by Camelidae » Thu May 28, 2015 11:07 pm
I have INTENSE anxiety. For two to three days now it's been really bad, especially in the mornings. I wake up completely panicked and terrified. I Think it's because I think something bad happened while I was asleep that I could have prevented had I not slept but that cannot be changed anymore once I wake up. This is especially true for a friend committing suicide, having an accident or changing his mind on loving me and leaving me, but also includes even more (he keeps spamming me) guilt-tripping, accusatory messages by my father etc. Today I was almost constantly on high alert. I keept having cramps in my upper stomach, heart palpitations and a feeling of being out of breath, being weak in the limbs and feeling shaky/ literally shaking. Social anxiety was as bad as it hasn't been in a long, long time, too. I felt dizzy and spacey and threatened, even by my therapist. I've been having thoughts to cut myself on and off, but haven't, and had a few suicide-related images/ urges enter my mind (that I haven't acted upon). It's just a sign I'm having trouble regulating what's going on. But damn, I feel so worn out and drained. Sometimes I wonder if my body will be able to live a long life or if I will age more rapidly than others or become ill because of all the stress that is flooding me so constantly. I feel so drained and exhausted physically.
"If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you do. Just pointing out something that could save your life. You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.", from X-Men: First Class