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NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Oct 30, 2016 7:28 pm

Thanks smurf, I wish I could put my finger on it, but not sure why.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Thu Nov 03, 2016 1:44 pm

Had a crap day yesterday, as it seems one of my regular nurses has moved to a different doctors surgery and therefore a different team of nurses. I was very attached to her, and this has hit me hard. The carer came in to do my tea, and I couldn't face it. I ended up replacing tea with two cans of cider, and then I had two more at 10.30pm.

I am really starting to feel like I want my life to end. I'm tired of feeling low, I'm tired of trying to find a reason to keep going. I talk to people about how I'm feeling, but nothing seems to change. My hands are shaking while I type this and that is just a sign that my body has had enough of being abused with alcohol. I feel trapped by my fear to cut a vein open, so I go on drinking to shut my head off.

I hate being someone who gets attached to certain people, because when they leave, I'm the one who gets hurt, but I don't seem to be able to stop it from happening.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Thu Nov 03, 2016 7:24 pm

I spoke to one of my district nurses today, and told her how I am feeling. She tried to re-assure me that the nurse who I was told had left, may still be able to come and see me occasionally. Not convinced that is true as nurses have left before and I hardly ever see them now.

Thought today that I was seeing my Community Psychiatric Nurse tomorrow, but she isn't due until 7th November.

I'm continuing to keep myself to myself, other than having the carers in.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Tue Nov 08, 2016 2:34 pm

I had a surprise visit from the district nurse who I was told had left. She told me she is back working at my doctors surgery.

Even though I have said in previous posts that I am scared to cut my wrists, I have found myself going through the motions of doing it in my head, and that then triggers me to drink. I had two cans before going to sleep last night, and then woke up at 3am, and my brain started thinking of negative things, so I had a can at 3am.

I've noticed the last few days that I am finding it harder to wake up in the morning. Up until a few days ago, I was already awake when the carer came in the morning. Now, I seem to still be quite tired when she arrives. Not sure if this is related to the blood loss or the drinking, or both.

Had a phone call from someone from social services this morning, saying that the carers seem concerned that my morning call is taking longer lately. It is more likely that the care agency is under-estimating how long it takes for me to get showered and dressed and breakfasted in the morning, as the care agency manager has got my morning call down as half an hour, and it takes about an hour in actual time. This has meant that social services are going to have to look at my care package again and I may have to start paying for the care.

I have discussed with my counsellor the idea of writing down my feelings on paper. Her idea not mine.
I started writing stuff down about how many negative things have happened this year, and how I have dealt with them(or not)! I'm not sure if having my thoughts down on paper is going to help or hinder my current state of mind.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Tue Dec 06, 2016 4:17 pm

Getting urges to cut wrist, amd not sure why.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby realityhere » Thu Dec 08, 2016 3:07 am

hi Trojan,

Forgive me as I have had a lot on my plate lately and for not responding to you as I would have liked. I realize that you are undergoing an ordeal with bedsore infection as last I've read, among care issues you've experienced as well. I struggle too with thinking of others when there are so many problems in my life, so forgive me if you thought I dropped out of your life. I do care what is happening to you, but I hope you realize that others are dealing with probs you may not be aware of. Just so you know, none of us are singular in dealing with all kinds of probs, heh.

Yes, writing things down on paper can clarify a lot of issues. I know that there's a lot of emotional stuff that goes on, but try to keep the emo's down a bit and get really rational about the issues you feel strongly about when discussing with your counsellor. I do hope you get the the drinking down to size, that you can be master of that, pleasure or vice. I hope you will get better.

Best to you~
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Dec 11, 2016 5:24 pm

Hi Realityhere,

Thank you for your message. Sorry to here you have a lot on your plate, but what matters is that you are safe. I was beginning to see the light, but the cider just keeps nagging at me to calm me down when my body is freaking out. Unfortunately, it is not as effective anymore and it takes even more cider to calm me down now.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:19 pm

Have made a momentus decision today. I am going to make a determined effort to stop drinking during the day. Only trouble is, I need to find a way of keeping my hands occupied, and I need to find a way of not reaching for the cider when I get body spasms. Have realised that the cider is no longer relaxing my body, and I am putting on weight.

I decided I no longer like being drunk during the day. I am still going to allow myself up to 6 cans before I settle down to sleep as the night time is when I really struggle with my thoughts, as there is nothing to keep me distracted.

I have put an elastic band on one wrist so that I can distract myself from unwanted thoughts.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby Snaga » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:34 pm

Sounds like a plan, Trojan!
Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP. And a bunch of weirdness.

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Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby smurf » Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:31 pm

Hey Trojan

Have you ever tried one of those adult/mindful colouring books? I'm told they work quite welll when you get into them. Have you ever considered art or music therapy to help. Just random thoughts I thought I would throw out there.

Stay strong.

Hugs
Silent all these years- Tori Amos
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