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Daughter of a Child Molester

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Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby smflottemesch » Thu May 26, 2011 4:21 pm

This is the first time I have been on a forum. This is the first time I seeking help. Maybe not help but for someone who has experienced what I have. So here it goes.

I am the daughter of a child molester. My father did not molest me but he was convicted of molesting a young boy when I was 5 (I am now 26). I recently was confided in that he molested a male cousin of mine for most of his childhood but was never convicted. I have had to live with the guilt of the things my father has done. It's not that I hold any responsibility for my fathers actions, but I do have remorse for the lives he ruined.

I live in the same place I grew up. It's a small town in Mid-Eastern Minnesota. It is a town where nothing is missed and people thrive on making the lives of others, hell. I am planning on moving and finally being able to start my own life, but until then, I must look in the face of every person and know that they know what my father did. It has been difficult constantly having to defend myself for the mistakes that he made. As a child, I was harassed extensively and relentlessly.

I try to keep some sort of relationship with my father. My mother died seven years ago and I am all he has left. I am to my end with him. He can pretend on most days that he has changed, that he is not that person anymore. Most of the time I can pretend. Making small talk and so on. Then days like today, reality slaps me in the face, showing me that he cannot change, that he has always been and will always be like this.

I feel incredibly alone. I do not know anyone in my position. I have a parent who is sick and should be in prison. Lock him up and throw away the key. I feel like it is inevitable that he does something to jeopardize his freedom. I have forgiven him for his sins but I cannot forget. I forgave him for my sake. It was eating away and destroying my life.

My childhood and family life has created a host of problems that I must battle everyday. I am bipolar with anxiety and OCD. I have had an eating disorder for 12 years and have been in a mental hospital. I have PTSD because of the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse I endured for 13 years.

I am not looking for advice, only someone who can relate to me. I don't want to feel alone anymore, to feel that I need to battle this on my own.

Thanks for listening,
Stacy
Peace and Happy Travels
-K

Dx: Bipolar Disorder 1, Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anorexia/Bulimia

UnDx: Dissociative Identity Disorder

Rx: Lamictal (150 mg), Celexa (10 mg), Hydroxazine (50-100 mg, 4 times/day)
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby jasmin » Sun May 29, 2011 4:21 pm

Stacy, my heart goes out to you. It's not easy to have such a parent and to feel like you have to be there for them, knowing what they are. If you think any kids are in danger, you have to tell the police or the kids' parents...
You have to live for yourself and concentrate on your family and what makes you happy, then you can give your father a bit of attention, if that is what you want to do. No one could blame you if you never wanted to see him again.
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby evanessence » Sun May 29, 2011 7:37 pm

no advice here but i can relate to the living where everybody knows something horrible from your past ,the whispers ,the looks then people talking , i was involved in an accident where my older brother died 16 years ago still live in the same small town ,due to my father lots of people blammed me . i have even had a person ask me hey aren't you the kid that killed his brother.also i was molested by a popular teacher here and people don't believe he did it .moving is a good idea in my case ,my job and the fact i own my home here keeps me here . i have learned not to respond to stupid people ,but i see the looks hear the whispers and inside it eats at me .don't know if this will help but thought i'd try
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby smflottemesch » Thu Jun 02, 2011 2:04 am

Wow. Thank you so much for responding.... honestly, you are the very first person who was ever able to relate to me on this matter. 21 years of being alone.... thanks friend. I graduate in December. I hope we are gonna flee shortly after that. I hate it here. It would be a wonderful and beautiful place to live. I love nature and we have a lake in the middle of our town. The people made me hate this place and it's hard not to hate each and everyone for it. It's weird, but I have taught myself how to seperate the actual feeling of hate from the person... It's weird. But anyhow, I can't not hate this little God forsaken town... I mean that litterally. People can be very evil. It makes me wonder if they don't carry a little demon on their shoulder. Cruelty. Pure cruelty.

Just because, you may not even care but... I don't blame you. I don't know the whole story but I'm sure you didn't do anything on purpose. Innocent bystander maybe, maybe not. Either way, you obviously have guilt. I am a God loving 26 year old woman who has seen enough in my 26 years to know that God is the only forgiveness you need. All you have to do is ask.

Or...

You could say F-em! They don't really matter. Most people are just a bunch of fricken idiots walking around thinking they have the right answers. Morons.

I have both opinions myself. :)

Thanks for replying. You helped me out.
Peace and Happy Travels
-K

Dx: Bipolar Disorder 1, Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anorexia/Bulimia

UnDx: Dissociative Identity Disorder

Rx: Lamictal (150 mg), Celexa (10 mg), Hydroxazine (50-100 mg, 4 times/day)
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby evanessence » Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:50 am

i'm glad i could help ! feel free to come here anytime you need to talk
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby kristinak » Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:21 am

Stacy,

I really hope you respond to this because my dad was also convicted of child molestation. I am also 26 and my dad first went to jail when I was about 12. When he got out of jail, my family did not talk about it, although I know everyone in the community knew about it. I did not begin talking about it until recenlty and have started counseling. I feel so much emotional pain about it that it feels like the pain will never go away.

I have such a strange relationship with my father. Everytime I see him, he makes small talk about the weather or food, but never wants to get into a real conversation. I have not been able to look him in the eyes since I was 12.

I hope you respond and would like to know more about your experience growing up as a "daughter of a child molester".

Kristina
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby TStone78 » Sat Sep 03, 2011 2:06 pm

Hi Stacy,

I too am a daughter of a child molestor. I've recently become fully aware of the things my Dad has done to my Aunt, stepsister, brothers girlfriend, family friends etc. I had never had a good relationship with my Dad until a few years ago, I was always afraid of him growing up. He never molested me that I can recall but I watched him do very harmful things to my mother beatings and he once came home and beat my babysitter with a bat. He had also molested a friend of mine when I was younger I think I was about 8 and she was 11, I was in the room when this happened but he kept pushing my face towards the wall so I couldn't see what he was doing. My friend at the time did tell me what happened, he had molested her. My parents were divorced at that time, and I had to go spend weekends with my Dad. After that I refused to go there, but I wouldn't tell my Mom or anyone why. He then cut child support off to my mom, they had a court battle and I had to return for weekend visits. When I was about 18 after years of him having relationships with all kinds of different woman, he met my step mom. They moved in together, she had a 4 year old daughter. I seemed to think that my step mom made him better, he was more family oriented and more caring towards me. We began having a good relationship for a few years. Then my step mother was told by her daughter who was maybe 6 at the time- that he (my father) had put his finger in her (my step sister). My step mother called my mom not only because of what her daughter had told her but also rumors she heard in the town we lived. My Mother did tell her about him molesting my Aunt and other kids in the neighborhood during their marriage, he even passed out child pornography for halloween one year. My step mom was going to leave him, she wanted me to tell her what I knew so I told her about my friend that it happened to. After that my step mom wanted me & my Dad to sit down and talk about it I REFUSED, I did not want to speak to him about it but she left the 2 of us alone in a room together. My dad accused my Aunt (moms sister) of "doing this to me" and saying that my aunt was the reason I was screwed up. I had no idea what he was talking about and left the house. After a few years of not speaking to my Dad or my step mom who stayed with him, I had to see them at a family wedding. We never talked about any of it again. I started seeing my father, step mom, step sister regulary I so despeartely wanted a "normal family" and thought he had gotten better. Turns out after years of us now being close again and me feeling like a had a normal family, my step sister has come out and told that he my father had mollested her from a very young age until she was 14 years old. She's about to turn 21, I had no idea and thought they had such a good relationship, I was even jealous that they seemed to have a better relationship than he and I did growing up. After this came out I was made aware of my Aunt, and the things that occured while he and my mom were married. I don't understand how and why I had to have weekend visits with him, after my Mom and my maternal side of the family knew of his behaviors. I've recently started counseling, and have not spoken to my father since this has come out. My step siter wants to press charges, so that he has to register as a sex offender but my step mom is still living with him and has asked her to wait until she "figures out what she's going to do". Its been about 2.5 months since this has all come out, and she hasn't left him. I'm not sure she's going too, I'm having a hard time with all of this and just do not understand how this could have gone on for 30+ years without him ever being charged. I'm distarught, can't focus, depressed etc. I can relate to your story and just wanted to share mine with you. We're not alone.
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby Jewel495 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 5:25 am

Hey I am also a daughter of a child molester..I am 21 years old and I just found out in march on my 21 st birthday...I got the call when I went home from my brother who said that his girlfriend daughter told him that my father molested her. He would drug girls up and molest them. He always had pills on him so I believe everything. I do not know if he molested me because I could have been drugged but I do remember going to a motel with him about 2 times just me and him and not with my brother but I dnt really remember anything. At the time that I found out in march I suffered from extremes depression and even thought about overdosing with some anxiety pills. I was having terrible panic attacks every day and headaches were out of this world. There's much more to the story that really solidifies my depression. I still feel like there are days where I just want to break down and scream but I'm getting better at controlling it. But I do understand your problem because I'm going through it right now
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Re: Daughter of a Child Molester

Postby SomeOneLikeEveryone » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:08 pm

Hello I am 20 years old and I am also the daughter of a child molester. My father molested my older brother and cousin when I was a small child. My cousin told and my father then admitted that he was guilty and was sent to jail for 15 years when I was 3 years old. I received letters and cards from my father a few times growing up but I never really wanted much to do with him. My mother told me when I was about 10 years old about what had happened so I told my mom I didn't want any more contact with my father. My mom remarried when I was 13 years old to a man who then adopted me. I loved him and accepted him as my dad. I contacted my biological father a few times in my teenage years just out of curiosity. Part of me wondered what he was like but I only sent him a few letters before I decided not to contact him anymore again. He had become extremely religious while in jail and I felt like he was fake.
When I was 18, right before I graduated from high school, my biological father was released from prison and contacted me on Facebook. I was old enough that I was ready to ask him the tough questions. I asked him why he had done what he did. Why he ruined my brother's life and my relationship with my brother. Why he had left my mom with 2 kids all by herself. Why was he so selfish?? He was very forthcoming and seemed sincere in his responses. I started to build a fragile relationship with my father. I didn't really tell my mom or adopted dad about the contact until a month or two later. I found out that my mom had messaged my biological father on Facebook soon after that and that's when things got crazy. After years and years of my mom saying how much she hated my biological father, she started her own relationship with him. A few months after that I found out that my parents were getting a divorce. I was heartbroken. I was so angry with my mom and wouldn't speak to her or my biological father.
Two years later and my mom is now married to my biological father. He claims to be changed, a Christian, and to never have thoughts about molesting children. I have a better relationship with my mom now and a decent relationship with him. I have forgiven him as best as I can but I do still hold some resentment. I still find myself blaming him for my parents divorce, my strained relationship with my brother, and the tension between my husband and my parents. Now that I have been considering children in the future, I have been faced with expressing my feelings about him being around my children. Sometimes I feel like he feels that he has changed so he deserves for me to be ok and trust him. I feel that I would never want him around my children alone or overnight even if I was around. It is now causing turmoil between myself and my mom. I often find myself wishing with everything that he had never come back into my family. Life would be so much easier if my mom hadn't married him and moved 3 hours from my hometown. My family wouldn't avoid my mother and sometimes me if he had just stayed away. My husband wouldn't have a bad opinion of my parents if my mom hadn't cheated on my adopted dad with my child molesting biological father. And I wouldn't have this inside turmoil of how I feel about my father and my mother.
I understand fully about being treated strangely because of what your father did. It's even worse when you try to accept him while everyone else is behind you whispering. It makes every relationship you have more difficult. It makes you wonder sometimes if it would just be easier to dismiss him altogether and just hate him like everyone else does. I truly hope that my father has changed and will never hurt a child again, but I also know that some mistakes can be forgiven but not forgotten.
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