Thanks so much for your response, Billi. I "get it" now. It's funny how just the phrasing of a sentence or one analogy over another can help different people understand. In this case, the blanket comparison worked for me in understanding on both a physical and emotional level what you meant by the addict doesn't feel safe with the truth as he does with lying. I thought of cozying up under warm blanket when it's cold in the house during the winter and how literal warmth makes one feel safe. It's a basic biological need. So, if lies have become emotional blankets to the liar then being without them (ie, being instead with the truth) makes them feel as I do without a blanket or w/out warm clothing when I go outside in the winter.
I haven't been on the forum in a very long while (BTW, I posted last night, pressed "reply" but for some reason it didn't post.) I came here many moons ago looking to see if John.Ramon had posted and I saw that he had in 2012, but nothing after that. Speaking of "blankets"....I have a warm feeling speaking of John.Ramon. He helped me understand many things and I think the people who come here, brave enough to bare themselves and share their pain, are so helpful to others, even those of us w/out the addiction. He gave me the strength I needed to finally approach my friend Ted and I will forever be grateful.
You asked about Ted. He's doing sooo well. Yes, indeed, he does still tug his ear, but he rarely has to do it anymore and when he does, it's because he was only "tempted" to lie or to add some yeast to something he had said, not because he actually lied. Not too long after my conversations here with John Ramon, Ted and I talked some more, with him opening up a bit about his problem. I did learn that there had been some family turmoil when he was young and he traced the beginning of his big whoppers to when his dad left the family. Ted understood that he needed to seek steady help, and I told him about this site. That is when he told me he knew he had to get professional help and he found a therapist that he's been with ever since. While his sessions are not as frequent as they were when he first began going, I know he sees the counselor on a regular basis. I don't ask him about his session, of course. I simply see the results and they are GOOD.
AND, guess what? Ted now has a wonderful woman in his life. She is a great person and they are so happy. She knows of his past problem (and the few slips he's had). If all goes well, I believe that by next summer they'll be married and I believe she is in on some of the sessions.
I hope John R. will find this post. JOHN R....if you are out there, know that I think of you often and so very fondly, and I pray you are doing well. You can't believe how much I honor what you have done for me...you allowed me to help a friend so that we could keep a friendship, and in doing that you helped him, a stranger.
Thank you so much for all your help. Keep the faith and know someone is pulling for you.
I loved your posts, Billi--very helpful. Keep up your wonderful work.