i just stumbled across this site today and im so so happy to have found some other people asking for help and direction with this problem. i am always trying to figure out what on earth my problem is; what is it that drives me to LIE all the time?
i am having serious problems with my relationship with my bf cuz i get caught in lies so often it boggles his mind. and mine too! most often my lies come out as sort of a defense mechanism i think. for the sake of not getting into an arguement or even being questioned i start talking, and what comes out is a total lie. even if something wont get me in trouble, i will just say what i think they want to hear at the time.
but then i will do something ridiculous like butt dial the person i just lied to, or forget the lie i told n tell on myself, or leave evidence on my phone for someone to find, and i do it constantly! for a liar, im really lousy at it! i sometimes wonder if subconsciously im actually trying to be honest but cant. i dont know. it makes me feel ridiculous sometimes. acyually, always.
i am diagnosed with ptsd, i have gone thru quite a bit of heavy sexual trauma and other trauma as well, and go thru serious bouts of clinical depression. i am also a drug addict (heroin, primarily) i find that doping myself up takes away my guilt.
however, after years of lying to my father as a child so that i would b accepted n not lectured, or my mother to get money from her for my drug habit, or my boyfriends in my past to prevent them from yelling n screaming or beating me up, or my current bf so he wont keep threatening to leavee me and emotionally n intellectually abusing me, i come up with something quick n sometimes quite stupid sounding just to cover me from what may come. nagging, yelling, fights, all these things bring me to a bad, dark place where i throw fits, o.d., scream, cut myself, become reclusive... its a bad scene.
my problem isnt recognizing that i do this stuff, but figuring out how to stop doing it, and facing my demons. its terrifying to think of totally facing reality... i am also afraid i may have a diagnosis that i have never been given because i would lie to doctors.
i was so glad to find this site, and im looking forward to hearing some feedback. thanx!