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The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby Secret_Cat » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:51 pm

Thank you very much for that! My boyfriend is a lying addict, which is very trying to deal with, and I feel like this helped me understand it much more. =]
23 year old in 5th-year of college. Multiple disorders. On Lamictal, 300mg.

"If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across." — Mercedes Lackey
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby White Shepard » Tue Aug 13, 2013 1:51 am

You know, I came to the realization only about a week ago. I know that I've been lying and for a long time. I had no intention of changing that course of action. I felt it was the best thing to do. As described in your main article here, I'd say it was a combination of Self-Esteem issues and avoiding confrontation. It all sort of imploded on me a week ago. My girlfriend caught me in a few big ones, before and I of course told her I wouldn't do it again. (Which was a lie.) In all honesty, I do want to change. Therapy is in my near future and I just want to get rid of this. I don't like the feeling that I have to lie to people anymore. At first I doubted that I could ever get better, that I was destined to be a liar. I look back at my life and it is hard to tell what really happened and what didn't. She would ask me questions like "What have you lied about?" or "Just tell me what is true." and "Why do you feel the need to lie all the time?" All of which, I simply have had no answer for. I regret ever meeting her at times, because all I've done is cause her pain. When all I wanted was for her to love me, which now is far out of reach.

I simply can not express how much I have grown to hate myself and wish that I could just fix it with a snap of my fingers or have some sort of surgery, take some sort of pill or even sow my mouth shut. I don't know what to do, other than what is set in motion but I can honestly say, that while I have the need and want to make others happy. I can't go on, being miserable and afraid any longer. I know I've been selfish in telling the many lies I have over the years but I can say that for the first time, I'm going to use that selfishness to make me, a better me. It is going to be hard and I'm just glad I found this forums to help as some sort of outlet or home support, outside of my therapy.
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby Billi Caine » Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:16 am

Hi White Shepard,
Your suffering and authenticity shone through your post and it was a bittersweet experience reading it as on the one hand you are acknowledging the consequences of your lying addiction and on the other you have that real honest and genuine desire to change. I love the beauty of that "needing to surrender" place you are in. It oozes humility which is - to me - the most beautiful of all states to witness.

The recovery movement has a phrase for the space you are in - it's called the "jumping off place" which means you are at a stalemate within your addiction - neither no longer able to live with your addiction nor able to live without it. Have no fear though because that is exactly where an addict HAS to be if they are to recover. Have you read the post I did on "How to Stop Lying"? Here it is if not...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

Welcome to Recovery.
Big Hug,
Billi Caine

-- Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:18 am --

Hi Bipolar Girl,
I am so pleased the post helped. The loved ones of lying addicts have a crazy making time coping with the twilight zone they are living in and, in my opinion, need as much help and support as the lying addict themselves.

Big Hug,
Billi
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby ThatAddictGirl » Sun Sep 01, 2013 10:06 pm

This fully hit the bone with me, because I know I lie for attention and because I feel control. When I lack control or stability in my life, I lie. I don't like that one person is getting more attention, I lie because lying seems to help me get what I feel I need. It's a jealousy thing. If someone is going through something worse, I lie to make it seem like I am worse, and yet so strong. Every one I have lied to says I am so strong in my life and that I am a strong person although I often cry and lose it in front of them because I am ashamed I am lying and they feel remorse for me. And part of me hates that they see something I don't.
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby claudette » Fri Oct 04, 2013 5:43 am

Thanks so much for the great education on this topic.

I don't really grasp the explanation you used in you explanation of the lies that "just pop out" when they could just have easily stated the truth with no consequences. You said that the addict who lies by saying he had "cereal" instead of "toast" or that he had a "4 year old boy" instead of "two year old girl" does so because the truth is "not safe."

I can understand the lying addict making up stories that make him feel more exciting, smarter, more successful, etc. because those lies make him more likely to feel "safe" when he feels others expect him or want him to be exciting, smart, successful, etc.

However, I don't grasp how the simple, stupid kind of lie that pops out makes him feel safe. I know you say the lie is like the bottle of alcohol to the alcoholic but indeed does saying a lie like "toast" instead of the truth, "cereal" actually a security blanket? I don't get it either emotionally or intellectually. Perhaps you can offer another example or explanation for "safe."

Thanks so much.
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby Billi Caine » Fri Oct 04, 2013 10:15 am

Hi Claudette,
It was great seeing your name on this thread! Your long interaction with John Ramon way back was so helpful to me in the very early days of my studying lying addiction and I thank you for the considered and genuinely supportive contribution you gave to this forum in relation to your colleagues lying. Reading that long interaction with John Ramon was the highlight for me of many many months of trawling through over 10 years of posts on this forum as it was balanced and had great compassion in it - unlike many of the other posts which kept disturbing me due to the sheer amount of bullying I kept witnessing directed towards the lying addicts on this forum.

How is your colleague? Do you still have signals between you for when he lies? I would love an update!

In relation to your question... Lying is the addiction (of course) in lying addicts so to lie is the equivalent of taking a drink for an alcoholic; gambling for the gambler; taking the pill or the shot for the dry drug addict, eating for the food addict, watching pornography for the pornography addict etc. When lying addicts lie, as with all addicts, they get a hit of dopamine. Dopamine promises addicts warmth so telling the truth leaves them the opposite - raw, cold and "exposed" just as life for any active addict without their drug leaves them exposed and in an unsafe world. When the warm blanket of the drug (any drug for any type of addict) is there to "protect" them, then they feel safe. In the end, the truth feels like lies to the lying addict and lies like truth as it is the lies that make them feel safer due to the warmth their addiction gives them through dopamine.

If you can view lying addiction in exactly the same way you view what it feels like for ANY addict, then maybe you can begin to understand why lying addicts feel unsafe.

I am not sure if this helps you understand it any better. Trying to explain what addiction feels like to a non-addict can be tricky.

Thanks again for your help back then.
Warmest,
Billi
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby claudette » Sun Oct 06, 2013 5:31 am

Thanks so much for your response, Billi. I "get it" now. It's funny how just the phrasing of a sentence or one analogy over another can help different people understand. In this case, the blanket comparison worked for me in understanding on both a physical and emotional level what you meant by the addict doesn't feel safe with the truth as he does with lying. I thought of cozying up under warm blanket when it's cold in the house during the winter and how literal warmth makes one feel safe. It's a basic biological need. So, if lies have become emotional blankets to the liar then being without them (ie, being instead with the truth) makes them feel as I do without a blanket or w/out warm clothing when I go outside in the winter.

I haven't been on the forum in a very long while (BTW, I posted last night, pressed "reply" but for some reason it didn't post.) I came here many moons ago looking to see if John.Ramon had posted and I saw that he had in 2012, but nothing after that. Speaking of "blankets"....I have a warm feeling speaking of John.Ramon. He helped me understand many things and I think the people who come here, brave enough to bare themselves and share their pain, are so helpful to others, even those of us w/out the addiction. He gave me the strength I needed to finally approach my friend Ted and I will forever be grateful.

You asked about Ted. He's doing sooo well. Yes, indeed, he does still tug his ear, but he rarely has to do it anymore and when he does, it's because he was only "tempted" to lie or to add some yeast to something he had said, not because he actually lied. Not too long after my conversations here with John Ramon, Ted and I talked some more, with him opening up a bit about his problem. I did learn that there had been some family turmoil when he was young and he traced the beginning of his big whoppers to when his dad left the family. Ted understood that he needed to seek steady help, and I told him about this site. That is when he told me he knew he had to get professional help and he found a therapist that he's been with ever since. While his sessions are not as frequent as they were when he first began going, I know he sees the counselor on a regular basis. I don't ask him about his session, of course. I simply see the results and they are GOOD.

AND, guess what? Ted now has a wonderful woman in his life. She is a great person and they are so happy. She knows of his past problem (and the few slips he's had). If all goes well, I believe that by next summer they'll be married and I believe she is in on some of the sessions.

I hope John R. will find this post. JOHN R....if you are out there, know that I think of you often and so very fondly, and I pray you are doing well. You can't believe how much I honor what you have done for me...you allowed me to help a friend so that we could keep a friendship, and in doing that you helped him, a stranger.

Thank you so much for all your help. Keep the faith and know someone is pulling for you.

I loved your posts, Billi--very helpful. Keep up your wonderful work.
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby Billi Caine » Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:29 am

I am so glad you understand now. You worked so hard way back trying to understand Ted and your questions were the ones I had too and which helped me join the dots of lying addiction. I remember you asking John how Ted feels when he froze after being found out in his lies (what he was thinking etc) and that was a question that had me stumped too for a long while until further posts on this and other forums solved the puzzle. He was frozen in shame. His world had just caved in.

I am just so thrilled with the progress Ted has made. That is astounding. My heart sang when I read your words as I know how much suffering he (and you) was enduring when Ted's lies were at their worst. It saddened me that work colleagues mocked him too. To now think though that he is having a normal life with a wonderful woman is just incredible news which has made my day. I remember you saying back then how talented he was outside of his lying so to now know he is freer to be all he can be is just such great news. Thanks so much for sharing that update with me Claudette. I hope you know that you was the catalyst that began his miraculous recovery. He is a lucky man to have you in his life.
Lying is an addiction not a moral issue
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby Billi Caine » Tue Dec 24, 2013 5:47 pm

For all those suffering over the Xmas period with a compulsion and addiction to lying, please read this post which will explain to you fully why you lie. Go easy on yourselves if you can. Lying is an addiction not a moral issue.
Lying is an addiction not a moral issue
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Re: The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Postby dearyme » Thu Feb 06, 2014 2:46 pm

This list was definitely an eye-opener.
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