I am posting here to get your opinions on whether some things that happened in my childhood were okay or not. I am 24 now.
My mum and dad broke up when i was 6, (my brother was 8 ) and after a year of completely ignoring my brother and i, my dad started requesting that we go over to his place on weekends from 5pm friday to 5pm sunday. I'm sure he did this to piss off my mother, because he knew we hated going and it was the one thing he could do to get to her.
We used to cry and refuse to go but my mother was scared that if she didnt make us go, my dad would win more custody rights to us and the situation would be worse.
I remember locking myself in the toilet regularly and vomiting because i was so upset. my dad would let me ring my mum when i got like this, but there was nothing she could do to calm me down and he refused to let her come to pick me up. Its like he enjoyed watching her suffer but at the expense of me.
Anyway, he was a #### father and as soon as i turned 12 my mum told me i didnt have to go anymore because i was old enough that the courts would listen to me. My dad ended up going away to america for 2 years at that time. When i was 14 though and mucking around with my first boyfriend, i had this really weird feeling and he reminded me exactly of my dad. I thought about it harder and there were a few things about my dad that made me feel really disgusting. I couldnt tell if i was just being stupid or not. but i continued to think and here are the things i remember about my dad that dont seem right.
- when i was younger (would have been before my mum and dad broke up i think), he always used to say "touch tongues!" and i would stick my tongue out and he would stick out his and we would touch them together
- up until i was 12, i would lay over his lap when we werre watching tv, and he would put his hand down the back of my pants touching my buttcheek. i think mostly though it was only his fingers that were touching my skin, he hooked his thumb out over the other side of my pants so its not like his hand was completely in there
- he used to always be naked in bed and when i would jump into bed with him he was always naked. i went to go see a psychologist when i was 8 or 9 and apparently i told her about it and she told him to stop doing it so he always then made sure the sheet was over him and under me, or vice versa
- my brother went to visit him in america when he was 14 for two weeks, he appeared to be really homesick over there, it is in my brother's pesronality to hate change so maybe he just felt very homesick, but when he got home he cut off all communication with my dad. he wouldnt accept his phone calls or see him and hasnt spoken to him since. (my brother is now 27, and lives at home with my mum still. he has completely isolated himself from the world with no job and no friends and hasnt properly been out for the past 5 years). my brother never had a good relationship with my dad though, i think he always felt unloved by him. he let my brother down quite alot.
- once i told my brothers girlfriend when we were in our late teens that i dont know why my brother hates me dad so m uch, and she said something like "thats because you were too young to remember what he would do to you"
I really need some objective clarification on this.. was it wrong or could all these things be innocent and i am just screwed in the head for thinking this way about it? maybe he did a few stupid things but wasnt aware of their impact and those things were not intentionally sexual. my brothers gf could have just been referring to what a horrible dad my father was. its true he was a bad dad, but there is a difference between bad dad and sexually abusive dad.
i need to know because my dad now has a two yearold and a 6 monthold baby. i need to make sure theyre safe.
There is no point talking to my brother about this, because if nothing happened like that to him and i told him about it, id be scared he would go and kill my father. he hates him that much. and if something did happen to my brother as well, he wouldnt ever tell me. he is so closed off that even when i mention dad he walks away.
i just feel really ###$ in the head for ever thinking it could have been wrong in that sense. perhaps i have read into it too much. people's dads walk around naked in front of them all the time etc. and its not like his hand ever went near anything else but my butt cheeks..
its just extremely confusing to me, almost to the point that i wish something more drastic had happened so my feelings could at least be warranted because right now i just feel like im ###$ up for even thinking about this. i would really like to hear your thoughts on whether this was wrong or not. please everyone who reads this post to let me know what you think. i need many and varied opinions.
sorry this is so long, i just think background information is needed.
i have started going down a dark path..i pushed this out of my memory for a number of years, but ive been intensely depressed for the last year and a half, drinking every night, and focusing my attention on anything that will get me ###$ up so i dont have to deal with reality. i quit uni, am unemployed and barely leave the house now and i really cant see any way out of this dark hole i have dug for myself. the last few months it has become so much worse that i feel i am half a step away from dying, or being stuck in this place forever until i do die.
please let me know whether my worries are valid or not, and what i should do about this.