How to deal with a compulsive liar

Someone i have known for 3 years has developed into a chronic liar. I think they probably lied from day one and its something they have always done, but it only became evident to me in the last 6 months.
I had a relationship with them and although we no longer are an item he is desperate for me to stay friends. I am very fond of him and so much want to help but i just don’t know how to respond to the lies anymore.
The lies are about all sorts of things. He told me his daughter was living with him, he told he had a terminal illness, he told me he was working abroad 3 days a week, he told me he had bought part of a business. Some of the lies were to cover up another relationship which i can see is something men do, but now the lies are just so random and he has no need to lie to me anymore as I am just a friend.

I now know instantly when he tells them. Silly things like where he has been, things he has done or is going to do. If i ring him sometimes he will tell me he is at a party or visiting someone in another city. I notice he lies more when he has been drinking.

Everyday life gets him down and I do believe he has battled with his feeling for me. Work and pressure seem to get to him, or people and family he finds hard to cope with. Things in his past life have clearly effected him and he feels he has been hurt and he often told me he can't trust anyone. He used to shut himself away a lot but in the last year has now turned to drink- social drinking.

There is no way he would admit he needs counselling or help- despite the fact i talk opening about counselling i have had.

Can someone tell me how to react to lies- if i accuse him of lying he gets all worked up and i don’t want that to happen. How can i help him- or how I can be a good friend to him and show my support?

Hi,

I think that the best thing to do is not to accuse him of lying when he does it. instead, all you should do is walk away. This will eventually make him learn that his lies are not welcome and that people are not willing to tolerate them. Granted, this could be a psychological disorder on his part, but that's not for you to worry about. You have to take care of yourself first, and I sense that his lies are upsetting you.

If you really would like to help him, then give him some print-outs on compulsive lying and its symptoms. He will read them in his own time - guaranteed.


Kevin
Kevin

You don't. Confrontation will just set them off and it could blow up in your face. Until they are ready to get professional help and change this behaviour, there's nothing to be done for them. We can't change other people, just our reactions(or lack thereof) to them.

That's somewhat an extreme approach to use, but it could be difficult in the case where the two people involved are married or in a serious relationship. Still, this 'no tolerance' approach is one I take with just about everything in life, and I feel much more in control now than I did when I let assholes/liars/cheats into my life all of the time.

Kevin

Extreme perhaps, but I fail to grasp how anyone can maintain a healthy relationship with anyone who is this sick, and it could be just one symptom in countless destructive mental illnesses.

i was married for a long time to someone just like that, he is still this way. it took me about three years to realize it was even happening. it seemed to get worse after i figured it out.
in the marriage i had to adopt the "ok" policy and walk away knowing i didn't buy one word of anything he said. this kept the peace until i got out. there were kids involved though so the contact had to continue....
after we divorced i let him have it every time he lied, which led to him standing in my yard in front of my window at 3 a.m. waiting for me to look out so he could mouth the words "i'm not lying".
it took a couple years of similar behavior (from me) before i finally realized that he is who he is and i can't change that. and that he deserves his faults as well as i have mine.
these days, i simply listen and revert to the "ok" policy, walking away knowing i didn't buy one word of anything he said....
full circle.
yep.

This person needs seek help and start to tell the truth. Most people get caught up in their own lies and then they feel that they have to continue to lie.

I suggest trying to talk to the person, but there is a possibilty that it might go wrong.

Hi Helpinghands,

I've had a similar story to yours, except for the fact that I was involved with a man for several months, not as long as you have, but I hope this story helps.

This guy lied non-stop. I got involved with him and he was living with his girlfriend, who he said he was in the process of breaking up with. He told me your typical stories such as he hadn't had sex with her in 5, 6, 7 months (the numbers kept changing each time he told them), he slept on the couch, etc etc. Well, the usual things to get a gullible female such as myself in bed.

He told other stories, as well. At first, I thought he was just exaggerating stories to impress me, but the stories got more and more incredible, such as the one where he was incarcerated by accident in Syria and had to do a job interview on the phone from jail...

I think he just wanted to have an affair, but it got out of hands when I just wouldn't put up with him being involved with me when he was still with someone else. I tried to break it completely off several times, but he claimed again and again that he needed me, he was in love with me, but his circumstances were very difficult, etc, etc. I have a soft spot for broken people, so I thought I could help "fix" him, so I took him back.

The last elaborate lie he told me was that his girlfriend was pregnant of 2 months by him ("so, how long was it since you last had sex with her again?"), so we couldn't be lovers anymore, since he wanted to give his relationship a chance. This could well have been true but, given his past history, I really doubt it. I think he was just trying to get rid of our relationship because he couldn't stand the guilt of what he was doing to his woman and wanted me to think of him as someone who was doing "the right thing".

Well, now this catch of a man wants me to be his good friend and stick by him in these difficult times. I walked away from such a poison in my life. I'll let his poor girlfriend deal with him.

What I'm trying to say is DO NOT BE THERE FOR HIM! He needs someone who enables him, he is seeking your attention just for his own ego, someone who cares for him and is always there because he is too afraid of who he really is (hence, all the lying to cover his inadequate self up). The only thing that you sticking by him will lead to is that your self-esteem will go below zero, you'll be hurt by all his constant lying, never knowing what's true and what isn't and going nuts, while he will be feeling great.

You shouldn't try to understand why he lies, since that will weaken your resolve to walk away from the situation because you'll start feeling sorry for him. Whatever reasons he has to be lying (personality disorders, bad childhood, etc) that's his problem, not yours. If he wants to be helped and change, he should seek professional help.

I hope this helps some. At least you know you're not alone in your story and you shouldn't feel stupid because you believed him. I was also suckered in by the lies! And so have many, many victims of compulsive liars.

Hi Helpinghands
Like you, ive always been a bit of a sucker for those in need.

I have to suggest to you its a fruitless exercise.
As someone else said, he wont change and he wont get help. You are clearly already frustrated but this is not yours to fix.
I spent many years with a man like this. It was an endless rocky road. He had lots of issues but the lying was one of the ones i struggled with the most.
He did attend counselling for a short time, although they wanted to do it far more intensively, but he soon gave up. I stayed and stayed clinging on to hope that showing this guy how relationships could be would make him an honest man.
He doesn’t know even now what big a part his lies have played in our breakup. I haven’t even mentioned it as a reason for us ending, because there is no point, i have told him over and over and he continues. For what ever reason, he would do or say something hurtful, and then either lie to make himself look better, or just completely deny the conversation ever happened. Nothing ever got resolved, because this just meant we could never work through the problems or hurt. If it wasn’t for the fact that i am strong minded I would have become a complete basket case thinking that i was imagining and hearing things. Eventually what i realised was, we shouldn’t have been having to work through the problem he’d lied about anyway, or the conversation he’d once again denied, as these we also stupid, hurtful things where he just didn’t seem to understand his selfishness or how relationships work. The saddest part is, is that he really believed he was a good boyfriend/Partner.
At the end i got so bored of having to say yes you did say (insert hurtful or cruel comment) over and over or at times when i had more energy, spend hours trying to get to first that i knew he lied, then why he lied and then get to why he actually did the stupid thing that he then lied about in the first place – what a waste of ones life and time. There are far easier relationships to be had out there. There is no relationship that can be had with someone who cant be honest, it only hurts you. I ended up feeling drained, betrayed, hurt, confused and felt like my life had been a fog for those years. The worst part is that i got to the point of being used to being lied to, and i realised that i wasn’t, as he often said, demanding, for expecting an honest relationship where we could talk through issues.
He is a mess, and he is alone in his life as i think people have been pushed away by his issues that he just doesn’t recognise. At one point i thought i would be in it for the long haul, faults and all, but to do that would have put myself into a lifetime of torture, uneasiness and unhappiness.
If you want to stay friends with this person, then it can only really be acquaintance. Friends don’t lie to each other and remember that this energy that you are giving this person is probably like shouting in the wind. If you are prepared to waste energy on something that you cannot solve, then that is fine. Personally, I find that life and time goes by too quick as it is.

I have a real issue with cronic liars, compulsive liars,

it has all started with my mom...she is an alcoholic and she is a liar, she makes storys up I have even seen my dad call he out on some of them...

next is my brother... not quite sure what type he is but he makes up stories as well... with these really elaborate details in them... they are almost comical, but is is embarassing because we are in a family business together. and i often hear these stories and i can't call him out infront of customers....

next is his wife, she is a passive aggressive liar, she makes stuff to suit her adgenda it is strange the longer they are together the worse she has become. she woks with us too.

I am not delairing my perfection by any means but because of this I am very aware of lies...

does anyone have any advice?