Trying not to relapse

Hello! I'm new to these forums. I'm in my mid twenties and started cutting in college. It went on for several years and I told myself it was fine because it was only occasionally and very superficially. I wish so badly I'd asked for help back then at the beginning. But, the past is the past and I didn't. Slowly enough that I didn't realize how bad it was getting It became more frequent and more damaging, until before I knew it I was doing it weekly...sometimes daily and the cuts could sometimes be a bit bad. Thankfully, I did finally talk to someone and it has been almost 9 months since I last cut. Which is pretty awesome! But then my therapist very sadly passed away unexpectedly. I live in a VERY small town that's also very far from anything larger, along with some personal road blocks it makes it so that finding another professional source of help not an option at the moment. I do have some people in my life who know about my cutting. I did decide to not cover my scars once they healed, and they are pretty obvious so it is not really a secret even though I've only openly discussed it with my closest friends. One, I felt I really wanted to commit to leaving SH behind, and I felt not covering them would help me with that. Two, I work outside in a desert climate so it was incredibly uncomfortable to cover up when I didn't have fresh wounds to hide. But recently....I've been really feeling like I need to cut again. It's pretty scary actually, especially now that winter is almost back and I know how easy it will be hide if I relapse. I know that there are urges to overcome in recovery but I came so close the last two nights. It's hard because I truly don't want to relapse. I don't want any more scars and I don't want the stress of hiding it from my friends and family. But then at night when my anxiety and self loathing catch up with me it can be very hard to believe or care about the reasons why I stopped. I just need to vent to those who understand first hand. I have friends who know...and they try to listen but I can see in their eyes how sad and uncomfortable it makes them...and how much they genuinely don't understand even though they try. Which sometimes hurts worse. I just needed to get it out I guess. Thank you for listening!

many hugs

I have been struggling with relapse thoughts too recently and it is very difficult to challenge them. What i have done is tried to remind myself of how far I have come but also take the pressure off that if I cut it is not the end of the world and I will stop again. Weirdly thinking like this I think has actually helped with not cutting. Would it help to talk more about what is in your head. Sounds very difficult that you lost your therapist and that further help is not an option atm. Feel free to talk here

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you for your reply! I like your suggestion of not thinking of a relapse as the end of the world, thank you. It takes some of the pressure off.... I've actually never spoken to anyone else who has self harmed so it's a relief to be able to talk about it without the stressful burden of explaining it. I think it's been hard because....well the first few months I stopped it was pretty hard. My brain seemed conditioned to think of SH in response to every negative feeling or occurrence. It was actually pretty eye opening to realize how quickly my reaction was to reach for a blade, I hadn't realized to the extent that I'd practically trained myself to think that way until I wasn't allowing myself to follow through. But after my brain got used to not "going there" the following months were almost deceptively easy and I think I thought I was in the clear. Which in hindsight seems silly because I don't think I've REALLY learned any real coping mechanisms or really addressed the root reasons why I SH in the first place. I think I'm only just realizing that by stopping SH I was really just going hulk-mode with the willpower but not actually addressing the real problem. When my therapist passed away I hadn't been seeing her for too long, so we had really only touched the surface of things at that point. So basically I'm finding now that my depression is creeping back up, and other triggers are appearing again that I'm as ill equipped to deal with them as I was before. My SH is a symptom of things that are very much still there...and I don't know how to change those things. I don't even know where to begin.

hi muttz,

muttz269 wrote:I don't think I've REALLY learned any real coping mechanisms or really addressed the root reasons why I SH in the first place. I think I'm only just realizing that by stopping SH I was really just going hulk-mode with the willpower but not actually addressing the real problem

yes, addressing the root cause why you SH will help you to stop SHing for good, and prevent a relapse. i always identify my self-harm triggers. why i need to SH,etc. once i recognize it, i started to learning healthier behavior. it's not easy really. when things were really bad, and i feel overwhelmed, it's very hard to not think of SH again. but when the urge comes, i'll distract myself with ANYTHING that helps me to not SHing.

relapse happens to many people and it's normal (SH and other things) but if that happens, just keep going. focus on stopping. don't beat yourself up about it

and give yourself a reward for everytime you don't self harm/resist the urge. sometimes it motivates me.

hope this helps a little

hi

In terms of something practical you could try there is a good website about DBT self help which I found useful in the past www.dbtselfhelp.com . This might help some to improve your coping techniques and it is something that is available on the web rather than your needing to see someone. It might just help a bit so could be worth a look?

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you both so much!! I really appreciate the time and I will definitely check out that link. *hugs*

No problem

Keep us posted how you are doing

Hugs

Cracked

Well...I relapsed.

Not too bad, I'm fine. I just hit critical mass with the stress and too many things went down at once and I just snapped. Today was just the last straw...we had an insane monsoon and my basement flooded, which I was trying to deal with when I realized my dog had stolen the swiffer mop pad behind my back and ate it. I got really scared she is going to get a blockage and need surgery and I just couldn't take the boulder on my chest and I cut. I just needed to have the white noise/numbness that I have after SH. I'm so tired, I just want to feel nothing for a little bit. I wish I wasn't this way.

muttz269 wrote:Well...I relapsed.

Not too bad, I'm fine. I just hit critical mass with the stress and too many things went down at once and I just snapped. Today was just the last straw...we had an insane monsoon and my basement flooded, which I was trying to deal with when I realized my dog had stolen the swiffer mop pad behind my back and ate it. I got really scared she is going to get a blockage and need surgery and I just couldn't take the boulder on my chest and I cut. I just needed to have the white noise/numbness that I have after SH. I'm so tired, I just want to feel nothing for a little bit. I wish I wasn't this way.

That sounds like a lot for you to go through and I can understand why you would want to cut with all of that. I hope that your dog is OK - have you gone to the vets to check? Please take good care of yourself - you will get there

Hugs

Cracked