Cutting to cultivate scars

I've mostly quit self-harming as a coping skill.

Now, lately, I find myself just wanting to have more scars. I'm not satisfied with the ones I have from my long bout with SI. I'm obsessed with the thought that they aren't complete, and that I need to fix that.

It's not attached to any kind of emotional response. I'm not going through anything unusual or anything like that. I'm not under any pressure, or having any kind of upheaval that might typically have caused me to want to cut.

I'm confused, and I'm wondering if anyone else has an issue with this. If so, were you able to get to the bottom of it?

Hi Grimoire. This i haven't experienced, but i would think it comes from a need for perfection and ''doing things right''. I believe it still may be an anxiety issue there, somewhere. However..there is no need to punish your body. Maybe those feelings could be ''channeled'' into something else, that is more productive and better for your health?

Hopefully someone who understand this better will chime in. Hugs.

Hi there.

I can relate to your story. I wouln't explain it out of a need for perfection. In my case I created huge scars because of two things. First of all, I was convinced that I deserved these scars. I considered myself as worthless. For a long time I felt like there was living a monster in me. It controlled my thoughts and behavior. I was just the wrapping around it. I wasn't able to control the monster. Therefore I had to be punished. Alot. I not only wanted to feel pain. I wanted to create huge scars. Everyone had to know what a bad person I was. The wounds I created became bigger and bigger. I enjoyed it. Most therapists would explain this joy by the endorphins your body produces when you harm yourself. I know the difference. It wasn't like that. I enjoyed destroying myself, because I hated all I ever was. I still remember how I enjoyed seeing the blood *mod edit*. I'd never felt that lucky. I was dying. I was fully in control. I felt life draining out of my body.

A second explanation for my behavior was that by cutting I could prove to myself I was able of accomplishing something. I was kind of proud. I didn't show my scars and wounds to anyone. It wasn't like that. That wasn't the main deal. But when someone discovered what I had done and was shocked by it, I felt strongly satisfied. One day, when I was hospitalized, a nurse went to my room after I fainted while they were taking care of an old wound they discovered. When she came back, she said she'd never seen such an amount of blood. That moment I felt really proud of being able of doing this.

I don't know if this can help you in a way. This is my experience. It shows me how dangerous it can be to feel yourself worthless and to hate your person.

Please be carefull. I know you don't deserve it to be punished in any way.

My last year or two of me self harming before I was quitting/in remission was very centered on the scars. I would still it when I was upset, but sometimes I'd just do it because I'd feel some weird compulsion to add more scars. If I really thought about it I didn't think they were beautiful or that they were ugly, the best I could describe it is that they were very fascinating to me. It was also something I could change about my appearance (at that point I cut and dyed my hair CONSTANTLY and always desperately wanted to drastically change how i looked but my hair and scars were all I could do)

innersightseer wrote:A second explanation for my behavior was that by cutting I could prove to myself I was able of accomplishing something. I was kind of proud. I didn't show my scars and wounds to anyone. It wasn't like that.

A lot of my compulsions also had to do with this. I felt like I wasn't good enough or I was weak if my scars weren't 'good enough'. I kept them hidden, and rarely wore short sleeves even when my arms were mostly healed but there was just something that made me proud about a 'good cut'. I also was kinda a junkie for self harm pictures, and surrounded by a lot of other people who cut and some had worse scars than mine. Sometimes I think I would feel like I was somehow faking it for attention, or not actually having a hard time.

(ps if you haven't looked up SH pictures before, seriously never start. It made everything sooooo much harder for me)

As far as I can tell, this is fairly common and a lot of people go through stages of this. I went through a very long period of this but I was clean for 2 whole years shortly after, and have stayed relatively clean with only a few relapses for 1 1/2 years since.
There are a lot of suggestions on how to quit and cope with everything. Even if you have a slightly different motivation for cutting, and even if you've tried them before, I'd highly suggest trying everything again and again until you find some combination or new idea that helps you a lot.

Hi Grimoire

I have done this and had urges to cut for similar reasons in the past.

Part of it was/is about trying/wanting to make the pain more real and make it physical and real. To show that it was not all just in my head. Sometimes it's wanting someone to notice things are not ok, but then it all mostly it stays hidden. There was also "doing things right" in the sense of certain numbers and how/where.

When I was around others in 3D who also self harmed, it became a bit of an unintentional competition as to who had the worse/most scars. Really not healthy, and as much as we supported each other, we also triggered each other no end. I'm still working on it all.

Have you/are you having any help with things at all?

Hoping this finds you safe- take good care
Lily

lilyfairy wrote:When I was around others in 3D who also self harmed, it became a bit of an unintentional competition as to who had the worse/most scars. Really not healthy, and as much as we supported each other, we also triggered each other no end. I'm still working on it all.

Wow, is 3D a mental health treatment or something (it sounds like maybe a hospital ward. The one I went to a lot was called 4B) because the exact same thing happened at every single treatment center and therapy school I went to. It was pretty horrible, I mean it's technically pretty inevitable but everyone seems to fall into some sort of twisted combination on who: cuts worse, or eats less, or who's the 'sickest'

Rxln wrote: Wow, is 3D a mental health treatment or something (it sounds like maybe a hospital ward. The one I went to a lot was called 4B) because the exact same thing happened at every single treatment center and therapy school I went to. It was pretty horrible, I mean it's technically pretty inevitable but everyone seems to fall into some sort of twisted combination on who: cuts worse, or eats less, or who's the 'sickest'

That sounds pretty unhelpful. For me it was the opposite...everyone in 3D (i mean real life by 3D) was always so mentally healthy and normal. Which was a good thing but no one to relate to, at all.

I did mean in real life by saying 3D too. (Though the psych ward at the local hospital does use similar letter/number combinations)

I wasn't hospitalised, but I knew of others going through similar issues, and we'd talk about things regularly- both in a "group therapy" type setting and just casually too. The group type setting was the safer of the two- there was a therapist moderating the discussion to some degree.

What you went through sounds like it was really tough going Rxln- hugs.

Yeah, most of the wards I was on had many people at the same level of 'unwell' so the staff would have to work really hard to make sure we didn't create a chain reaction from each other. I did forget to mention that this was an adolescent ward (it happened at my adolescent residential treatment too), and generally teens never are in any programs unless they are in a really bad place.
It was really nice to be able to relate though, It would be really chaotic but because it was a group we all regressed then moved forward as a group
I'm sorry you had nobody to relate to that sounds horrible

I've participated in 2 group therapies and I really liked them. It also helped a lot for me to get a little bit more socially comfortable and it helped me learn how to listen and take advice. There was a lot of conflict in one group sometimes, but because of the moderation we had to learn how to solve conflict and be respectful to others. And you know, we were encouraged to confront others so I really liked my groups. I missed leaving my last one, it was a pretty consistent group of people and we all knew each others backstory. My therapist pulled me out just when I started making real progress too...

It was tough and weird a lot of the time. I went to hospital and treatment places a lot so I guess I got pretty used to it, and being home wasn't really great at the time.

Rxln...im glad you got some help with everything you've been thru, even thou the situation was pretty hard on you. Hugs, and thanks a lot for sharing your experiences.

hugs to you too Lily <3