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did my dad abuse me?

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did my dad abuse me?

Postby anonymousgirl1707 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:38 pm

I am posting here to get your opinions on whether some things that happened in my childhood were okay or not. I am 24 now.
My mum and dad broke up when i was 6, (my brother was 8 ) and after a year of completely ignoring my brother and i, my dad started requesting that we go over to his place on weekends from 5pm friday to 5pm sunday. I'm sure he did this to piss off my mother, because he knew we hated going and it was the one thing he could do to get to her.
We used to cry and refuse to go but my mother was scared that if she didnt make us go, my dad would win more custody rights to us and the situation would be worse.

I remember locking myself in the toilet regularly and vomiting because i was so upset. my dad would let me ring my mum when i got like this, but there was nothing she could do to calm me down and he refused to let her come to pick me up. Its like he enjoyed watching her suffer but at the expense of me.

Anyway, he was a #### father and as soon as i turned 12 my mum told me i didnt have to go anymore because i was old enough that the courts would listen to me. My dad ended up going away to america for 2 years at that time. When i was 14 though and mucking around with my first boyfriend, i had this really weird feeling and he reminded me exactly of my dad. I thought about it harder and there were a few things about my dad that made me feel really disgusting. I couldnt tell if i was just being stupid or not. but i continued to think and here are the things i remember about my dad that dont seem right.

- when i was younger (would have been before my mum and dad broke up i think), he always used to say "touch tongues!" and i would stick my tongue out and he would stick out his and we would touch them together

- up until i was 12, i would lay over his lap when we werre watching tv, and he would put his hand down the back of my pants touching my buttcheek. i think mostly though it was only his fingers that were touching my skin, he hooked his thumb out over the other side of my pants so its not like his hand was completely in there

- he used to always be naked in bed and when i would jump into bed with him he was always naked. i went to go see a psychologist when i was 8 or 9 and apparently i told her about it and she told him to stop doing it so he always then made sure the sheet was over him and under me, or vice versa

- my brother went to visit him in america when he was 14 for two weeks, he appeared to be really homesick over there, it is in my brother's pesronality to hate change so maybe he just felt very homesick, but when he got home he cut off all communication with my dad. he wouldnt accept his phone calls or see him and hasnt spoken to him since. (my brother is now 27, and lives at home with my mum still. he has completely isolated himself from the world with no job and no friends and hasnt properly been out for the past 5 years). my brother never had a good relationship with my dad though, i think he always felt unloved by him. he let my brother down quite alot.

- once i told my brothers girlfriend when we were in our late teens that i dont know why my brother hates me dad so m uch, and she said something like "thats because you were too young to remember what he would do to you"

I really need some objective clarification on this.. was it wrong or could all these things be innocent and i am just screwed in the head for thinking this way about it? maybe he did a few stupid things but wasnt aware of their impact and those things were not intentionally sexual. my brothers gf could have just been referring to what a horrible dad my father was. its true he was a bad dad, but there is a difference between bad dad and sexually abusive dad.

i need to know because my dad now has a two yearold and a 6 monthold baby. i need to make sure theyre safe.

There is no point talking to my brother about this, because if nothing happened like that to him and i told him about it, id be scared he would go and kill my father. he hates him that much. and if something did happen to my brother as well, he wouldnt ever tell me. he is so closed off that even when i mention dad he walks away.

i just feel really ###$ in the head for ever thinking it could have been wrong in that sense. perhaps i have read into it too much. people's dads walk around naked in front of them all the time etc. and its not like his hand ever went near anything else but my butt cheeks..

its just extremely confusing to me, almost to the point that i wish something more drastic had happened so my feelings could at least be warranted because right now i just feel like im ###$ up for even thinking about this. i would really like to hear your thoughts on whether this was wrong or not. please everyone who reads this post to let me know what you think. i need many and varied opinions.

sorry this is so long, i just think background information is needed.

i have started going down a dark path..i pushed this out of my memory for a number of years, but ive been intensely depressed for the last year and a half, drinking every night, and focusing my attention on anything that will get me ###$ up so i dont have to deal with reality. i quit uni, am unemployed and barely leave the house now and i really cant see any way out of this dark hole i have dug for myself. the last few months it has become so much worse that i feel i am half a step away from dying, or being stuck in this place forever until i do die.

please let me know whether my worries are valid or not, and what i should do about this.
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby evanessence » Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:35 pm

first thing i say is you didn't dig the dark hole yourself , and there are ways out of it ,can't say i've found my way out yet but i am starting to understand that things people do to us when we are kids can continue to affect us when we grow up ,if anything your dad did felt wrong ,then it was wrong .you are the keeper of your soul and even something that might not affect another person can be devestating to us .just the fact that it felt wrong to you means it was wrong ,and the confusion turns into shame ,did he abuse me ?if so that's sick . if not am i sick for thinking maybe he did ? am i being disloyal to my parent ? is it like a natural law that kids should respect their parents no matter what? the confusion is so hard to get through,sometimes it is just eaiser to believe we are bad instead of admitting those who should love and protect us didn't,i mean even animals protect their young and if our parents didn't love or protect us what did we do to make them that way ? my answer is nothing ,we did nothing wrong ,just the fact that your wondering tells me you were a good kid that respected your parents ,and lots of times it's that respect they use to keep us quiet and to keep us under control.do you think the things your dad did were not right? if so then that's all the evidence you need .i think it was abuse ,i think your a good daughter and that keeps you from feeling like your brother ,it sounds like your brother knows your dad was abusive and if he didn't abuse your brother personaly then maybe your brother hates him for what he might have done to you. it sounds like your brother needs you maybe to not bring up the subject but to let him know no matter what he is your brother and you love him .i worry a lot more for your brother than i would for your dad . almost all of us have been or are in the dark place ,we didn't ask to be there ,we don't deserve to be there,and the first step to getting out is to understand that someone did this to us ,no matter how much it hurts to admit that a parent or family member is responsible ,i think we have to .i wonder does your dad lie awake at night wondering if he hurt you or your brother? i doubt it
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby anonymousgirl1707 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:35 pm

but i dont know if this has affected as much. i blocked it out and i was happy 2 yrs ago and im a pretty lazy person and i have dug this holefor myself. im lazy and unmotivated. but it has gotten to the point that i dont see a propewr life for myself anymore. either way it is entirely possibly that it was me that was ###$ up from the start. i know these things happened but they were so inisgificant when you compare them to real sexual assault that maybe i am just reading into it all wrong. i was a ###$ up teenager and maybe i just construed it wrong from the start and since then have been stewing on it when it wasnt needed.
if objectively speaking you observed a really nice father (as opposed to my father's horrible ways) who loved his kids and did the things i have outlined, would you assume he was a paedophile or just a loving father?
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby nellie100 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:42 pm

well id say the couple of things you have outlined, dont strike me as normal behaviour for a dad. can you talk to your brother without mentioning things that happned to you? like just say did anything happen to him when he was younger? like evanescence said, i think its what you think and feel that matters. if its bothering you now, then you should try and talk to someone about it. if it doesnt bother you then just forget it, but the fact that your posting this suggests that its on your mind. tc.
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby Onebravegirl » Mon Oct 18, 2010 12:45 am

I am a firm believer in listening to your instincts. So, what do your instincts say? That something is off right?
Personally I don't think any of the conduct you mentioned was normal. You say you don't want to talk to your brother about this. Thats fine, but keep in mind he might be struggling with painful memories as well.
So heres my advice. Deal with what you know and feel right now. Deal with what you do remember. More memories might surface at some point.
It seems to me that you deny how you feel because you don't think the memories are bad enough. Who says?
YOU are the one who gets to say "NO, that is not right. NO, what you did to me was wrong". It is not your father who gets to say this. There does not have to be a witness for it to be so. Your heart tells you something was wrong. Don't deny that truth.
I know you are worried about your dads other kids. I do not think there is much you can do for them right now.
But as for you, Therapy would be very helpful. Even doing some reading on abuse might brings in clearer perspective.
Sexual abuse is not just when a child is extreme.
What happened to you may or may not have been sexual abuse. But it was traumatic for you, so that is what you should work out.
How it made you feel, how it shaped how you live now and how to sort out those old feelings so that they do not hold you back.
Take you time, your more than welcome to talk it out here too.
With Hope,
One
Two men looked through bars. One saw Mud, the other saw Stars.
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby Nev3rland » Mon Oct 18, 2010 7:55 am

I'm not a victim myself so maybe it's not my place to say, but I do find your dad's behavior really.. not normal. Even if it wasn't sexual abuse it was certainly emotional abuse. I suggest you talk to an expert like a counsellor or something about this. What he did to you might still be on the border of a sexual abuse but your brother's behavior is very odd. It's good that you care about his new children. It's because of the children I think you should talk to someone and get a definite answer.
..well, actually I just remember being naked in front of children of the opposite sex does count for sexual assault/abuse in many cases, so you'd better talk to a professional. Even if it wasn't sexual abuse it'd help ease your confusion.
You think I'm lost, but I'm not. I get lost at the place where you call 'home'.
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Re: did my dad abuse me?

Postby ICU » Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:18 am

...
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