My last year or two of me self harming before I was quitting/in remission was very centered on the scars. I would still it when I was upset, but sometimes I'd just do it because I'd feel some weird compulsion to add more scars. If I really thought about it I didn't think they were beautiful or that they were ugly, the best I could describe it is that they were very fascinating to me. It was also something I could change about my appearance (at that point I cut and dyed my hair CONSTANTLY and always desperately wanted to drastically change how i looked but my hair and scars were all I could do)
innersightseer wrote:A second explanation for my behavior was that by cutting I could prove to myself I was able of accomplishing something. I was kind of proud. I didn't show my scars and wounds to anyone. It wasn't like that.
A lot of my compulsions also had to do with this. I felt like I wasn't good enough or I was weak if my scars weren't 'good enough'. I kept them hidden, and rarely wore short sleeves even when my arms were mostly healed but there was just something that made me proud about a 'good cut'. I also was kinda a junkie for self harm pictures, and surrounded by a lot of other people who cut and some had worse scars than mine. Sometimes I think I would feel like I was somehow faking it for attention, or not actually having a hard time.
(ps if you haven't looked up SH pictures before, seriously never start. It made everything sooooo much harder for me)
As far as I can tell, this is fairly common and a lot of people go through stages of this. I went through a very long period of this but I was clean for 2 whole years shortly after, and have stayed relatively clean with only a few relapses for 1 1/2 years since.
There are a lot of suggestions on how to quit and cope with everything. Even if you have a slightly different motivation for cutting, and even if you've tried them before, I'd highly suggest trying everything again and again until you find some combination or new idea that helps you a lot.
Meds: clonazepam 1mg, wellbutrin xr 450mg, adderall 40mg, ambien 10mg, 200mg lamictal
Dx: AvPD, unspecified bipolar, GAD, ADHD, panic disorder, and some nos schizophrenic spectrum disorder thing