new-- dont understand

recently i started cutting.not deep but enough. it started when i had a mood drop last week and went suicidal amongst other things. i controlled the suicidal thoughts but started light cutting on the wrists. i think at the time i was wondering id i could use it as a method of suicide but maybe not seriuosly. let me add im not suicidal now but this morning i was cutting again and sat watching it. nothing deep but a few. ive never cut before but i wasnt worried by it. this cant be right yet it seemed to give some relief in an odd way. why after never cutting would i start. ive been a bit in and out of it recently.

Hey jody, do you think something triggered the cutting and the suicidal thoughts? Cutting is definitely not the answer, i hope you get thru this.

the suicidal thoughts have been around since a year ish ago. before that i had a problem with what the psychiatrist called self harm but i never saw it as that. i had a problem with sex drive,bipolar,gender identity and drugs all rolled together and i lived like there was no tommorrow. that came to a point with a minor break down and the first diagnosis of suicidal ideation.ive been trying to improve since but it seems to have slowly got worse over the year.im on a mood stabilizer which is getting ramped up again. i sat there wondering if it hurt and then how much pain i could stand. i know i wouldnt slash my wrists in a suicide attempt,sad as it sounds i told my doc if i do it i will do it cleanly.
i dont know if im just starting to give up and i felt it wouldnt matter or i just wondered what it felt like but it worries me it felt ok.im seeing my mental health case worker next week,if i feel i can ill tell her. im worried the old self destruction is returning,for reasons i cant do it as i used to and this is starting as a replacement.i do have a bipolar problem and it will never improve but they should be able to controll it. the crisis team guy i talked to this weekend says it could be my resistance to the mood swings ect is breaking down after all the years and its affecting me. he has seen the cut marks but hasnt really talked about it. i think ive just started to stop caring but why suddenly start cutting.my problems are all long standing this is just new. beats me i really dont know,things seem to be going off centre

Hi Jody

It might be good to take a look at the following sticky - it might have some helpful advice and information in it

cutting-self-injury/topic152642.html

Please try not to go down the route of self harm as it is a very difficult habit to get out of

Hugs

Cracked

thanks cracked girl ill read it. wrist is sore now but no regrets other than why

i understand a little more about myself but my moods are so unstable at the moment i cant think. tonight i just want a rest from the moods and that isnt going to happen soon. ive had a lot of coffe so feel up but that will wear off. want my psyc doc to dope me for a while but they wont do that. bad thoughts recently.where does it end,not in a good place i fear

sorry im-pure i never replied. the moods dont seem triggered they just sneak up on me and im not getting a high after as such. the suicidal thoughts,they have appeared over this year,the psyc is watching me since i calmly told him the way i planned and if/when i do there will be no dramatics they will just find me after.im a bit tired of all this,im hiv,did 48 weeks of crap treatment for hep c when every one abandoned me,the bipolar is long standing and ruined anything ive tried. the moods dont stop and im sick of them screwing my life up not that it isnt totaly screwed already. i cant be in a room of people,i had to walk out of a&e when i was waiting for an overdose test because it filled up. i dont want to know people as ill turn at some point and blow them out.the doc suggested maybe some part time work and i told him great if someone has their 5 minute power trip with me because they are in charge im going to have my 2 minutes of hate watching the life drain out of their eyes. so i sit at home thinking i will end the hell. tried going for walks ect doesnt work. messed up on this site recently,i cant work out if some are just playing at what they say they suffer from are real.i went on a thread about influencing someones thoughts and a guy was waffeling on, so i played with his head.he said i hadnt affected him but someone realized i had and stopped me. im glad, he was going to loose. its got down to being evil and i dont care

Jody - in an ideal world what help would you like to help with improving things for you?

Cracked

i just wrote a reply to this but it was like war and peace and rambleing. when i tried to post it the system had logged me out so probably a good thing. ill do a shorter version.
ive had mood problems since being 10 ish. i was painfully shy and would rather be my self. from that age ive lost friends and became looked on as a bit odd. i tried to fit in but i was always the outsider.grew up and still the same,used to turn up to things hoping people would be friendly but if i approached a group talking they would either blank me or suddenly all want to go to the bar or toilet. so from early on i stopped liking people,i tried but the only people who seemed to be friends were the ones who wanted something.i had and have a hatred for the world.i tried to be happy and the hyper periods were great until they crash and you realize the damage youve done.your dreams,ideas hopes were all fantasy.people keep their distance after a while.i never had a partner i had strange feelings which only recently came out as transgender issues.the more you have the moods,the idiotic fantasys the more you become isolated.i had jobs,every one left after a blowout and crash. shows how isolated you become when no one youve worked with even bothers to phone you just to ask if you are ok.didnt expect them to they had no feelings just their own worthless lives. fast forward and along came the internet. explored my feelings of gender.identified as gay but it never felt right.slowly drove me mad. ended up in self destruct mode,couldnt stand life anymore.drugs to blank out the head, bad and dangerous time. head not right. no friends,no help,no regard for people. caught hiv and hep c. didnt care what had i got left. did hep c treatment,48 weeks of hell,thought it might calm me or kill me didnt really care. ended up different after.during treatment i looked like id climed out my grave. no one wanted to know me.evry low life so called friend dissapeared. they dont want to know you when your a leaper.hated them all and still do with a vengance.start of hep treatment lost the one job id lasted in more thatn a year. my manager who said he was supportive screwed me and got me out.a year after the treatment i was so different.bad thoughts,moods changed.no interest in people,no value to them.my self destruct mode came back and life went bad.was hypersexual and if a hyper mood hit i was really bad,head screwed,different reality.used drugs to drown out the head. nearly killed myself with what i was doing but had a break down first.out came gender issues id been battleing with.had a sensible period.told gum consultant you stop the sex drive im dead,also need to know if gender feeling are just fantasy or real.was grabbing at anything.found a doc who could put me on antiandrogen to kill sex drive and got referred
to mental health.felt better once anti androgen kicked in and gender feelings stayed.had stopped drugs after break down but head wasnt right.no friends,no trust in people but put faith in mental health. they screwed me around to begine with and had to lodge a formal complaint as they ignored what my other docs had told them.consultant has had a vendeta against me since then.he put in a referral to a gender clinic for me,years+wait and said they would support me as did my gum clinic.tried to stay positive but my gp was messing about,he delayed every thing and i had to push to the point of being a pest. during all this my moods were bad.got put on mood stabilizers.everydose rise made me depressed and suicidal.case worker and consultant showed no interest just said if dont like them stop.i was grabbing at something that would work.when i had my breakdown i had serious suicidal ideation. my case worker couldnt even be bothered to spend 5 mins and phone me after a dose rise to to ask if i was ok.never had to use crisis teams before that. the support for my gender issues never appeared.i tried to talk to my case worker about my feeling but she said it wasnt in their remit id have to wait to see the gender clinic a year away.gum consultant said the same.so im left trying to cope with that. they are sub human for leving me like that and just killed my interest that anyone has value.my case worker said i had to respect my consultant and all i could say was for what.i dont respect anyone.my world has become strange. ive worked out the gp and the consultant referred me to the gender clinic as its outside my area and has to have agreed funding from my area. thats not going to happen,they have cut the funding ive found out.the low lifes have conned me so i shut up about it for a year then its not their problem when theres no funding. what sort of people work together to do that.how little value do they have with my feelings.i have no value with theirs. all this was my last chance at stopping how i was and its just another set of sub humans screwing me about.all i can think of now is suicide or going back to how i was before all this and let self destruction take over. maybe if i do that i can get back to my world and have my 15 minutes of fame and rid the world of scum.
in the last year my farther who was a doctor and always talked to me like i was a patient told me he knew there was something wrong with me early on but they didnt see a need to do anything about it. really cheered me up.bastard was too buisy being a doctor and a pillar of the comunity to have to have a son with problems.probably like all doctors was to buisy or in a meeting.i have bad thoughts.i have a battle in my head as to whether i should stick at it or go back to how i was.either way im alone.cant make friends for long before i either dont trust them or i screw it up.so now i dont want to,i hat the feeling when it fails.as people know with bipolar type stuff it doesnt stop it waits to come round again. i cant bounce back anymore.the world looks different.
in a perfect world,go back to when i was born and give me another brain

Hey jody

That is a lot to have gone through. I am very sorry to hear how tough things have been for you and how you have been treated. The reason I asked you what help you would ideally want is that if there are things you can think of perhaps we could brainstorm how to get this to happen. What are your views on therapy?

Sending hugs- please keep safe

Cracked