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I feel like I might start cutting again.

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I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby lucidnightmares » Sun Dec 27, 2015 1:27 am

I used to cut about 2-3 years ago, but for the most part, stopped. I still occasionally punched myself or other objects or made a few cuts here and there. It's no where near as bad as it used to be. Yet, I can't help but miss it. I feel I like the pain, its easier to deal with things than being angry or crying. I also like the scars or cuts. The thing is, generally everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a decent job with cool coworkers and an amazing boyfriend who loves me even with my psycho episodes. I don't really know why I'm craving the pain again. I feel stupid for thinking like this.
"The madness is comforting, you see,
Because to us, it is our only reality." - lucidnightmares
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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby Smiggles » Sun Dec 27, 2015 4:08 am

Hey, lucidnightmares.

I know the feeling, but just remember that recovery takes time, whether it's weeks, months, or even years. some people never fully recover from SH and often fall back into old habits, but others slowly find their way out of self destructive antics.

Your situation will be VERY familiar to many people in the SH forum. that can be taken as a good and bad thing, depends on the context, but it's a bit of both for this one.

Sometimes the urges to harm yourself come back without clear reasoning, it's completely normal for someone that has history of SH. same goes for liking cuts/scars, very common.

Have you tried alternatives, by any chance?
*Won't be very active over the next 3 weeks*

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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby atina » Mon Dec 28, 2015 4:07 pm

Dear lucidnightmares:

Sounds like your present situation is pretty good, job and boyfriend. But the past lives in us. When we are children, our brain forms around our experience. Neural connections in our brain are formed then, connections that deal with the hurts we experience. Fortunately, old connections, neural pathways can be weakened and new connections formed.

To do so we need insight into the past... did you attend good psychotherapy? Maybe you need good enough psychotherapy so to get the insight you need and heal the pains of the past that are still vibrating...? Maybe you are currently in contact with a person or persons who abused you and in so doing, your pain is kept alive..?

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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby lilyfairy » Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:32 am

lucidnightmares wrote:I used to cut about 2-3 years ago, but for the most part, stopped. I still occasionally punched myself or other objects or made a few cuts here and there. It's no where near as bad as it used to be. Yet, I can't help but miss it. I feel I like the pain, its easier to deal with things than being angry or crying. I also like the scars or cuts. The thing is, generally everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a decent job with cool coworkers and an amazing boyfriend who loves me even with my psycho episodes. I don't really know why I'm craving the pain again. I feel stupid for thinking like this.
Please don't feel stupid for it. It is a confusing feeling to sit with.

I have had similar feelings when I managed to stop for some time (I relapsed a few years ago). Now when I cut, I am cutting in a different place- legs not my arms like I used to, but I when I get urges to cut, I still feel the crawling sensation on my arms. I do understand what you mean that the pain is easier to cope with than anger/crying- they're emotions that to me feel very uncomfortable and I usually block them.

As for the urges/feelings being there when things are going well, there's a couple of things my therapist pointed out to me with that. One is habit- they've become go-to thoughts when something goes wrong, even if it's something seemingly trivial or something I can deal with. Another is sabotage- thinking that I don't deserve for things to go ok and that I need to sabotage when things do go ok. Another is that dissociation is still a big feature in my everyday life and cutting/pain is usually something that brings me back (temporarily) so my urges come from there a lot too. I also found that I had a lot more going on under the surface that I'd not really understood/acknowledged before.

Have you thought about exploring things more with a therapist at all?

Take good care
Lily
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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby atina » Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:45 pm

* Dear Lily:

Reads like your therapy has been helpful to you. Can you share how you have been re-connecting to your emotions? Undoing the dissociation bit by bit, over time? With re-associating, is the cutting urge less intense? I am in the process of re-associating (my term here) myself, what a slow, slow process. I would like to read how it is for you???

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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby lilyfairy » Thu Dec 31, 2015 12:52 pm

atina wrote:* Dear Lily:

Reads like your therapy has been helpful to you. Can you share how you have been re-connecting to your emotions? Undoing the dissociation bit by bit, over time? With re-associating, is the cutting urge less intense? I am in the process of re-associating (my term here) myself, what a slow, slow process. I would like to read how it is for you???

atina

I am not yet at a stage of having been able to reconnect to emotions. I have VERY brief moments where an emotion comes out, but I am still largely detached from it.
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Re: I feel like I might start cutting again.

Postby atina » Thu Dec 31, 2015 4:55 pm

Hi again:

When I had those brief moments of feeling any "weak" strong emotion, that is fear or hurt, I immediately went to feeling nothing. If for a second I started to ... kind of cry, my face would freeze mid expression and I would wonder: what the hell am I doing, I am faking it!

When I start feeling now, presently, being "better" at it, I am okay with feeling whatever only for a second. I do not expect to feel it for longer because I understand the feeling was scary to begin with, this is why I dissociated then, so no wonder I am not going to feel it for long. But I no longer feel like a fake. Following decades of feeling like a fake when feeling tiny hurt... at 55 today. My goodness, what a journey, long journey just to feel real when feeling the hurt of the past.

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