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Why the stigma?

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Why the stigma?

Postby exjuny » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:40 pm

Ok so I'm not sure whats normal (lol, normal) but I'm a 41 year old male and I've been self-mutilating for as long as I can remember. I realize there's a stigma attached and it defies social norms but can someone explain to me why. Why if it helps me and doesn't hurt anyone else why is there such pushback to stop or prevent it. I cut or burn for several different reasons but I can tall you that afterwards I always feel better than I did before hand....so why the anti?
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Re: Why the stigma?

Postby Alucard » Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:03 am

hi.

Love this. I love this because it questions why people's experiences are invalidated just because others think it's odd, wrong, unnecessary, e.t.c. And that's a very powerful question for all of us.

Here's my take.

People look at those of us who have different experiences in life through their own eyes. It can be hard to step outside of one's own beliefs, or own experiences, and walk in someone else's experience. It's hard to respect someone else's lens.

People who don't have experience with self harm are also reluctant to listen and understand WHY the self-harmer is having trouble. I've had people tell me I'm being stupid for doing it, and refuse to talk to me, without ever asking me . . . hey, what's going on?. . . No supportive approach, just defensiveness because THEY'RE uncomfortable with what they see. And that's the key. There's a level of discomfort surrounding things people don't understand.

It's evident in the mental health community itself, as well, even on this forum. We're all aware we're not allowed to talk about something like suicidality FREELY without the post getting reported. That's for common sense reasons, that it may "trigger" someone else. However, that's not being open towards uncomfortable situations. And that's the only real way to handle discomfort, is to understand that there are a million feelings behind "I want to kill myself" that have nothing to do with actually ending a life. Discomfort and tough feelings, big feelings, are part of every day life, and everyone has a different way of experiencing them. All ways are valid.

Obviously, I know this is a website, which is way different than dealing with someone face to face who makes those kinds of claims. Maybe it's even for liability on here, I don't know. But I"ll tell you, in the counselor work I do, we sit with that uncomfortable situation no matter what it is. of course, it's easier for us, because we've all been there, we can all relate.

Anyway, I thought I'd just give my two cents in on this. This is a way more complex topic than it seems.
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Re: Why the stigma?

Postby realityhere » Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:32 pm

I understand that some ppl have such overwhelming emotions that are difficult to express, that it is sometimes expressed thru self-harm and sometimes suicidal ideation, sometimes thru self-sabotage of one's efforts or ambitions, or sometimes even unconsciously hooking up with an abusive partner who resembles/act like their one-time childhood abuser. 1001 ways to die, or in this case to have some kind of release from the hold of the emotional stress caused by some kind of trauma.

No, no one would be able to fathom a successful designer whose compelling suicide ideation was to drive her car into the median dividing a 10-lane freeway and she was in the fast lane at 110 mph.

It took everything in my willpower to fight that compulsion that day.
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Re: Why the stigma?

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:31 am

exjuny wrote:Why if it helps me and doesn't hurt anyone else why is there such pushback to stop or prevent it. I cut or burn for several different reasons but I can tall you that afterwards I always feel better than I did before hand....so why the anti?


Maybe because it's physical harm HERE NOW. And people have a hard time dealing with it. It's drastic, it's extreme. It's more immediate than watching someone, say, drink themselves to death.

The only thing that stopped me from SH, was having to keep it secret, hidden- the minute people began to get suspicious of my 'clumsiness', I knew it had to end as a frequent thing.

But like so many addictive things, it sure can make you feel better... but for me, only for a very short time.

Alucard wrote:People who don't have experience with self harm are also reluctant to listen and understand WHY the self-harmer is having trouble. I've had people tell me I'm being stupid for doing it, and refuse to talk to me, without ever asking me . . . hey, what's going on?. . . No supportive approach, just defensiveness because THEY'RE uncomfortable with what they see. And that's the key. There's a level of discomfort surrounding things people don't understand.


Or preconceived notions. I've had someone who should actually know better for reasons I won't get into, tell me with a straight face that if someone SH it's ALWAYS because 'they want the attention'. And I nodded and silently fumed as I stood there with self-harm wounds (I was at the peak of my SH)- knowing if I said what I'd wanted to- well, what about ME?? who has never told anyone and doesn't WANT it known...?.... then it would have proved their point, at least, in their eyes.
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Re: Why the stigma?

Postby oceane » Wed Jul 12, 2017 11:48 am

exjuny wrote:Ok so I'm not sure whats normal (lol, normal) but I'm a 41 year old male and I've been self-mutilating for as long as I can remember. I realize there's a stigma attached and it defies social norms but can someone explain to me why. Why if it helps me and doesn't hurt anyone else why is there such pushback to stop or prevent it. I cut or burn for several different reasons but I can tall you that afterwards I always feel better than I did before hand....so why the anti?


It really sounds like self-harm has become so normalized to you over the years that you've lost (or never had) the grasp of how shocking and damaging a thing it really is. I get where you're coming from - I started self-harming at around age 8, and still self-harm now at 30. My parents responded to my self-harm with mockery or as though it were just a silly habit. However, for most people, (or healthy people), it's just completely horrifying. My current boyfriend was the one who actually made me realize that I was doing something seriously bad and detrimental and dysfunctional. If you've been self-mutilating for as long as you can remember, it's not going to seem like a big deal, because it's been normalized to some degree over the years, and it "works" as a short-term solution.

Why the anti?

- Most healthy people don't respond to stress by being violent toward themselves. They have healthy ways instead (which don't involve any harm toward themselves) of dealing with issues, so it's something which seems very hard to understand and so seems strange to others.

- Blood is blood. Gore is gore... People mostly tend to try to actively avoid those things: things that cause pain, blood and injury. Self-inflicted gore takes it to another level of horrifying for many people.

- It actually does hurt other people. If you have people who love you in your life, the knowledge that you're hurting yourself can be anything from deeply concerning and worrying, (knowing this is what you do), to actually traumatizing to them, (if for example, you're hacking at yourself in front of their eyes). I realize you probably don't self-harm in front of others, but still, it can absolutely cause emotional distress to people around you.

- It doesn't actually solve anything... It's literally a dysfunctional way of handling issues, which carry certain risks depending on how you do it, how much you do it, and how and if you treat the wounds afterward. It might "work", for a period of time, but you'll always need to do it again because it doesn't solve the problem, and you're still hurting yourself. Any dysfunctional way of dealing with problems is just that: a dysfunction. It's in your best interest to learn how to replace a dysfunctional way of handling your stresses in a healthy way rather than self-injury.
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