Be responsible about confessing - from a person once lied to

This is long, but I hope it will be helpful to some of you. Its written from a person who, six years ago, received the big "confession."

First, I'm not suggesting keeping the other person in a state of ignorance, nor am I suggesting keeping lies secret or to not tell your loved one so that you can just "get out of it." But I am suggesting that the person breaking the addiction of lying does it in a responsible and mature manner, first with a counsellor, instead of impulsively dumping a confession on a loved one to feel better.

Remember that the loved one who is about to receive this painful news is no more emotionally prepared for the truth than you were when you were acting out. They are not a counsellor or a minister, nor should they be expected to be one. Nor are they your saviour. When you confess everything to them, you will feel at first a sense of relief, but you will be looking at a person who you have just hurt beyond belief. And you will have done this without having made any preparations to ease the hurt for them, or any preparations for how to be there for them, once you've confessed.

I believe that the argument to tell the whole truth to the loved one is meant with the best of intentions - to get the lier to break the habit and break the secrecy, so that he/she can begin to live an honest life. Great idea, except for one thing - you still haven't seen the big picture, because you've really left the other person out of the equation. You haven't seen or considered what will happen to the other person once they receive the news - not so much whether or not they'll stick around, but more importantly, what their life will be like after they receive the news that the things they trusted, believed in, loved, and counted on are not reality. Further, you have completely left out all the painful feelings and consequences that person will now go through from now on.

A plan, done in counselling with a professional, would assist you in deciding what to confess or not. It would help you to discover how to choose what you should confess - in other words, the important things and not the simply destructive things, as well as if a confession will help the relationship at all. And most importantly, it will assist you to learn how rebuild your relationship on a foundation of honesty, either with or without the confession.

In my case, I am not a compulsive lier, but I was married to one. I was never given a choice in whether or not I wanted to receive the confession. Once again, decisions were made without my imput. I didn't get any say in whether or not I wanted to hear or what I was ready to hear. I was never asked. There are some things that I was told that I could have been spared and they still hurt to this day. Consider that there are things that people do when they are addicted to lying. They are shameful things that hurt themselves and can humiliate and deeply damage their loved ones, too. There was no reason on God's green earth that I needed to be told details that would deeply damage my own self esteem. I was only being told because, in the moment that my ex decided to confess, he had a burning desire to relieve his own guilt.

I loved him, was very loyal, and I wanted to support his recovery in any way that I could. But it was so cruel to have had this dumped on me all at once. I became totally depressed, utterly confused and I blamed myself. I became weak with trying to cope, and ran out of any emotional strength to take care of my own health. That is because any addiction, including an addiction to lying, affects every member of the family. Everything I'd understood to be my own reality for my own life, had crumbled, and was replaced with living in an emotional cyclone. Keep in mind that you are perhaps receiving news of lies that have gone on for several years or months of your life. You feel totally devastated. You feel betrayed and helpless. It is absolutely emotionally terrifying, because everything you trusted isn't true.

I'm not saying I wanted to be in a place of ignorance. No way. I'm just saying that I wish that the confession could have included only things that would have helped both of us, and would have not been done in a way that needlessly damaged my own sense of trust and self esteem.

Sure, a total confession creates a feeling of utter relief to the person who has been addicted to lying. But that person is still coming from a selfish place in telling the other person, because they haven't considered what the truth, told irresponsibly, can do to the poor guy/girl who was lied to. After all, the lier has been used to controlling the relationship and the other person for some time, with a skeleton structure of lies, but this skeleton was still reality for the person lied to. That person may believe that their boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife has been completely faithful. They believe that the person loves them, and would never do anything to hurt them. They believe that they are able to trust that person, and to trust their environment. They don't understand what has happened, nor, at this point, should they.

Depending upon the severity of the lies and the amount of time the lying has been going on, the result of having a confession just dumped on you can mean that the person lied to can go into post traumatic stress symptoms, in order to just cope with the shock. Its a horrible place to be in.

When I was told, there were times that I wanted to die, and I wished that I would. I had loved him so much, and I was so hurt. He had been my very best friend, and I didn't know why he would do these things to his buddy, his best friend of 13 years. I couldnt' see the forest from the trees. I was his wife and he'd treated me like his priest or his counsellor. A wife isn't a counsellor or a nurse or a miracle worker. A wife is just a wife, and she is only human. She's going to react.

After these confessions were made, I I spent so many sleepless mornings, awakened by the thoughts of what he'd been doing behind my back. I went deep depression. Every time my spouse had a slip in his rehab programs, my anxiety over the new reality of our lives was so shakey, because I couldn't erase the humiliating and horrible details that came with the "full" confession. I would go into great pain expecting the very worst to happen, and this instability took a great toll on my own health.

Ask yourself - what plan have you got in mind after you confess, to be able to be there for your loved one - to help them with this pain? My guess is that you don't have any idea. That's because you probably need time to figure out how you even arrived at this point, and you don't have the tools yet to be able to be there for your spouse. That will come in time. So, don't put either one of you into a place that you both cannot handle. Work with a counsellor right now, not with your lied-to loved one.

Part of the 12 step program that is used in so many addiction programs tells people, "make amendments, whenever possible, EXCEPT WHEN to do so will hurt another person." Remember that in getting well, you are striving for a lifestyle based on honesty and based on considering the other people in your life, and in fact, based on considering all of humankind - for we are all part of each other.

And making an amendment is not really about making a confession. Making an amendment is about living your life in a different way, free of lying, and in a proactive way towards your loved ones.

So please, if you love the person you want to tell, realize that it isn't necessary to unburden every detail about the lying that you did. Think about what is important for them to know, and why and how you will tell them. And if you don't want the relationship and are planning to leave, then please don't tell them at all. It is only being needlessly cruel. And, if you don't plan to really work at the relationship, consider this too. My marriage of 13 years ended, and I often wish that I had never ever ever known the truth about some of the things he did since we're not able to be together, now. All it did was hurt me more.

I hope that in telling you this that you will have learned something helpful, and I do applaud all of you who are working hard at turning the addiction around.

yours,

"a little girl is now a woman, stronger and wiser!"

Well, i found this post incredibly intelligent and informative. Had i have had this sort of advice 18 months ago, I would have handled the problems that my partner has had, in a different way.
It has taken 18 months for the truth to come out completely and has taken a terrible toll emotionally, on the people involved.
The use of a counsellor is the most responsible. The problem i found was actually trying to get the liar to counselling. I think, at the point that the compulsive liar, or the person who has being lying compulsively to protect themselves realises that they have a problem, they are in such an emotional mess, (due to the impact of the realisation and guilt of what they have done) that to be rational enough to go to a counsellor alone is near on impossible. It seems to be the case that most liars either have to confess before seeking help, or have already been confronted by others. By the time that the people around the liar, realise that there is a big problem, they too, feel so hurt and betrayed, even if they dont know the full extent of the lies, just that they have been lied to, anger initially kicks in, so once again being rational is difficult.
Understanding lying is difficult. To be lied to, but still show understanding is difficult.
What i have discovered after spending some time on this forum, is there is a big difference between a compulsive liar, and someone that lies compulsively to cover up wrong doing.
Either way, It is very wise advice, for the person who has been lied to, to try and take a step back, and seek help for the liar, (and themselves) but it is also very hard to do unless the liar is ready to accept and want help. As for us the lied to, yes, confession does destroy us and also our self esteem. We are not prepared emotionally for what we hear, and need help too in dealing with it.
Thank you again for this wise advice. I realise now that even though i did try my best to get my b/f to counselling, had i consulted one myself at the same time, the counsellor may have been able to give me the resources to deal with the hurt and pain, along with the ability to step back and try to deal with this incredibly complex issue of lying, in a more structured way that could have caused less devestation.

I had a quick question from anyone and everyone that has experience in this subject. I have been dealing with a problem of compulsive lying for a very long time, and it falls more along the lines of lying to avoid confrontation. It has become an automatic response for me though and now affects me in all aspects of my life. I am currently working with a therapist, but the question I have is how does this type of lying differ from someone who lies to make themselves look and sound better to other people?
Any help would be appreciated!!

Firstly well done for seeking help!
Lying, is a complex issue, as it hurts so many people.
I guess people lie for alot of different reasons, from experience, on some counts its due to low self esteem so people 'big' themselves up with lies to make themselves look better in the eyes of others. Most of the time, they dont need to, we are all human, and all do things wrong dont we. For others, its because they do things wrong, and either dont want to take the punishment, or know that the confession will hurt someone. If in your case, its to avoid confrontation, then perhaps, what you should be thinking about is the things that you do wrong in the first place that you then feel the need to lie about. Perhaps think about why you do these things, and, do you realise whilst your doing it, that you will be hurting others? Do you stop and think before doing something wrong?
I think, we all have choices. I try not to do things that will hurt others, so, in turn, I dont have to lie. We all do and say silly things at times, and its hard to take a look at yourself and say, ive done something im not proud of. Im not sure what sort of things you may do that then cause the confrontations that you lie about. But i hope this has helped a little, and good luck with therapy.

I wish I would have read this a week and a half ago when I dropped the "big confession" on my girlfriend. I wanted to help her through this, and I'm seeking counselling currently, but the more I say or do, the further we have become. Right now, I think the best thing I can do is give her space, but she still means so much to me. We have a long distance relationship, and it should've been a lot easier to come clean with the truth, but I got so comfortable with the lies and the storylines, it was a second nature to me. Now, we're at each other's throats, and I'm searching for myself.

I lied due to low self-esteem about my past. I also decided that it was time I faced what was coming to me. I spilled the absolute truth to her and it seriously blew up. The best I can hope for is insight on how to make a friendship with her again and hope that she can find ways to trust me, even a little bit. But, that will take time and healing.

Thank you for the insight on what it's like on the recieving end, though. It shows me exactly how much it hurts to be lied to and dumped upon. I'm hoping that my light will guide my path through this difficult time of healing for the both of us.

I really want to say thank you for your candid perspective. Whether to confess or not is a really complicated moral dilemma for the confessor and the abused. I want to let you know that your post is helping me to understand my own position from another perspective. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. Thank you so much for offering up your insights from your experience. I'd like you to know that your story is helping me heal. Thank you so much. And please, take care.