by rehtnap » Wed May 13, 2015 11:31 am
i just wrote a reply to this but it was like war and peace and rambleing. when i tried to post it the system had logged me out so probably a good thing. ill do a shorter version.
ive had mood problems since being 10 ish. i was painfully shy and would rather be my self. from that age ive lost friends and became looked on as a bit odd. i tried to fit in but i was always the outsider.grew up and still the same,used to turn up to things hoping people would be friendly but if i approached a group talking they would either blank me or suddenly all want to go to the bar or toilet. so from early on i stopped liking people,i tried but the only people who seemed to be friends were the ones who wanted something.i had and have a hatred for the world.i tried to be happy and the hyper periods were great until they crash and you realize the damage youve done.your dreams,ideas hopes were all fantasy.people keep their distance after a while.i never had a partner i had strange feelings which only recently came out as transgender issues.the more you have the moods,the idiotic fantasys the more you become isolated.i had jobs,every one left after a blowout and crash. shows how isolated you become when no one youve worked with even bothers to phone you just to ask if you are ok.didnt expect them to they had no feelings just their own worthless lives. fast forward and along came the internet. explored my feelings of gender.identified as gay but it never felt right.slowly drove me mad. ended up in self destruct mode,couldnt stand life anymore.drugs to blank out the head, bad and dangerous time. head not right. no friends,no help,no regard for people. caught hiv and hep c. didnt care what had i got left. did hep c treatment,48 weeks of hell,thought it might calm me or kill me didnt really care. ended up different after.during treatment i looked like id climed out my grave. no one wanted to know me.evry low life so called friend dissapeared. they dont want to know you when your a leaper.hated them all and still do with a vengance.start of hep treatment lost the one job id lasted in more thatn a year. my manager who said he was supportive screwed me and got me out.a year after the treatment i was so different.bad thoughts,moods changed.no interest in people,no value to them.my self destruct mode came back and life went bad.was hypersexual and if a hyper mood hit i was really bad,head screwed,different reality.used drugs to drown out the head. nearly killed myself with what i was doing but had a break down first.out came gender issues id been battleing with.had a sensible period.told gum consultant you stop the sex drive im dead,also need to know if gender feeling are just fantasy or real.was grabbing at anything.found a doc who could put me on antiandrogen to kill sex drive and got referred
to mental health.felt better once anti androgen kicked in and gender feelings stayed.had stopped drugs after break down but head wasnt right.no friends,no trust in people but put faith in mental health. they screwed me around to begine with and had to lodge a formal complaint as they ignored what my other docs had told them.consultant has had a vendeta against me since then.he put in a referral to a gender clinic for me,years+wait and said they would support me as did my gum clinic.tried to stay positive but my gp was messing about,he delayed every thing and i had to push to the point of being a pest. during all this my moods were bad.got put on mood stabilizers.everydose rise made me depressed and suicidal.case worker and consultant showed no interest just said if dont like them stop.i was grabbing at something that would work.when i had my breakdown i had serious suicidal ideation. my case worker couldnt even be bothered to spend 5 mins and phone me after a dose rise to to ask if i was ok.never had to use crisis teams before that. the support for my gender issues never appeared.i tried to talk to my case worker about my feeling but she said it wasnt in their remit id have to wait to see the gender clinic a year away.gum consultant said the same.so im left trying to cope with that. they are sub human for leving me like that and just killed my interest that anyone has value.my case worker said i had to respect my consultant and all i could say was for what.i dont respect anyone.my world has become strange. ive worked out the gp and the consultant referred me to the gender clinic as its outside my area and has to have agreed funding from my area. thats not going to happen,they have cut the funding ive found out.the low lifes have conned me so i shut up about it for a year then its not their problem when theres no funding. what sort of people work together to do that.how little value do they have with my feelings.i have no value with theirs. all this was my last chance at stopping how i was and its just another set of sub humans screwing me about.all i can think of now is suicide or going back to how i was before all this and let self destruction take over. maybe if i do that i can get back to my world and have my 15 minutes of fame and rid the world of scum.
in the last year my farther who was a doctor and always talked to me like i was a patient told me he knew there was something wrong with me early on but they didnt see a need to do anything about it. really cheered me up.bastard was too buisy being a doctor and a pillar of the comunity to have to have a son with problems.probably like all doctors was to buisy or in a meeting.i have bad thoughts.i have a battle in my head as to whether i should stick at it or go back to how i was.either way im alone.cant make friends for long before i either dont trust them or i screw it up.so now i dont want to,i hat the feeling when it fails.as people know with bipolar type stuff it doesnt stop it waits to come round again. i cant bounce back anymore.the world looks different.
in a perfect world,go back to when i was born and give me another brain