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Memories don't change .. feelings do

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Memories don't change .. feelings do

Postby Terry E. » Wed Aug 09, 2017 12:04 am

I am having a bad time right now. The Ame Deal trial (big trigger warning if you google around that).

Several things in the case are very similar. Small things but very important.

Anyway my hyper vigilance kicked in last night. Was a very bad night. Stack of time sensitive work on desk, ... it just keeps on kicking you around. Have not had hyper vigilance for years.

anyway the funny thing is that last night I realise that I hate my grandparents. My mothers parents. They spent a lot of money (self made man quite wealthy for his time - my mother has blown all her inheritance ) very important person and great man. Except when my brother ran away from the beatings again and again he would get her to promise to stop and send him back. I actually ran away to my father .. very hard lots of uncharted train travel and lots of foot marching, as I knew my grand father would just send me back. How could they look at the welts and bruises our emaciated bodies and not try to do something.

I hate my maternal grandparents. My father's aunt for not letting me stay with my father, my maternal uncles and aunts for just watching and pretending things were alright.

I hate them all.

I fell incredible anger at my school teachers, scout masters, church ministers, all people who saw something was wrong, my neighbors who physically turned their backs to such strange children as if it was our fault.

I hate them all.

As a child my grandparents were my one spot of joy. I would go down and collect money for my mother each week. When I was there I had no chores I could play, buy ice creams. I was very happy it was so different to my home. Now I realize I was just being used. My mother paid for that money by sending me to keep my grandmother amused when no one visited. I was the bag man. My brother told me that when I was around 12-13, but it just did not click. He was a nice man to me, but I hate him now anyway.

Memories don't change, but feelings do.
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Re: Memories don't change .. feelings do

Postby avatar123 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 5:34 am

Terry, sorry you're going through this. I'll try to answer this and your PTSD post at once here.

First, I can understand how that event would have triggered you. I get the whole hypervigilance thing, although my situation was not nearly as traumatic as yours, it happens to me in response to unfairness. I don't sleep and get totally ramped up to fight the perceived injustice. It's what's developed in me as an adult protection mechanism, since I mostly rolled over and took the abuse as a child (no idea how to handle it then).

This is a consequence of growing up in a hurtful & unfair environment. Your childhood went way, way beyond simply unfair, so it's understandable you would have this reaction. You mentioned beating it, I don't know that you ever completely do. But you do learn to recognize it, as you have here, and that's a good thing, as it can allow you to compensate somewhat.

I think your anger toward your extended family is very justified. They should have all acted to remove you from that situation. But as with me & my siblings, at that time society was reluctant to acknowledge those problems or intervene. My father had very obvious mental health issues, it was never discussed at all. He was referred to as a "jerk" or "eccentric". That is almost laughable to me now. He should have been in psychiatric care, and at times, hospitalized. His issues also affected my mother, she was very depressed and sometimes totally unable to function. This mirrors your situation in principle but not in severity, what you went through still boggles my mind.

You can't understand any of this as a kid when it happens. You only truly understand much later as an adult, and then nothing can be done to change it. Very frustrating as there is no outlet for your anger, no corrective action is possible. You're just left to deal with it internally. I guess we all do that as best we can, in our own ways. Not perfectly and not without things like hypervigilance surfacing from time to time.

I've mentioned this to you before, and am not sure if it helps, but in many ways you are your own best example of how things can and should be better. You could have turned out to be a total disaster, and people would have just looked at you and said "well of course". But you are the complete opposite of that, you've done really well for yourself and your family, and always try to help others. You deal with a childhood most people could not even imagine, on a daily basis, and for the most part, you best it. That's a significant acheievemnt in itself, which most others can't appreciate. I always think that every day an abused person attains some degree of normalcy, is a success.

Might be periods of relapse now and then, and when those come you just have ride through them, as you are now. But a setback doesn't undo all the success you've acheived. Have to keep the big picture in mind. If you saw someone being treated as you were, you would do the right thing and help them, even though that wasn't done for you. That's the ultinate rejection and correction of what happened to you.
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Re: Memories don't change .. feelings do

Postby Terry E. » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:14 am

Thank you so much. Everything you said about the PTSD is true. Today was better bit by bit, and tomorrow I hope to be back to normal.

Again thank you for your kind words very much appreciated.
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