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Gaslighted; advice?

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Gaslighted; advice?

Postby venome » Mon Apr 24, 2017 3:54 pm

I finally confronted my dad about how he treated me when I was at my lowest point and he minimized it and such, saying:
- "I never yelled at you, I only raised my voice."
- "It's just my temperment, and you need to understand that."
- "You think you feel..."
- "You shouldnt feel..."
- "I never [x], did I?"
- [uses example of someone else who was treated worse to invalidate my emotions]
- "I was just worried about you."
- "Therapy didn't help you. Me yelling at you did."
- "I wasn't mad for long. "
- "This happened months/years ago, it's time to let go of the past."
- "You just think too negatively."
- "You see, your problem is..."

I don't know what to think. I cant concentrate in class because his words are circling me like vultures. I feel like I cant say I was abused, or even that he just gaslighted me then. I feel lke a liar.
Issues: Self-confidence/Image, Communication, Dissociation, Paranoia, Asocial
Phobias: Failure, Separation, Rejection, Socializing
Disorders: Depression, Social Anxiety, Body Dyspmorphia
Possible: BPD
Issues Started: 2010
Other: Verbally abused
About: Transmasc., They/He, 16
venome
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Local time: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:48 am
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Re: Gaslighted; advice?

Postby avatar123 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 2:51 am

Sorry you have to deal with this. I think you have to realize that he will never accept responsibility for his actions. He is always right and you are always wrong. Not because that's the reality, but because that's the only way he can perceive reality. You can't reason or argue or debate your way to a different outcome, even though you know that should be possible. In his case it's not.

I know it's hard, but you have to focus on your own truth, and not his. You know what actually happened and what he did. His words don't change that. If you either accept his version, or insist that he accept yours, you just end up absorbing the effects of his problems. You should resist that and stick to your own understanding of things, which is more evolved & accurate than his.

Again this is easier said than done, as I know being validated is important to you. But for your own well-being, you have to value your process over his. If you can do that, you can provide your own validation of what happened.

Hope that helps. My father was similar and it still affects how I respond to authority, so I understand how you're feeling, and how upset this can make you.
avatar123
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Re: Gaslighted; advice?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 3:31 am

That's my mom too.

I eventually got to a point that I said to myself, "She's just a terrible mother, don't pay any attention to what she says." It took much more than just that. But you are in the "right." I know it because I've gone through similar situations as you. Validate your own story as the truth for yourself, and let him keep being "him."
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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