Compulsive Lying

I am 45 and been married for 22 years. I have 2 sons, ages 22 and 19. All my life I have lied about everything. I believe it all started with my mom. She was an alcoholic, and they seem to be the best at lying. My earliest memories are of my mother lying about her drinking. She use to try to protect me by hiding my report card and lying too my father. I would sit back and watch this, and I guess I figured that was how you did things. You lied to get out of trouble!
Then I discovered that lying could make you look better than you were. lying built-up my self-esteem.
Now, I have a very low self-esteem, and it's starting to effect my work. Co-workers start to realize that I lie all the time, and then I change jobs. When I start a new job, I always say too myself that it will be different this time. But after a few months, I start with the lying again. Whenever I quit a job, I'm afraid of the confrontation with my wife, and I lie about working. I start taking money out of our savings and putting it into our checking to make it look like I'm getting paid. I've become a real natural at lying. I've found ways to make my lie's look real. If I spent the amount of time and energy into just working, instead of wasting it on all the lies, I know I would be a success.
My wife is at the end of her rope, and I don't blame her! I'm going to see a new shrink, and will have my wife with me for the first couple of visits, because I even lie to the doctors. Jesus...What a mess! I had my wife take out her own savings account, and everyday we check our checking account on-line. It's difficult for her to be checking on me like I'm a child, but I tell her she has to for a while. I'm giving 100 percent to this being the last time I lie to her. I believe that not having open access to our accounts will take away my ability to fool her. Maybe then I will realize I have no other choice but to start telling the truth, and facing confrontations. Maybe this will change the habit.
I'm dedicated to my wife and love her more than she will ever know, and I'm making the biggest effort of my life here to change!
I asked her why she hasn't left me. She said she understands that mental problems are just as real as physical ones. She said that she wouldn't have left me if I had a stroke, so she's there to help in anyway she can. No wonder I love her so much.
Anyway, wish me luck, and I will keep you posted on my recovery...

Mike

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and been married for 22 years. I have 2 sons, ages 22 and 19. All my life I have lied about everything. I believe it all started with my mom. She was an alcoholic, and they seem to be the best at lying. My earliest memories are of my mother lying about her drinking. She use to try to protect me by hiding my report card and lying too my father. I would sit back and watch this, and I guess I figured that was how you did things. You lied to get out of trouble!
Then I discovered that lying could make you look better than you were. lying built-up my self-esteem.
Now, I have a very low self-esteem, and it's starting to effect my work. Co-workers start to realize that I lie all the time, and then I change jobs. When I start a new job, I always say too myself that it will be different this time. But after a few months, I start with the lying again. Whenever I quit a job, I'm afraid of the confrontation with my wife, and I lie about working. I start taking money out of our savings and putting it into our checking to make it look like I'm getting paid. I've become a real natural at lying. I've found ways to make my lie's look real. If I spent the amount of time and energy into just working, instead of wasting it on all the lies, I know I would be a success.
My wife is at the end of her rope, and I don't blame her! I'm going to see a new shrink, and will have my wife with me for the first couple of visits, because I even lie to the doctors. Jesus...What a mess! I had my wife take out her own savings account, and everyday we check our checking account on-line. It's difficult for her to be checking on me like I'm a child, but I tell her she has to for a while. I'm giving 100 percent to this being the last time I lie to her. I believe that not having open access to our accounts will take away my ability to fool her. Maybe then I will realize I have no other choice but to start telling the truth, and facing confrontations. Maybe this will change the habit.
I'm dedicated to my wife and love her more than she will ever know, and I'm making the biggest effort of my life here to change!
I asked her why she hasn't left me. She said she understands that mental problems are just as real as physical ones. She said that she wouldn't have left me if I had a stroke, so she's there to help in anyway she can. No wonder I love her so much.
Anyway, wish me luck, and I will keep you posted on my recovery...

Mike

I have just joined...so, no longer a guest....

Hi everyone!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and been married for 22 years. I have 2 sons, ages 22 and 19. All my life I have lied about everything. I believe it all started with my mom. She was an alcoholic, and they seem to be the best at lying. My earliest memories are of my mother lying about her drinking. She use to try to protect me by hiding my report card and lying too my father. I would sit back and watch this, and I guess I figured that was how you did things. You lied to get out of trouble!
Then I discovered that lying could make you look better than you were. lying built-up my self-esteem.
Now, I have a very low self-esteem, and it's starting to effect my work. Co-workers start to realize that I lie all the time, and then I change jobs. When I start a new job, I always say too myself that it will be different this time. But after a few months, I start with the lying again. Whenever I quit a job, I'm afraid of the confrontation with my wife, and I lie about working. I start taking money out of our savings and putting it into our checking to make it look like I'm getting paid. I've become a real natural at lying. I've found ways to make my lie's look real. If I spent the amount of time and energy into just working, instead of wasting it on all the lies, I know I would be a success.
My wife is at the end of her rope, and I don't blame her! I'm going to see a new shrink, and will have my wife with me for the first couple of visits, because I even lie to the doctors. Jesus...What a mess! I had my wife take out her own savings account, and everyday we check our checking account on-line. It's difficult for her to be checking on me like I'm a child, but I tell her she has to for a while. I'm giving 100 percent to this being the last time I lie to her. I believe that not having open access to our accounts will take away my ability to fool her. Maybe then I will realize I have no other choice but to start telling the truth, and facing confrontations. Maybe this will change the habit.
I'm dedicated to my wife and love her more than she will ever know, and I'm making the biggest effort of my life here to change!
I asked her why she hasn't left me. She said she understands that mental problems are just as real as physical ones. She said that she wouldn't have left me if I had a stroke, so she's there to help in anyway she can. No wonder I love her so much.
Anyway, wish me luck, and I will keep you posted on my recovery...

Mike

I have just joined...so, no longer a guest....

Hi everyone!

Now that I'm logged in: Hi everyone.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 yrs now. I love her, honestly, with all of my heart. I have since the day we got together. Recently, I tried to pick someone else up and didn't tell her about it on a technicality that "nothing happened". She found out that "something" happened, although it wasn't physical, I still lied to her with variations of the truth and blaming the incident on the other person, insinuating that it was her trying to pick me up. Finally, after being backed into a corner, I caved and told her the real truth. It hurt her and damaged our relationship, and we broke up. I am reading self-help books and going to a therapist about the lying and other related issues (I have a "mysterious" weight problem that we could never figure out ... turns out I am a binge-eater and felt I could never be honest with her about it).

We are trying to reconcile and she has been trying to be supportive and even went to my therapy appt, as she realizes that I have a difficult time being honest with my therapist.

Last night, I lied to her again saying that I said something that I didn't say... and even when she told me she KNEW I was lying, I kept up the act... until, once again, I was backed into a corner, and I eventually caved.

Then she wanted me to "volunteer" something (anything) I have lied about. She has always been suspicious of a previous co-worker who claimed she was in love with me, and I always said I had no idea why. I finally admitted that this girl did flirt with me, brought me a souvenier from vacation, would talk poorly about pictures of my girlfriend and the worst was she left a naked picture on my desk. Although nothing ever happened with this girl, I did have lunch with her once and talked on the phone with her a couple of times.

I fear that I have damaged our relationship beyond repair. I have hurt her so badly, she just looks lost and empty inside. She deserves better, and I want to be better. I want to stop lying, once and for all.

Can anyone please help - suggestions? Websites? Books? Anything... I am desparate - she is the love of my life.

Thank you.

O.k. I am 21 years old and I am a compulsive liar. I am married to someone who is also a compulsive liar, except his are more drug related and mine are due to low self-esteem. He is in rehab now recieving help for his drug problem but where does that leave me. I have no idea how to stop myself from lying. I'm terrified to meet new people bcause I know I will lie to them, and if they find out they'll hate me. I can't keep a job because I always lie to my coworkers and bosses and then I panic and quit because I'm afraid they'll find me out. All my lies are building up and it's overwhelming me. When I think about them it's like I can't breathe. I can't afford therapy so I know that's out of the question. If I don't receive help soon though, I will never have a proper, honest life. Please, I am here begging someone at 2:30 a.m. I need an answer, or I might never be able to sleep right....ever.

Right. Does anyone else know how it feels to dig a hole so deep, fill it with lies and throw yourself in it. Yeah, well i cant swim, and im drowning.

Hi, my name is Keri, Im 17 and i'm a compulsive liar.
*welcome*

My whole life is consumed in lies. Everyone in my life i will constantly lie to and it's hard because they know it. They know it and they do nothing to help me, they simply just complain. I dont know, i just feel so wrong. Why cant i be a normal girl who follows her wants and wish's? Why do i have to be the one people say "Na, mate, dont talk to her, she'll only lie. She's nothing of what she says she is!" about?

I think, it's gone beyond what people would normally call a compulsuve liar. This is so bad and depressing and i cant seem to ever stop myself. I unleash a great crapbag full of lies and think "Wait? What... did i just said that? Not again!". I mean it's got so bad im lying so well,( if i do say so myself ... ) that im convincing myself of the lies. If people ask me if im telling the truth i lie: I get an opportunity to redeem myself my admitting the truth and i lie again. I've sworn on peoples lives and futures. Im simply a horrible horrible person who doesnt deserve anyone!

I'm reading all these stories about how people need help with a compulsive liar in their family or they need help with trying to lie less for a family member/partner. But, i have no one

I think theres 2 ways i can look at my compulsive lying and how it started

My friends: I've always had stunning friends, who have been cocky and over confident and i've remained the "small fat one". I've never stood out in a crowd and especially next to my mates. One in paticular bullied me when i was little, (i was about to lie, good thing i've got good ol' backspace) and i've always felt a little intimidated and lower than her. When she says something GOD FORBID i dont listen or pay intrest. But when i say something... she doesnt give a flying ###$. At all, unless it involves her. So i think i started to lie then, so i looked a little interesting. It just started with exagerations really. But, present day, i lie about whole situations, completely random things that never happen. Thats where it started. Of course, life ###$ you over with a little helping of bad luck to fuel the fire.

My family: About 4/5 years ago, my twin was attacked one night. I know it's not her fault and this seems so bad writting it down but ever since then, i wasnt even in the frame. I dont even remember talking to my mum and dad for at least a few months a pop. I'd occasinoally get a look in. I felt so alone and unworthy of love. This isnt in my head by the way. I dont only have unintentional video eveidence but my mum has told me she didnt pay attention to me.

Now my twin is emerged in all this depression, OCD, anorexia, builimia and anxiety disorders that the focus is still on her. Unless i make up elaborate lies for people to be interested?
Of course i had motives at the first but it is hard to intentionally lie to everyone. But i didnt have to worry about that, i was already a compulsive liar by then, i just didnt know it as much.

Instead of me telling the lies, the lies told me.

Now, im just so consumed, alone and scared that im gonna do something i'll regret for the rest of my life.

I know i've gone on and on and on, but i just need to know if anyone has gone through a similar experience?

Can anyone relate to how im feeling?


OH YEAH
has anyone else become rediculosly paranoid that everyone else is lying to them?


PLEASE HELP ME. i need someone just to talk to who knows how it feel first hand?

i really just want to be normal

quacka_keri@hotmail.co.uk

just today i finally excepted that i am in fact a compulsive liar. i hate it. i'm in a relationship and it's been slowing falling apart for a year now because of my lies. most of the time i dont even know i'm lieing it's just habit. that sounds soo horrible. me and my boyfriend are starting to drift further and further apart, because ive soo many times in the past told him id stop. of course i never did it sounds so easy to say "of course ill stop that sholdn't be so hard," but in reality it really is. i feel horrible all the time because everytime im faced with my lies i always end up lieing more and making things so much worse. it's like something in me is keeping me from telling the truth. i want it to stop and i definatly dont want to loose my boyfriend because of this. if anyone has any advice i'd deffinatly appreciate it.

Oh my god I didn't know there was a whole thread on this! Well here we go then. If anyone here can help me, even from either side (I do not judge the problem, only know I can't function in a marriage with it) I would appreciate it! Unfortunately, since I have mild aspergers, I am a pathological truth teller even when it makes me vulnerable. Unfortunately I got married to a woman 2 years ago who seems to have bad problems with lying, but will only admit to having a problem with "excuse making". We only knew each other for about 6 months before we were married and living together, I know that is short. A lot of things would not add up, like when I said I lived in L.A. and had a best friend named Scott there, she asked what he looked like and what music he listened to, and when I told her she said she thinks she saw him at a party. Unlikely, but you never know, maybe true. But then I talked about how I tried to talk to a girl in a record store on a specific street there, and she said she thinks she was there and saw me talking to the girl. Getting more far fetched, but fine... *maybe*.

She used to say she could "feel ghosts" and unfortunately dragged her little 6 year old daughter into "thinking that she could feel ghosts too" just like mommy. When some paper dolls on the wall of her daughters room kept flipping around, probably from air coming in on the side of the blinds on the window, she talked in front of her daughter about how she thought they may have bad energy or be posessed by spirits and she was going to get rid of them if they flipped around anymore. When I explained the simple to see air in the window theory she said "it didnt sound right". 6 months later she had a revelation, that air from the blinds was moving the dolls. Her daughter has shown fear of museums whenever a figure of a human (even fake statues, but especially anything like a mummy) but that is neither here nor there, just disturbing to me, and seemingly parent caused and related to at least white lies.

A parent is supposed to make a kid feel sheltered, not on watch for scary things told to be "real".

Then she asked me if she thought her little girl should see passion of the christ. I resounded with an emphatic no, because I could barely take it! Even in the deep bible belt a poll was done that said 85% of parents questioned didnt think an under 13 year old kid should see it. And she did *ask me*. I answered. Then 3 days later while I was gone, she showed it to her daughter, claiming to have "covered her eyes" during the "15 minutes" (!!!) of violence. Minimizing again, see? 15 minutes? Child abuse in my book, but perfectly legal in the USA to put an 8 year old through if you really *must*.

She will make excuses like "the unemployment office wanted me to have a social security card and I didnt bring it, so I got pissed off and didnt go back", or "there are no jobs around here" or "I signed up for a few jobs online" when we have talked about all the main ways to really get a job and she hasnt done any of them! (signing up at a job center, going to unemployment office, going to nearby places and actually asking for applications) She said she signed up at a temp agency, but cant name the temp agency, but that it is written down somewhere...and temp agencies havent been calling, which is weird because I got a dozen calls when I was signed up at a temp agency and I knew the name of it! (corestaff...that was 10 years ago too).

Other lies include when we met, and I said I wasnt the best with kids unless they are really mellow, telling me her daughter was like a little grown up you "hardly knew was there", when I come to find out she is very ill mannered, rude, pushy, aggressive, lies pathologically about little things, and all of this about 75% of the time (even her mother admits that to me!!!) but she says it all started "when we started going out". Sounds weird to me, but you never know again, I guess. Pretty radical departure though. And I did catch her mom giving her a funny eye when she tried to say her daughter wasnt like that before we met front of her mom, which I thought was funny.

Also she is a pathological hoarder and her daughters room looks like a crappy storage bin 1-2 feet deep, literally. She promised when we met, she would not haul a bunch of junk that was piled up in her room at her parents to our new apartment, but she did. I feel sorry for her daughter living like that for 1 1/2 years solid, in a trash bin. OF course she would say things like "it was a normal room, and that I hadnt been around kids much" when I expressed grave concern and shock at the daughters room.

She promised when we moved in that she would have a reasonable bedtime for her kid, who still goes to sleep an average of 11 - 11:30 and needs to have an hour and a half bedtime routine every night with her mom to get to sleep! More importantly, she has not taken responsibility for her daughters sleep problems (lets her have TV on all night, keeps room messy, starts activities with her at 9 at night etc)

She will say little things and say she didnt say them or "mean them" later, or that I "took it wrong" when I most certainly did not. Stories will change subtly but noticebly, like time frames of events, saying she supported her first serious boyfriend for 2 years, then claiming to not remember saying that and changing to she supported her daughters father for 5 years and that I heard wrong. Telling me I told her to not get a leather skirt at a store, when I had actually told her that it was "cool, you dont see that often, get it!!! its awesome!!!" with enthusiasm while staring right at it. (became a lame argument later that day)

Can someone who lies have a perceptual problem, or mini blackouts in normal mundane tasks of life from some bad past event???????? or what? and how do I trust someone, no matter how sweet in other ways, if they dont remember important agreements, life altering conversations about goals and plans, and seems to rewrite events (maybe not knowing consciously?) to fit their own agenda? I can only trust people who are honest all they way through so this sucks.

And then add 50 more little and big lies and distortions (I have a notebook of them) that take too long to explain. But seriously, what is this? I am down $8,000 not to help a crippled wife, or to give her a hand at getting a degree at college, but down $800 for nothing, for excuses. And I am on disability (my wife calls it free money when she is trying to excuse not working). She has minimized my money drain nearly every time we talk about it. The nerve is crazy, I would never treat anyone like this. All I know is that this sucks, and it won't improve until I am moved out in a month and she moves back to her parents since we are separating now. And this hurts so much because I have nobody to talk to, and she acts like I am crazy to complain if I try to talk to her. And the trick is that she is "nice" and "mellow" and "doesnt cheat on me with other men" so it is hard to get anyone to understand why I feel like I have been treated like dirt with "just" lies and deception that drained my meager life savings.

I feel sad and deceived, and all of my sleep, depression and fatigue problems that I am on disability for are so much worse after 2 years of this. I feel like I am with an emotional vampire who doesnt realize that they are an emotional vampire, and I actually feel very sorry for her but what can I do with no honest communication? Its like a freaking table with no legs!

CAN THIS BE FIXED? I wish i knew. *sigh*

Crash50t wrote:I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 yrs now. I love her, honestly, with all of my heart. I have since the day we got together. Recently, I tried to pick someone else up and didn't tell her about it on a technicality that "nothing happened". She found out that "something" happened, although it wasn't physical, I still lied to her with variations of the truth and blaming the incident on the other person, insinuating that it was her trying to pick me up. Finally, after being backed into a corner, I caved and told her the real truth. It hurt her and damaged our relationship, and we broke up.
...
I fear that I have damaged our relationship beyond repair. I have hurt her so badly, she just looks lost and empty inside. She deserves better, and I want to be better. I want to stop lying, once and for all.

Can anyone please help - suggestions? Websites? Books? Anything... I am desparate - she is the love of my life.

I sit in the exact same position as you. Although my relationship hasn't been as long as yours, what you have described is exactly the same thing I have done my entire life. Including the reason for ruining a great deal of relationships. How you mention you story with the lying about "nothing happened" is very similar to mine. I wasn't so much as trying to hook-up but I was covering up hidden desires (which I'm discussing in another post).

Lying is horrible. I did it over everyday things. Even things where it wouldn't matter if I told the truth or lied, I'd still lie. After two months of continuing a major lie with my girlfriend I decided that I had to tell her. I knew that she would leave me but I still did it anyway. I figured that if I want to spend my life with her she deserves to know the truth about what happened.

The day after she left I purchased a document titled "Infidelity Crisis - How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair." This was THE BEST possible article I could have read at the time. I used the document along with two sessions of counseling a week to get me on track. I have also read some of Gary Chapman's books and found them very helpful, they give an additional insight into your partner. Furthermore, through counseling we found that my reasoning for cheating was to gain power. Due to low self-esteem and constantly imploding all my anger I felt like my girlfriend was always in charge, and I wanted to feel that power of leading. We also found that I lacked a great deal of assertiveness, to combat this I have purchased "When I say no, I feel guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. I haven't had a chance to read it yet but the cover explained my feelings perfectly. I was also sexually abused as a young child and that incident has affected me throughout my life without me realizing. The main advice I can give is read, and read lots. Then do everything the books say, find what works for you then stick with it.

My girlfriend and I are back together now and she is supporting me through this entire process. I made the promise to her to always be honest and tell the truth, it amazes and embarrasses me as to how much I lied in the past. There are countless things she has asked about and I realize now that I have lied to her about it. The point here is, you can change. It's f#####g hard! I am not trying to say it's easy but never give up.

I had lied over everything for six years. I am so conscious over everything I say that I won't allow myself to lie anymore (aside a white lie every five days). It's been four days since I last told a white lie and 18 days since I begun telling the truth and being honest. I allow myself one white lie every five days, simple things that I know won't have an impact on my life and with the condition that it can't be told to my girlfriend, close friends or counselor.

I hope I can help you, even a little. I was a compulsive lair. I am going through the counseling and therapy at the moment to kick the addiction. It's true that lying sucks, no on will argue that. I felt empty and alone after lying. I have a loving girlfriend who left me (we are back together now) yet I couldn't help but lie to her.

The section of yours that stood out for me was:

Pendragon wrote:Can someone who lies have a perceptual problem, or mini blackouts in normal mundane tasks of life from some bad past event???????? or what? and how do I trust someone, no matter how sweet in other ways, if they dont remember important agreements, life altering conversations about goals and plans, and seems to rewrite events (maybe not knowing consciously?) to fit their own agenda?

I did this a lot. I simply couldn't remember conversations we had. I couldn't remember what I had actually said. I told lies without knowing. It was all to fit my agenda, as you mention. My reasoning's for lying stemmed from a number of areas but mainly to avoid conflict. Perhaps this is why she is constantly lying to you.

You say that she doesn't cheat on you with other men. I don't mean to scare you but from much of what I have read it is one of the most common things to lie about. Even worse, for a compulsive liar to admit they cheated on a partner is huge, especially if they have a fear of confrontation like I did. Admitting to my girlfriend that I was unfaithful to her was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Much of my lying came from events that had happened earlier in my life. I was lead to believe that I was a horrible person and my way to cover that up was lying. I constantly lied about what had happened to me as a child and became used to the lying. One of the biggest things for me was admitting that I had a problem. At first I couldn't say I was a liar, I would use the term 'manipulated the truth'. It didn't sound as harsh and it was easier to admit this way.

If you haven't given up yet I would suggest couples counseling. Read articles, there is a website called truthsaboutdeception that I found useful as well. Don't use harsh labels at first, the example of manipulating the truth sat really well with me until I could really admit what I was doing, it's worth a try.

So the answer to your question is, yes it can be fixed. I am on this website posting for other reasons and stumbled onto this topic. I used to be a compulsive liar, and I thought I may be able to help some other people. I am walking, talking, living, breathing proof that you can stop lying.