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Is there any hope that lying can be cured? Help?

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Is there any hope that lying can be cured? Help?

Postby KBee » Tue Aug 02, 2005 3:02 am

I have just read through all the posts on this website and am wondering if there is any good news?... Everyone seems to be saying get out while you can. My boyfriend is a liar, and I am beginning to think compulsive because he lies about stupid things that most people wouldn't but they always seem to be for fear of displeasing people - he is perfect apart from this rather large flaw. I have threatened to leave many times and he always promises to never do it again. Last week I actually left and now he is begging for me back, saying that he has only realised now that I have actually gone how much he has hurt me and that he will get counselling, etc. I'm miserable without him, but will he be able to stop? These posts seem to suggest no and it is so depressing... can anyone shed hope on the situation?
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Postby croydonref » Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:05 pm

I am admitting for the first time to being a liar and I hate it. I know that I have to stop and I know that the only way to do it is to want to myself. I am married with 4 wonderful children and a wonderful wife, I owe it to them to do this as well as myself. I do not want my kids to grow up without their Dad. I have pushed my Wife to the limit and I have to change she has done nothing wrong to me at all. The best advice I can give you that people can change, you can give up smoking, and if you want to you can stop lying. I hope it works out for you, you need to talk to your boyfriend and lay some ground rules down and be firm.

Martin
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Postby Kat » Mon Aug 08, 2005 12:43 am

Thanks for your advice. It is encouraging to hear from someone who has the same problem who truly believes that it can be changed. I am giving him one last chance and if it doesn't work this time then I'm getting out because its just too emotionally draining. I sincerely hope that you can stop your lying too and save your family. Good luck.
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Postby croydonref » Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:45 am

I know exactly how you feel, Kate my wife has had to put up with a lot, we are lucky our marridge is solid and we have been married for 7 years, all is well apart from my lies. It has never been ok to lie, but to be honest it was because I felt I was never good enough for her, and in my way thought I should try to impress without thinking of the outcome. My reasons for lying was due to previous relationship problems including violence on my former partners part, and being taken for a complete fool financially. My children are still young but old enough to understand what is right and wrong, especially my 5 and 6 year old, and I dont want them making the same mistakes as I have. To be honest it has been in my system to lie for many years it would be over buying houses and money, now we are really buying a house and I am able to provide evidence to Kate that we are doing this for real, I cannot tell you how good that feels. As she has said to me it is better to tell the truth and have 10 minutes worth of lecture than to lie and have months of hell that can be easily avoided. From a person who has lied over major things, I really do believe anyone can stop if they have the desire and the feelings for those around them that they love. It is easy to make excuses, and have done that myself, but at 40 years old, i do not want to lose what I have and that is in itself incentive enough. The best way to make changes is to face what you are doing once you have done this you are half way to solving the problem. My advice to you and your boyfriend is that it would seem that you want to patch it up, but he has to admit to his lying and have the courage and determination to deal with it. I hope that it works out for you as well good luck.

Martin
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Postby robert0929 » Mon Aug 08, 2005 3:30 pm

I hope that he is sincere, Kbee. It is very compassionate of you to give him another chance.
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Postby Guest » Tue Aug 09, 2005 1:05 am

So do I Robert... he certainly seems sincere this time. I just have to have faith and hope and pray that this time it will work.

Martin, any time you feel you need to lie just remember how good it feels to be upfront and honest, and the encouragement you will get from your wife. You say you lie because you think you are not good enough for her.. she obviously does not feel that way if she has stayed married to you for this long, and she seems in it for the long haul if she is staying with you and trying to work through the lying with you. Sounds like you have found a true companion in your wife.
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Postby Kat » Tue Aug 09, 2005 1:08 am

Sorry that was me that posted that last reply.. I wasn't logged in though.
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Postby robert0929 » Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:41 am

Sometimes I wish that my fiance would read this forum, she tells me that it is simple, you tell the truth or you don't. In the most basic form, she is certainly right, but there is so much more to it. I take it one day at a time and I just don't tell any lies, no matter what. It has not been many days gfor me, but I keep the thought that one day builds into another, I pray that one day she will believe me. Right now she does not. I am fighting to show her, but she says that she does not know if she can ever trust me again, I do not blame her, I probably would not either.

To paraphrase an old AA thing (flipping the words drink and drinking make it very applicable...

Learning to live without lying "one day at a time." We stay away from that "first lie." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of lying, we found that life became much more manageable.


The only thing that I can do is be truthful, perhaps one day she will see. Perhaps she will not. This interim is pretty miserable for me, but I try to understand it from her perspective more than my own. As much as I hurt inside myself, I know that her pain is deeper, she has been betrayed. It is a paradox for me because this empathy leads to overwhelming guilt. When I go here, I often think of the final solution. The pain of the guilt consumes me.
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I believe so...

Postby Jennydoll » Thu Aug 11, 2005 7:46 pm

Though I can't say for sure. I do believe that compulsive lying can be controlled if not cured. After my husband read "The Liar's Revelation" by Karl A. Walsh. He became very motivated. He really struggled at first but I can see the effort and saw that it was helping. He didn't just "tackle" everything at once but started fixing his problems one by one. We relocated away from everything and everyone he lied to and started fresh. That was one of Karl's suggestions and he focused on just me. He started building his self-esteem and confidence and started telling me things that I thought he never would. Now he has no one that knows of him or his past and has a chance to start fresh. He slips every now and again but he definately is a changed person as far as trying to help himself. I will continue to see if he can be a changed person that no longer lies.
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Postby Kat » Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:20 am

Robert - can I ask you a question? Do you lie about petty things just to keep the peace, or because you are afraid someone will not like what they are about to hear? Or do you lie impulsively about anything, as if you have no control over it? I seem to see a pattern with my boyfriend's lies. He lies so as not to displease people. For example, if three people ask him out in one night, he will say yes to all three of them rather than disappoint two of them, and will simply not show up and make up some bogus excuse the next day as to why he didn't go. This sort of liar I think with help can control their lies. I find with him, if I encourage him when he tells me the truth about something he knows I won't really like, by keeping calm and just saying at least you were honest about it, he seems to be proud as if he has made an achievement. I took him back last Sunday, and there have been no lies since. I don't know how many people would agree with this, but he has started to seek God, and believes that beginning a relationship with God will give him the strenght to be a better person and be honest and trustworthy. It seems to be working so far, so good. Is this something you would ever look into?
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