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LYING- is this relationship worth saving, is there hope?

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LYING- is this relationship worth saving, is there hope?

Postby Guest » Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:42 pm

I have been in a relationship with this man for 4 1/2 years. The relationship started without a good foundation. We met while I was still married. I was going thru a very difficult time in my marriage and with myself. This guy showed up in my life when I was at my very lowest emotionally. Looking back, I believed we were brought together because of our emotional baggage that needed healing. Anyway as my marriage was failing I was running to him for my emotional needs. For a very long time we were just plotonic friends. I can only speak for myself but I felt a very strong emotional conection to him. I fought off the feelings, for a very long time, of wanting this relationship to become more. I felt a strong love for him. I lost my will and the relationship crossed the line and became an affair. I had a very difficult time dealing with this affair because this was not part of my belief system or morals. It helped me in ending a marriage that was not supportitive. He was there for me thru a difficult personal health issue and death of my father. I am truley gratful for his support. We have always had a roll a coster relationship. When we connect, things are awesome we are like soulmates. Then we have times when he feels he has to lie and we hit rock bottom. This is the point that the relationship is at now. I have found god and am getting the healing I need, making peace with my past and understanding what happened. I want to start over and build this relationship the right way. He says that he also wants this but then here comes the lies, even about stupid stuff. His lying goes back to his childhood and family. His father is also a liar. We have talked about this lying and he knows how it effects the relationship and what it does to me. I am at the point now that I can honestly say that I love him very much and want to be with him and try to make this relationship work but I am getting strong and pulling away because of his lying behaviors. I know he is not cheating on me. His lying is to avoid confrontation or disapointment that he will get from me, or because he wants something or to do something that he knows I will not approve of. I feel that he is still behaving or acting out his childhood in a way, almost like I am the mother figure. I just can't let go of all the good memories that this relations brought. I have grown emotionally because of the relationship and I don't want it over. I want to help him change or have the tools available to him so he can change if he wants too. I need to do this for me. If I have done all I can to help him and he does not want the help then in my heart I can truely walk away knowing I did everything I could. I am a fighter and I don't give up easily. I am still healing myself and getting stronger so my focus is not just on him. He was there for me when I needed him so I would like to be there for him. Please give me your advise. Should I pull away altogether. I have not spoken to him for 4 days now. I have left a few voicemails on his cell phone which he has not responded to. Usually when this situation happens, he lies, I catch him and confront him, he denies and sometimes runs, I can't stand the silence and unresolved issue so I call or beg him to come back and we will start over and work on the issues, almost like pushing the lying under the rug. This time is different because I am getting the support system from my christian friends to stay at bay, but it is still unresolved and it hurts.


Postby Guest » Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:34 pm

I have been in exactly the same place as you, and my relationship started pretty much the same.
If he has been lying most of his life, then he needs professional help to stop this behaviour. You will never have peace of mind in this relationship without trust. Lack of trust destroys relationships. You will spend your time questioning everything. I understand how you feel so connected to this man, and the fact that he has been able to open up to you about his problems also makes the connection feel stronger. But you cannot help him, he must decide to help himself. You may be able to sweep the lies under the rug for a while, but soon the rug will have so much stuff under it, it will all come tumbling out. At this time, i would suggest looking after yourself and keep close the support you have. If he really wants to change his life for the better, he will be prepared to seek proper help. He will probably put every excuse in the way not to do it, finances, lack of time, shame. The stories on this forum all have a familiar ring, alot of women (and men) like us, trying to have faith that things will change, and giving the CL's chance after chance, with their peace of mind totally eroded, but reading the stories, its a very hard behaviour to shake, and the few sucess stories have been put up on here, those that have been, the lucky few who accept they have problems and seek proper help. Youre story is so close to mine, the same events and feelings. I am still holding on, and in some ways am now very switched off to the situation, and hopefully my b/f is now weeks away from getting the help he needs, I just hope that in the longer term, it works, as there is nothing else left to try. I have had 8 months of one excuse after another, and, he even lied and said he had been going to therapy - once again i believed him and we got back together to find its more lies. This time, the only way i will believe it, is if i attend as well! I have been where you are many times, to be back there again many more. I wish you luck for the future.

Postby Guest » Wed Apr 13, 2005 1:26 am

Thanks for your advise, its nice to know that there are others out there that care and are going thru simular situations. If you would like to email me please feel free to email me at: allibye2@msn.com

Postby guest » Wed Apr 13, 2005 3:52 pm

Alibye 2 - the mail may be a long one, is that ok?

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