New here, old liar.

Ok, I have a question for you all.

Do you avoid certain conversations/subjects that you know you will be moved to lie in?

For me it's conversations that someones story sounds exaggerated, I'm compelled to do the same , not to try and top the others tale, but make mine funnier.

Apparently I lied to my wife last night, I stopped by a friends last night to pick something up, and was there longer than I had said I was.
I didn't pay attention to the clock as to when I got there or when I left, I said I was there for a few minutes, I was there over an hour.
she tracks my phone, that's how she knows.

Today was better. I just worked hard. I'm also putting the finishing touches on our trip to Vegas for out 20th anniversary. We went to Vegas for her bday and I screwed it up, this trip will be much better.

Checking in with my own thread. It's been tough, I've been slipping on commitments to my wife. I get so frustrated and want to scream and yell. It seem like I cant do anything right, if I tell her I'm taking out the trash and get side tract.. I lied to her because I didn't do it. Everything I say I'm going to do is a lie if it doesn't get done.
I got frustrated at her the other day and snapped hat her. I was so angry I thought it wouldn't do me any good to run into something, my car has an airbag..

Hey Jim - sounds rough. Hope things have improved since Monday.

I've had similar struggles with my wife - sometimes I feel like her definition of lying is too broad... Like the trash example you described. Or if I changed my mind about something - that shouldn't mean I was lying when I had my original position.

What it boils down to, for her, and maybe for your wife too is that she wants to be able to count on me. If I say I'll take out the trash, can she count on me doing it?

All the smaller things have become an issue because of the big lies. I dug myself a deep hole, and now I'm trying to climb out of it. It takes a lot.

When I screw up, the conflict escalates when I get defensive, or try to make excuses, or even to explain myself. I think everything sounds like an excuse to her, at this point. But it goes better if I say "Honey, you're absolutely right. I said I'd take out the trash, and I didn't. I'm so sorry." Or if I've changed my mind about something: "I know I said X before. I wanted to tell you: I've changed my mind, and now I think Y."

The "formula" works best if I acknowledge whatever it is I said before that gave rise to the problem (i.e. the promise to take out the trash).

It always goes better if I'm the one who brings it up: "I just remembered. I said I'd take out the trash, but I got distracted. I'll go do it now."

Hope some of this helps.

It's been a little bit better this week.
, mostly because I haven't made any commitment to her. I do have one standing commitment to do some reading, I have been slacking on it, I don't get a lot of sleep lately and by the time I'm ready for bed I'm exhausted and reading is not hi on my list,
not trying to make excuses, I just need to do it.
I agree about your wife wants to be able to depend on you, it's the same thing here, and sometimes I think she has standards that are just unrealistic, almost to the point that it seems I will always be setting up myself to fail, playing into her hand so to speak, then when I fail, the berating begins... I can't trust you, I can't depend on you, you're not changing... And the list goes on.
I'm home in socal this weekend, sleeping in separate rooms. She's worn out from camping last weekend and frustrated with me for some reason. I'm afraid of asking what the frustration is, I know I'll just get beat over the head with it somehow.
she asked me once why I stopped talking to her about what was going on inside of me, I told her that she usually will take what I say and use it against me.
it's hard to be honest when you seem to constantly get your leg stuck in the bear trap for what you say or do.

Hey Jim -
It's a tough balance. On the one hand, you choose her and to some extent, that means you have to live with her definitions. On the other hand, you can't just "give in" silently whenever you bump up against something that feels unfair. I have the same issue.

Here's my totally unsolicited advice. It's actually advice to myself, which I'm going to type out here at length for my own benefit. Feel free to take it or leave it.

1. Talk about it when you're not already fighting. Start by telling her that you have a difficult topic, that you want to remain connected throughout the conversation. Maybe set up some ground rules - or ask her to agree that she won't interrupt until you're done, or that you can both take breaks when it's tough.

Tell her (again) that honesty and reliability are important to you (and that you know they're important to her). Then explain your dilemma - that you want to be true to yourself and honest with her, but that you can't always agree with her definition of what that means. If you pretended to agree, that would be dishonest, and you would become resentful. You can ask for some kind of accommodation - just know that she doesn't have to give it to you. Maybe she can't right now, but will consider it in the future.

2. Take steps to make yourself more reliable. Here are things I've done. I find I have to change strategies every so often bc I start to get used to them and they no longer serve as reminders.

If I agree to do something (or to bring up a topic) I write myself a note of some kind. Post it note. Note on the computer. Note on the calendar. Note on my phone's "reminder" program. Scheduled reminder via google inbox.

If I realize I blew off something, I try to have the courage to bring it up, even though it will disappoint her. "I just realized I forgot to take out the trash. I know I promised to do it. I'll do it when we get home."

3. Come up with various formulas for having difficult conversation. My wife wants me to preface with the kind of remarks I put in #1, above. She rolls her eyes when I do it, and is impatient for me to get to the topic. But the conversation goes more smoothly, so I try to put up with that. (Although I have complained).

Ok - those are my thoughts.
Anyone else on this forum have thoughts for Jim the Liar?
HF

HF,
Thanks for the tips! I'm using them and working on what fits in my routine.
When I finally got to the point that I began my path to fixing my lying, I knew that I wanted to stop, but was struggling with a plan, for me it was the "can't see thw trees from the forest" thing, knowing what I wanted but not sure how to get there. The more I come here the more I can use in my daily life, I still take it moment to moment.

Hello, I was just wondering how you and your wife are doing now. I don't judge you or anything at all like that, and it kind of breaks my heart knowing that some people out there aren't comfortable enough in their own skin so they feel as though they have to lie.