I don't know why I do this

I used to think I had an idea. Or a few even.. I used to think I liked the pain, or the blood. Or maybe the endorphin rush afterward. I don't really like any of it now though. Everything about this habit or routine I get into is negative. I never feel better, it's never enough.

I have lived with depression most of my life and have tried once to get professional help. I took my prescribed anti-depressants for a whole of 2 months before I started seeing that it wasn't helping and was making things worse. I started dissociating completely during my self harm episodes and stopped taking it after that.

Why feel better if you can no longer trust trust yourself? I'm tired of doing this knowing each mark is another indication to someone else that I should be left alone. It's hard enough for me to relate or connect with anyone, but explaining that I cut myself and that I don't always know why isn't something a lot of people will just tolerate.

I want to be better.. That has to count for something. I don't know what better is, but I know that this isn't it.

Hi, f1sh.

I know this is quite late, but I hope you're still looking for replies.
I just wanna let you know that this sort of feeling is normal (from my experience) with pretty much all forms of addiction (self harm, drugs, etc etc). The whole 'why do I even do this, I know it's bad for me but I can't stop' is what some could consider part of the definition of addiction.

Medication, unfortunately, can tend to make symptoms worse. However, just because one form of antidepressant doesn't help that doesn't mean others won't. There are plenty of different kinds of antidepressants, from my limited knowledge. You also don't need to go on medication during treatment, if you don't desire to. I just wanna say that the more you continue treatment, obviously, the easier it gets. I simply recommend going in to see a therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist/etc etc. I'm not sure if you currently are or not, but I am going to assume you aren't. Correct me if I'm wrong. If you get the right therapist, which you can change if you haven't, I find them easy to connect to. Good therapists aren't there to judge you; they are there to help you.

It's great that you want to get better; that will make it significantly easier in the long run, and you also have a very good, simple reason to continue treatment. One thing to keep in mind is that treatment doesn't, unfortunately, help after only about a day. It takes awhile, with tons of hard work on all parties involved, however it is almost worth it in the end.

Don't beat yourself up because you aren't able to change immediately. Change takes time, especially if it involves any form of addiction. I recommend, instead of thinking as it as either 'better' or 'not better', recognize bits progress you make. Say, you can recognize if your mood is better. You can recognize if you feel more confident. You can recognize if you open up to people. The list goes on, and those are only a few examples.

I apologize if this is a huge unhelpful ramble, as I am kinda allover the place by default.