:That sucks. I felt like that a lot during my relapse into sh about a year ago. I also felt like it was beneficial to me because I could 'schedule in' my pain and then feel ok for a while. idk if that's one of your reasons but there are better ways to deal with your feelings. Easier said than done, though.
So Frost, what exactly makes you want to self-harm?

I feel the same way, I schedule my sh so that I feel it the most. For example 3hours before work or before I go to bed. My sh is complicated, it comes forth from not being able to show emotions. I feel no real joy, no real sadness. I only feel sadness when it breaks me, and that will end in suicide, as has happen before. That and not being able to cope with people, sounds and impressions at times makes it a time bomb. I never know when it hits.
Also I need the feeling of being in control. My past has made me a control freak and a forced leader, I cannot let another person take control so I will work twice as hard to complete it and even do it better, It's exhausting.

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:On another note I just got news that I'll be starting my new job later in January.
I've also been feeling up and down lately, but I can't afford to make any new cuts as I'm going on vacation with my family tomorrow, and my wounds have finally healed enough that they won't start bleeding when I go swimming. I'm also fortunate that none of my scars are visible when I'm in my bathing suit, and anywhere else I cut was long enough ago that you couldn't tell unless you were looking for it. My family doesn't know I sh and I want to keep it that way. But, knowing that it's not an option also makes me anxious and I want to do it more... I'm bringing along plenty or rubber bands and a vaporizer but no knives.


I'm happy for you!
You deserve it! Lucky you, I hope you have a good time, enjoy it.
No knifes, thats a very good start.
I'm away for 5days to stay at a friends place, I'm not able yet to leave the knifes at home. She knows so it's not a big deal. I hate it a lot when my scars/wounds show. Only 1 friend knows about it yet, I can't handle telling others. My dad almost found out yesterday, gladly he wasn't paying attention or he just didn't tell.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby pencilsNcigarettes » Fri Dec 30, 2016 6:25 am

Frostbite wrote:I feel no real joy, no real sadness. I only feel sadness when it breaks me, and that will end in suicide, as has happen before.

Have you always felt that way? The emotional numbness? In my experience the brain only blocks out emotions after a great deal of emotional suffering. And with your other reasons, I can definitely understand how sh seems like a viable coping mechanism. I wish more people could understand the reasoning behind it. In the past year I've become more open about it with certain friends, but it can be awkward when they've never dealt with the urge to themselves.

Frostbite wrote:Only 1 friend knows about it yet, I can't handle telling others. My dad almost found out yesterday, gladly he wasn't paying attention or he just didn't tell.

I'm glad you have a friend you can trust to tell about it! As for your dad I'm guessing he didn't notice. 95% of parents would have to at least say something if they suspected their child of self-harming.

As for me I feel like I may be almost over this wave of depression already. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself before too long, I'd say this time it lasted less than a couple months, and I made it without sh for most of it. And thanks for listening to me, that helped me feel a lot better too!
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Frostbite » Fri Dec 30, 2016 2:10 pm

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:Have you always felt that way? The emotional numbness? In my experience the brain only blocks out emotions after a great deal of emotional suffering.

And in that last sentence you have the cause of it. My mind is being poisoned since I was born. I'm 22 now and in my opinion my mother should never have had kids.

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:As for your dad I'm guessing he didn't notice. 95% of parents would have to at least say something if they suspected their child of self-harming.

I'm not so sure on this one but I choose to believe it. My dad knows that there is something going on and that I see a couseler. He doesn't know what and I asked him not to ask till I was ready to tell.

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:As for me I feel like I may be almost over this wave of depression already. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself before too long, I'd say this time it lasted less than a couple months, and I made it without sh for most of it. And thanks for listening to me, that helped me feel a lot better too!

I'm proud of you!
No problem Pencil, Glad that I could help. Your response is a great help to me too.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Fri Dec 30, 2016 4:42 pm

Frostbite wrote:Only 1 friend knows about it yet, I can't handle telling others. My dad almost found out yesterday, gladly he wasn't paying attention or he just didn't tell.


Yeah that's what put the big brakes on mine, people noticing my burns and asking about them (in my mind, being 'nosy'). I don't think I realised how noticeable things really were, until then. Now I have to be very sparing with my SH. For me, covering up is not an an option- I'm too hot natured and summers where I am get brutal.
Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP. And a bunch of weirdness.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby felsenbeisser » Mon Jan 02, 2017 6:08 am

I feel terrible. I have been having issues with my girlfriend and our roommates today. I feel useless and hypocritical and in the way. Cutting was probably the best part of the day.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Mon Jan 02, 2017 6:32 am

felsenbeisser wrote:I feel terrible. I have been having issues with my girlfriend and our roommates today. I feel useless and hypocritical and in the way. Cutting was probably the best part of the day.



We all feel useless sometimes. Try and stay safe.
Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP. And a bunch of weirdness.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Frostbite » Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 am

Snaga wrote:Yeah that's what put the big brakes on mine, people noticing my burns and asking about them (in my mind, being 'nosy'). I don't think I realised how noticeable things really were, until then. Now I have to be very sparing with my SH. For me, covering up is not an an option- I'm too hot natured and summers where I am get brutal.


Yeah I start to get worried about this to.
I have 1.5month before winter ends and then I will have to face it. Don't know how yet.

Hugs to everyone who needs it!

-- Mon Jan 02, 2017 8:23 am --

felsenbeisser wrote:I feel terrible. I have been having issues with my girlfriend and our roommates today. I feel useless and hypocritical and in the way. Cutting was probably the best part of the day.



Try to stay safe!
It's horrible sometimes, we understand.
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