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The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby WhoKnows » Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:14 pm

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with a baby girl I left her dad and moved away because of his abuse

He's never even been mean to anyone but me that I know of so want to give him a chance tol be a good father

But latly wherever we talk on the phone he is so mean a few days ago we got in a argument about why I left it went pretty much like this :
Me: You havn't shown you can be a good safe dad for our daughter.
Kevin: A baby wuoldnt piss me off as much as you a baby acts a certain way because they know no better you just act like a stupid b-tch for no reason , if anyone would be the one she shouldn't be alone with it's you
Me: what the f-k is that supposed to mean?
Kevin: You alreadly look just like your dad you'd probaly act like him too, you know what they say the abused become the abusers, maybe you really liked being Daddy's little Slut
Me: You're a f-king asshole
Kevin: at least I'm sane
Then I hung up

He's never said anything that mean to me before and he has never thrown what my dad did in my face before. My dad sexually, physically and emotionally abused me since I was 4....... Kevin knows I hate what he did and I hate that I look exactly like him but he just used it against me like Id do that to someone else....he called back the next day and apologized saying he was drunk but he has me worried now ... Do the abused really become abusers?
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby Onebravegirl » Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:27 pm

Hmmm. I believe I already replied to a scenario like this tonight.
Oh well just in case you are someone else, I will say this.
Abusers use your pain and shame as weapons. They will try and make you ashamed of where you came from, how you were raised etc for leverage against you. Dont fall for it.
When people show you who they are believe them. Act smart. He is not going to change for a baby. A baby means less freedom and more demands of his time and commitment. Especially seen in teen years. He would be saying these same things to your daughter and using you as what should shame her.
You can either have this ass in your life messing up your daughters chance of knowing what a real man should treat her like, or you can be her hero and protect her form men like him. Remember, she will likely choose a man like the father who is the most consistent presence in her life.
You do what you think is best. For her.
Best wishes,
One
Two men looked through bars. One saw Mud, the other saw Stars.
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby WhoKnows » Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:38 am

You did reply to me earlier but this question is slightly different but thank you for both of your replys

I moved away to another state because I wasn't sure he could handle the stress of a baby
But I always assumed since he's never even rude to anyone else he wouldn't. Be abusive ....but guess it isn't good to make assumption about things like this
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby Onebravegirl » Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:55 am

I the other thread, did you take the test I offered in that link?
It would be very helpful, for your own pace of mind in a way. It can help you see why your making a safe choice for you and your round belly.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this while carrying your daughter. For myself i was with an abusive man who starved and locked me in a house when I found out I was pregnant. He had forced me into prostitution and told me I had to either work pregnant, have an abortion or he would have me killed. We lived in a house owned by a drug supplier for the hells angels, so |I knew he meant what he said.
I escaped. I had a gorgeous son. I hid for years. But I did what needed to be done to give my child a chance at a normal and loving life. You can do it too.
Love for your child can give you the power to do everything possible to keep her safe.
You will know what I mean when you hold that babe in your arms and see her eyes for the first time.
I am here to listen and support you all I can WhoKnows.
With care,
One
Two men looked through bars. One saw Mud, the other saw Stars.
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby myopicdreams » Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:31 am

If you are asking if people are more likely to abuse others when they have a history of abuse, then the answer is yes.

If you are asking if the above fact means that people with a history of abuse WILL turn into abusers, then the answer is sometimes but certainly not always.

often the single most important factor in preventing yourself from becoming an abuser, if you have been abused, is being aware that your experiences were abusive, wrong, and unjustified and then taking the initiative to educate yourself about the developmental needs of children so that you can be an understanding and knowledgeable parent.

There are several very good parenting book that are helpful for parents with a history of abuse and/or neglect. One that has been highly recommended to me is "parenting from the inside out." you can easily find it in any bookstore, library, or on Amazon.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your child.
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby Simon Attwood » Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:30 am

A good reply by myopicdreams :)

a couple more books I would recommend you read.

"Why Love Matters; how affection shapes a baby's brain" by Sue Gerhardt

&

"What Every Parent Needs To Know" by Margot Sunderland

I've got some excerpts of the latter on my blog http://sycofx.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/ ... s-to-know/

As Myopic said; the abused can become the abuser, but it is by no means certain that an abused person WILL become an abuser. But if they do, it is important to be aware that the process is predominantly autonomous, it's a form of adaption and compensation for the lack of control you would have experienced during the experience of being abused, it's a need to feel greater control to compensate and the pursuit of that control leads to abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is essentially a form of trying to maintain control over your environment, in other words; a fear of not being in control. The abusiveness can be a side effect of trying to maintain tight controls over experience and environment.
http://sycofx.wordpress.com/

"From the highest person to the lowest person, self-development must be deemed the root of all, by every person. If this root is neglected, what grows from it cannot be well-ordered." Confucius
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Re: The Abused Turn into Abusers???

Postby aLittleLost » Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:39 pm

having been abused certainly doesn't mean you'll abuse anyone else. If you ever find yourself struggling, then seek help. Don't bottle things up and don't keep a secret of how you feel. You care a lot. I'm sure you'll make a wonderful mum.

I'm disgusted at the things your partner said to you however. Drunk or not/one-time or not - this should have NEVER been a conversation. His behavior worries me more than yours...

bless you chick xx
pma, pma, pma...
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