Not sure how to handle him

Hi,
My boyfriend was physically/verbally/emotionally abused by his father until he left the house at 18. Any contact since has been more of the same and he's 50 now. My question to you is this: When we were just "friends" he was very nice, never once said anything to me that could hurt my feelings and if he did have something to say he would choose his words very carefully. This went on for close to a year. However, now that we are BF/GF he's different. He's mean, very critical of me and just seems to go off on a rant over every little thing. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. What do you think is going on here? How do I handle him? I don't understand this hyper critical behavior of his nor his ranting because that is not the person I knew as a "friend". I do really care about him and I know he's been thru an awful lot and lives now with all the effects of his prior abuse. I just don't know if I can stick around while he's being so mean to me.

What do you think is going on here?

I do really care about him and I know he's been thru an awful lot and lives now with all the effects of his prior abuse.

Seems to me you've just answered your own question here.

A helpful advice would always be to not take his retallation as personal as he might usually be ventilating repressed anger which he may now finally feel free to ventilate in relation with someone who he trusts.

But how do you stop taking these acts so personally when you're so adversely affected by them eh?

Thank you so much for answering my post!!

He does often say things like, "I'm not ranting about you" or "don't take this personally", however, the things he's being critical about ARE things that I am... so how can I not?!

Sometimes the things he says are so mean I almost cry. I've already had to tell him twice that I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior. It's flat out abuse!

I do notice that he likes to talk a lot about his prior abuse. He can go on for hours and hours, literally. I guess like you said it's a good release for him.

So what do I do with him? Will he improve with time? Is he just frightened going from friends to BF/GF with someone who he can actually see a future with?

He does often say things like, "I'm not ranting about you" or "don't take this personally", however, the things he's being critical about ARE things that I am... so how can I not?!

I've had a lot of experiences that've taught me that the things we perceive in others that frustrate us often are reflecting what we don't like about ourselves,
or [which are reflecting] certain attributes of our parents that have seriously pained us,
which we can't get over,
so we often retalliate to revoked feelings in response to perceived similarities pretty much regardless of the unique individual through which these perceived disturbances manifest themselves.

So in all actuality what he's so upset about has got much less to do with you than you may be inclined to believe, although some introspection on your behalf, in order to assess the level of the accountability you hold in this, could never hurt.

It takes two to tango,
yet more often than not only one takes the lead.

Sometimes the things he says are so mean I almost cry. I've already had to tell him twice that I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior. It's flat out abuse!

Are you sure you have no tolerance for his behaviour, dear?

It seems plausible your deeds would contradict your ideals.

Anything of this relationship dynamic that's resemblant to the one you've held or been holding with one of your parents?

I do notice that he likes to talk a lot about his prior abuse. He can go on for hours and hours, literally. I guess like you said it's a good release for him.

He's processing,
so when it comes to allowing him the room to do that,
you're fulfilling a purposeful role,
now it'll be up to you to figure out where you draw the line,
and when you cease wanting to stay tolerant.

And then, once you don't want to tolerate his whims anymore,
do you do then act upon your intent,
or do you remain submissive?

So what do I do with him? Will he improve with time? I

For starters it would be a good idea for you to consider that there's two of you to make the relationship work.
There's no him without you.

So what will you do with your self?
Will you improve over time?

Questions asked in total sincerity,
with all due respect and good will.

Be very clear about how his behavior makes you feel, in a friendly way. I'm sometimes not aware of that, and not aware of repeating some behavior from the past, or doing it because of being hurt myself.

InquisitivePursuer,

This here, what you wrote is very important:
"so we often retalliate to revoked feelings in response to perceived similarities pretty much regardless of the unique individual through which these perceived disturbances manifest themselves."

I wish I didn't take things so personally, but I find it difficult. I continue to try and work on that.

You also said: (I can't quote your post for some reason)
"Are you sure you have no tolerance for his behaviour, dear?"

To a certain extent I certainly do. He's a great guy with many qualities I have been searching forever for. I've read up on the emotional and physical conditions he's dealing with due to the abuse so that I can be there for him as best I can. I joined this forum to try to get help, advice, etc... because he truly truly truly is so deserving of a happy, healthy, romantic relationship for the first time in his life. I am very patient and loving towards him, but he's hurting me though. I understand that he's hurting, but now I'm hurting too, so what good is that. When I say, "tolerate this behavior" I mean tolerate the abuse he's shoveling out. I do have to protect myself and as much as I want to be with him, I realize that he may never be capable of the true give & take that a healthy relationship requires. That's why I asked my original question.

Some great stuff here. I will just add:-

Survivors often revert to default behavior when under stress. He will never be as bad as his father ( we hope) but may not see that he is doing something similar.

Just think about this. What roles has he seen in a relationship. Where will he get his role model from. Stepping out without some role model can be quite stressful and frightening. Maybe a bad role model, but he may feel vulnerable without it.

and it is common for survivors not to trust someone. SO ... they will be a pain in the ass just to prove to themselves you will not run away. Constant testing (this can go on for decades ..). if you do run away it confirms they need to raise the drawbridge again.

When you say he talks about his childhood. Is he opening up more and more (helpful) or just going round in circles ?

Does he still interact with his family.

Myusernameis wrote:InquisitivePursuer,

This here, what you wrote is very important:
"so we often retalliate to revoked feelings in response to perceived similarities pretty much regardless of the unique individual through which these perceived disturbances manifest themselves."

I wish I didn't take things so personally, but I find it difficult. I continue to try and work on that.

You also said: (I can't quote your post for some reason)
"Are you sure you have no tolerance for his behaviour, dear?"

To a certain extent I certainly do. He's a great guy with many qualities I have been searching forever for. I've read up on the emotional and physical conditions he's dealing with due to the abuse so that I can be there for him as best I can. I joined this forum to try to get help, advice, etc... because he truly truly truly is so deserving of a happy, healthy, romantic relationship for the first time in his life. I am very patient and loving towards him, but he's hurting me though. I understand that he's hurting, but now I'm hurting too, so what good is that. When I say, "tolerate this behavior" I mean tolerate the abuse he's shoveling out. I do have to protect myself and as much as I want to be with him, I realize that he may never be capable of the true give & take that a healthy relationship requires. That's why I asked my original question.

realize that he may never be capable of the true give & take that a healthy relationship requires

It looks like, deep down, you already know what conclusion to take and how you'll eventually have to act upon it, yet now lies a serious ordeal before you, in the form of a mighty conflict of interests.

Innumerable women, and men (though I feel this to be more of a wonan's issue) eventually end up staying with a partner against their conscious will for far longer than is good for them.

So why is that,?

I wanna share a very relevant, very insightful YouTube video pertinent to the matter at hand but I'm on a tablet which i'm still getrting used to like a real novice so that it's a pain for me to switch in between tabs, copy paste and all that stuff.

So instead ill just write down the title for you,
well as far as I can remember it.

'Teal Swan - Why we attract the people we do'
It should be roughly 17 minutes in length,
with a beautifully warm hued background much comparable to the one in my avatar.