Relapse on cutting (trigger warning??)

Hi there...I'm not new to psychforums but I am new to this subforum. I spend most of my time here in Paraphilias and my online journal. So I'm not sure if this post needs a trigger warning or not. Feel free to edit this post and add one if needed...

Anyway the reason I'm posting here is because recently (the past two weeks), I've fallen into another depressive episode and, for some reason, relapsed on cutting. I've had depression since 6th grade (age 11) but I hadn't cut since 8th grade (age 13). I'm 19 now, and while I still got cutting urges sometimes, I hadn't actually done it since middle school. I relapsed one morning last month, when I was suddenly extremely suicidal over some friend issues, but then didn't cut again until this past Saturday. Since then I've spent every day feeling extremely low, and every night, a huge wave of suicidal thoughts hits me and I end up cutting.

Originally after I first cut on Saturday night, I felt ashamed for doing it again after going so many years not cutting, but then the next day I accepted it and now I can't stop myself from doing it when I get an urge or access to a sharp object. Then once I start making the cut, it takes me at least 20 minutes to manage to stop and the pain doesn't deter me.

I feel like I'm losing control of this lately. I think I've been stressed out recently because I just made the transition in college to my nursing classes and I'm always afraid of failing. So, in a way, I feel like the only solution is killing myself to avoid failure.

I guess that's all I wanted to say. I don't know if I want solutions or advice or what, but I guess it feels better to post about this.

Hey countess...im sorry youre struggling atm.
to be perfectly honest, i dont have a solution to give you.... I havent cut in a couple years but, when im under what i perceive to be a super super stressful situation the urges comes back, so, the only thing i could say is, dont let your mind even consider cutting as an option. I dont know if you can do that...its the only thing that helped me. If you got to the point where suicide is seen as an option, see a pro asap, as your life is way more precious than anything else, and the more unwell you get, the harder it will be for your classes. How are you now, are you safe?

Hey, I guess I'm doing all right, I haven't cut tonight (yet), though I feel pretty bad. I felt really suicidal just a few hours ago but I didn't have anything to cut with.
My classes are the other problem - I have three tests next week and I'm busy this weekend so I should be studying. But I can't focus on studying and I'm tired. For some reason, I don't even care about my tests, which is unusual for me since normally I'm a perfectionist.
Anyway, thanks for the reply.

Hi

I am really sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I have a few thoughts

Firstly please keep safe with the cutting. Remember it can escalate and sometimes quickly.

In terms of you studies is there someone like ament or you can talk to to try and alleviate the stress for you somewhat? Struggling with illness whilst studying is hard work. I wish I had asked for help at uni. It is not a bad thing to ask for support and does not mean you have failed.

In terms of how you are feeling I think it would be worth having your mood assessed to see if anything needs to be done here. Do you have a Dr you could see?

Keep safe and remember better days are coming

Huge hugs

Cracked

Can i ask you something...do you see cutting as a stress reliever of sorts, or do the plans go deeper than that (suicide). I see you talked about cutting and feeling suicidal, i find that to be concerning. Do you have anyone there physically you can talk to? Maybe a counselor or anyone at all? stay safe countess

CrackedGirl - I don't really have anyone to turn to and I don't have a therapist/psychiatrist or anyone. I can't get one because I'm on my parents insurance and if I got an appointment, they would find out about it. They would freak out if they heard I cut.
Anyway I may talk to my friend about it this weekend since I'll be spending the weekend with her. She knows I used to cut in middle school so maybe she'll be understanding.

Im-pure - I don't have any explicit suicide plans but I do feel suicidal. I don't really use it as a stress reliever, I actually get anxious all the time but I was cutting because of suicidal thoughts.

I'm doing a little better this evening...I cut earlier this afternoon but haven't done it tonight.

Hugs

That sounds very difficult for you in terms of not having anywhere to turn. I hope your friend is supportive if you tell her.

Also how do you get on with self help stuff? There is a bunch of stuff on mood and some stuff on self harm you can order in places like Amazon. Might be of use if you can't seek help. And of course keep talking here. In addition www.dbtselfhelp.com might have something helpful. I find mindfulness is a good one.

Huge hugs and keep safe

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:Hugs

That sounds very difficult for you in terms of not having anywhere to turn. I hope your friend is supportive if you tell her.

Also how do you get on with self help stuff? There is a bunch of stuff on mood and some stuff on self harm you can order in places like Amazon. Might be of use if you can't seek help. And of course keep talking here. In addition http://www.dbtselfhelp.com might have something helpful. I find mindfulness is a good one.

Huge hugs and keep safe

Cracked

So I had a good weekend with my friend and didn't feel sad (didn't tell her about the cutting since I didn't feel the need) but now I feel bad again. I cut again last night. Trying to study and thinking about classes triggered the same old anxieties.
I thought about self help stuff, does that help with self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness?

from what i know, the dbt things help with finding alternative coping mechanisms...so, if you feel like self harming, it teaches you how to cope with the emotions in a different and better way. mindfulness is helpful in the sense that, it helps you stay in the present moment and deal with the situation on hand, so it keeps you centered. it basically redirects your mind to stay away from past anxieties and just take each moment as it comes....

Hi everyone, im brand new to these forums....just gonna jump right into it though

basically, i relapsed last night after something like 3 years of being cut-free...so that was when i was probably 19 or so, im 22 now

I thought i had learned to control myself after all this time, but as all of you must know, when the moment comes, its like my free-will takes a back seat and impulse takes over until i've gotten "it" all out. The setting was at a friends house, but to be honest we're more than friends. We had been "with" each other for almost 2 years, but still haven't put that label on it. Things between us have been weird these passed couple weeks and i knew exactly what the issue was. A few weeks back, she called me up saying how i was the only one she wanted, and basically the whole nine-yards about where we were going and what i wanted from her. I freaked out, as i am terrified of my own feelings, even though i felt pretty much the same way...so stupid. I didn't speak to her for about a week and half after that...again, im a complete $#%^ head. Anyway, when i finally did get the guts to speak to her, things were different, she was acting strange and when i tried to kiss her, she would't let me. Im very intuitive and i knew immediately that she had done something that she knew i would not like, but i let it go for a few days in hopes that it would just go back to normal...it didn't.

Which brings me to last night. I went over to her place to watch a movie and after turning away from me when i tried to put my arm around her, and refusing to kiss me, i couldn't take it anymore and just initiated the conversation. My suspicions were dead on...she had been sleeping with someone else since a couple weeks back when i freaked out after she told me all that stuff and i didn't talk to her for that week and a half, someone i knew, someone i considered a friend. My reaction was something i had not even expected from myself...my world was turned upside down, and my heart was broken. She saw immediately how hurt i was and started bawling her eyes out and apologizing, but the damage was done. I walked outside and stayed out there for a good while, trying to make sense of my reality and what this meant for me. When i finally went back inside, she was still crying...but it got worse. I had decided to forgive her and just move on like it hadn't happened, but she said that everything was different now and that her feelings for this dude were stronger than she realized. It came down to a choice between me or him, and she said that she did not know what to do, this killed me even more.

At this point it was almost 3 am, and i don't have a car, so i couldn't just drive home...i was stuck there. I tried to sleep, but it was impossible, the anger, sadness, and all of the other emotions were keeping me wide awake. After a while, she went to use the bathroom, and that was the moment. I reacted without thinking as soon as she left the room and went straight to her desk where i saw a pair of scissors. I suddenly found myself *mod edit-cutting* my upper thigh, *mod edit- numbers removed*. It felt amazing. I immediately jumped right back into the bed because i heard her coming back.

The funny thing is, I slept like a baby after that.

So that was last night, and i am now all dressed up to go meet her at the bar for her co-workers birthday party. I don't know whats going to happen, since she still hasn't made her choice yet. Wish me luck tonight guys.