I feel like I am spiralling out of control and can't stop

I have 20 years of history that I have put into neat files, tucked them away into annappropriate cabinaet, and left them there to collect dust. In the last two months, dealing with an undiagnosed illness that shows nothing on any disgnostics,scans, etc has left me feeling despondent and crazy.

I have been put on Lorazepam and Klonopin on seperate occauions, and neither has helped with my mania or crashes. I have hurt nyself in over 10 years. After my uncle took his life, I made the decision ghat I would NEVER use a permanant solution for a temporary problem. But I am beginnignto lose faith. In the ER last night for this GI problem, since they saw nothing on scans, they explicitly refused to alleviate my pain, depspite my writhing and crying. I am a sotic person, and havinng PCOD, I can fuction at a pretty good pain level.

Last night was awful. I am afraid to be at home because all i do I cry. I have caled doctors and made appointments, trying to not lose hope, but the earliest appointment and test is set for June 30, and the follow up for the results won't be until 10 days later. Nathan, my boyfriend of 15 years, has beeeb with me through the good, bad, and nuclear. And all we have done this last week and a half is fight. I'm losing him, afraid to lose him. He said my hurting myself is a deal breaker for him. I don't want to die. If I did *mod edit*, so that would be simple enough. But as ai said, suicide is not an option fir me. I jave my son to keep livingnfor. I wiuld rather me alive and a disappointment to him than have him never kniw me. But i don't know how to not lose Nathan.

My insurane is *mod edit*, and they don't cover behavioral stuff. I don't know what else to do not. I feel like I am going crazy with all the negative test resilts, and that no one is truly treating my pains, physical, mental, or emotional. I'm just so tired. If cutting off my left leg would give me an answer, I'd do it in a heart beat. I just want someone to listen to me, and have someone give me reasoirces for help. I live near the Phoenix Metro aea. Please help. I am losing myself to myself, and right now, I don't want, or now how to stop it. I apologize for any typoes. I am submitting this from my Iphone while I sit at my sister-in-laws waiting for anyone to come home so i am not alone.

It's been a while since this post, how are you doing?