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Dear Mom

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Dear Mom

Postby RNails » Sun Apr 16, 2017 5:14 am

My Mom and I haven't talked for 3 months now. I tried to open up to her about how terrible she made me feel as a child and all she could do was accuse me of being brainwashed by my dad into thinking she's a bad person. This is what I wrote her. Was I out of line?

Dear Mom,

You wanted me to write a letter so you could “read it over and over and know how bad of a parent you were” so here it is. Those are your words verbatim which pretty much sums up your sarcasm and attitude in general. I’ve even written headers below so you can easily go back to the sections you want to revisit.

First of all, please remember that I’m a grown, college educated man. I’ve been to a lot of places and have seen a lot of things in my life. I am not some simpleton that is closed minded or being brainwashed or peer pressured into thinking the way I think. The fact that you would even imply that I’ve been brainwashed and feel negative towards you because of that is just insulting. Please keep reading and I will debunk that idea entirely.

My thoughts and viewpoints are based on cognitive intelligence which involves the ability to reason, plan, solve problems, comprehend complex ideas, and learn from experiences. That is the basic core of “Thinking” and it doesn’t come from any book, nor is it learned through academics.

If you still see me as a child or think I am inferior to you in any way then you should stop reading this now. If you’re able to read this with an open mind then maybe you can start to understand why I feel and think the way I do.

Why I feel badly toward you:
Here are just a few examples of what made me bitter toward you from an early age:

1. I didn’t believe in god like you did and because of that you made me feel like I was a sinner, going to hell, and like there was something wrong with me. You didn’t accept me for who I was, even though I was just an innocent and loving child. I was a good kid who loved animals and loved the elderly and I had a good heart. I would sit next to poor or picked on kids and befriend them to try to make them feel better. You always treated me like I was a bad person even though I wasn’t.

2. You were constantly spitting words of shame, guilt, and persecution. You were belittling of me every chance you got. If I did or said something you didn’t agree with you literally acted like you hated me, even if I was doing something that would be perfectly normal or acceptable to any normal human being. My childhood at your house was filled with fear, shame, and loneliness. Remember that poem “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I shall DIE before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.” I can remember going to bed every night and being afraid that I would die in my sleep. Who the hell in their right mind would say that to their child as a bedtime poem…

3. Your love was not unconditional love like a parents love should be. The only thing you had for me was conditional love. I had to act, think, and be who you wanted me to be or you acted like you hated me. I had to choose one or the other, to either be my own self or be loved by you. Imagine how terrible a child would feel struggling with that decision.

4. Whenever I did good or accomplished something it was always attributed to god. If I did bad or failed at something it was attributed to me. If I was smarter or ran faster or got a higher test score I was blessed by god. If I didn’t follow the rules or got a bad grade I was a sinner or a bad student. Still to this day you attribute any success I have to god. I attribute it to hard work, dedication, intelligence, and perseverance.

5. You believe I’m worthless without your god, so in your eyes I am and always have been worthless. In the last conversation we had I asked you that question directly and you confirmed it and reiterated it. You think I’m worthless. I can’t really even imagine a parent considering their child worthless. The more I think about it, the more it enrages me. Being a father now, that logic just dumfounds me. I think M is the most precious and worthwhile thing on earth.

6. You always chose god over me. You always acted like to love me was to sacrifice your love for god. You don’t have to choose between your children and god. You can love both unconditionally and if you think you can’t then you’re reading the wrong book. To you, religion is an addiction. Suppose a mom chose drugs over her children or gambling or alcohol addiction. Do you think that would be OK? Choosing any addiction over your child is not OK.

7. Not only did you verbally abuse me but you physically abused me and allowed my stepdad to physically abuse me as well. Spanking a child out of rage until you leave bruises is not OK. Spanking a child out of rage for any reason is not OK. Telling a child that you will beat them harder if they put their hands back out of agonizing pain is not OK. You claim that you were the victim of my stepdad but I can remember you siccing him on me many, many times. You couldn’t deal with your child so you just pushed it off on the even more abusive stepdad. Not only did you allow the abuse but you actually encouraged it when I did something you didn’t like. Shame on you for that.

Those are just a few reasons. I could probably write more but I think verbal abuse, religious abuse, and physical abuse should suffice.

Why I loved you despite the abuse
Whenever I try to tell you why I feel bitter toward you, your response is always “well why were you so sweet to me as a child” or “why did you write me all those nice letters and get me greeting cards and draw me pictures”. I can tell you exactly why, it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Here is an interesting story that helps explain what Stockholm Syndrome is:

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the publicity – the emotional “bonding” with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The “Stockholm Syndrome” reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing “Stockholm Syndrome” will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

Source: http://counsellingresource.com/therapy/ ... stockholm/

Now that you understand a little more about that I can answer your question about the greeting cards. I didn’t want to tell you this before because I thought it would hurt your feelings. At this point I think it’s something you need to hear. Several years ago I told M that I would go greeting card shopping and had the hardest time picking one out for you. I would literally stand there in the isle and read cards like “You were such an amazing mother filled with love” or “Mom, you’ve always been so wonderful and caring” and I couldn’t pick a card. It pissed me off every time I shopped for a card because I would struggle to find one that was true. If only they made cards that said “Mom, you only loved me when I did what you wanted” or “Mom, you acted like you cared sometimes and other times you just beat the hell out of me, literally”. Look at the cards that are hand written from recent years and you will find some truth in them.

About Parenting
Some things you said about parenting have really bothered me so I wanted to explore a few concepts here. You say that you gave birth to me, fed me, bathed me, and raised me and for that reason I should respect you and love you. Well, those very basic parental duties are also carried out by sheep, birds, dung beetles, and pretty much every other animal on planet earth. Unless you are comparing your parenting skills with that of an opossum, then we should probably discuss what parenting means in the human sense.

I guess I’ll start by sharing what I think are the qualities of a good parent vs a bad parent.

Good parenting
Unconditional Love
Patient
Kind
Understanding
Teaches with patience, love and understanding
Disciplines in a controlled thought out manner out of love
Considers their child important
Does what is best for the child

Bad parenting
Conditional Love
Hateful
Teaches with shame, guilt, and fear
Controlling
Disciplines out of hatred and rage
Vengeful
Abusive
Considers their child worthless
Does what is best for parents emotional needs

You say I was rebellious as a child but the truth is that I was rebelling against you. You were the cause of the problem. The way you treated me was the cause of the problem. Not the devil, not my Dad, not me. You and my stepdad raised me in a toxic and abusive environment and no one else is to blame.

I remember you taking me to that psychologist because you thought I had issues. After a full evaluation he determined that I had a high IQ and was perfectly sane and that you were the one who was crazy. He actually told me that. Did he put that in his report? I don’t remember going back there and I can only assume that you didn’t agree with what he said. Did you want them to put me on meds too? I wonder how many abused children are misdiagnosed and get put on meds because of poor parenting.

There was a time when I probably should have been put on meds and you were 100% to blame. Your house was like a prison and filled with hate, negativity, and persecution. I can remember one time I took our cat and put it inside a cover on top of the bunk beds in the spare bedroom. I wrapped it up and squeezed it so hard it was screaming and clawing trying to get out. I just kept squeezing harder and harder. I had so much rage that I smothered that cat to its very last breath and then let go. It literally $#%^ and pissed all over the inside of those covers it was so scared and close to dying. I scrambled to wash all the covers before you got home so you wouldn’t know. I’m sure you will say that it was the devil that caused that to happen and you are right. You were the devil.

Looking back I now know why that cat attacked K on top of those bunk beds when D spooked it. It had literally almost died in that very spot. I was such a twisted child and have you to thank for that. When you kicked me out and I moved to my Dad’s it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was like a breath of fresh air moving there. I never had an episode of rage or anything like that at Dad’s so I guess you can say that his house was much holier than yours. Since dad has been a hot topic recently I’ll talk more about him later.

Aside from the list of reasons why I have bad feelings toward you at the top of this letter (which you probably already forgot about) here are a few more questions and thoughts I have for you:

I got kicked off the bus so you made me ride my bike 5 miles to school. How is it OK to make a teenager cross a dangerous 4 lane highway and ride on a 2 lane road to get to school? If I got hit by a car would you have even cared or would you have thought I deserved it? By the way my friend J F picked me up at the end of the gravel road every day so I never rode my bike to school. His truck was much cooler than the bus anyway.

Remember that Civil War medal that I traded for in 1st grade? I gave a kid some muscle men for it and then sold it to my stepdad with the agreement that he would sell it back to me for the same amount in a few days. Then it just disappeared. What did you guys do pawn it? What about that diamond I found in the carpet on *mod edit*? I was so excited about it and then you just took it and kept it for yourself. How selfish do you have to be to literally rip off a child? Kids remember those sorts of things.

Let me give you an example of what a good parent does. Dad and I were at a yard sale and he always taught me heavy pocket watches are worth more. So I found a heavy watch in a box and bought it from this old lady for 10 cents. Dad and I looked up the price later and found out it was worth $250. Do you think dad took it from me and sold it? Hell no. He went to the jeweler and had it reconditioned, cleaned and put in perfect working order. Then he put it in a felt cloth in a little box and showed me where it was. One day I climbed up on a chair and got it out to look at it when I wasn’t supposed to. The bottom of the box fell out and I dropped the watch and broke it. What do you think dad did? He went back to the jeweler and had it fixed just like new again and gave it back to me. That is what a loving parent does.

One of my earliest memories as a child was when we lived in the earth home. H and H were outside on the gravel driveway playing with a mouse. They had a spoon and would tap the edge of the spoon on the mouse’s tail to get it to scurry a little. I wanted to do it so I took the spoon and accidently hit the tail too hard and it bled. Doing what any child would logically do I took the mouse by the tail and went to the door to ask for a Band-Aid. Maybe you didn’t have one or wouldn’t give me one but for whatever reason I started to fuss. Instead of dealing with the situation like a loving parent you just called upon my stepdad to handle it. Do you remember how he handled it? I do. He put on leather gloves and walked outside. Then he took the mouse from me and threw it down on the gravel as hard as he could and splattered it on the driveway. There I was a compassionate little boy and I couldn’t understand what had just happened. Do you think I did something wrong?

Another question I have for you is why would you make a 7 year old take a huge Double X Amway vitamin even though they were begging you not to? I can tell you why, because you cared more about Amway and Control than you did about your own child. You know they make chewables right? When I got it stuck in my throat why didn’t you take me directly to the ER to get it taken out? If it had dislodged and choked me to death in the night would you have felt bad? I remember laying there on the couch all night not being able to drink water or swallow. If I did swallow my body vomited and convulsed in response. It was an absolutely terrifying experience. I still wake up at night sometimes half awake and think that I have something stuck in my throat.

Do you remember how I swam on my own for the first time? I can remember like it was yesterday. We had gone out on the dock and there was a white Styrofoam piece that I got on to float around. You called me back in and told me to put my life jacket on because I couldn’t swim yet. When I went to step from the Styrofoam to the dock the Styrofoam slipped out from under me and I went straight into the lake with no life jacket. I can still remember sinking to the bottom of that murky lake. It was such a traumatic experience that I can still remember the exact feeling of the mud squishing between my toes as I kicked off the bottom. I pushed off and doggy paddled my way back to the surface and survived. Why didn’t you even jump in after me?

Lets imagine the following situation. Two men fall in love and adopt a child. So now the gay couple has a baby and they are effectively the baby’s parents. Let’s assume that they are loving, kind, patient, and understanding. They spend time with their child and help him learn and grow. They take care of the child and protect him. Their home is filled with positivity, joy, love, and it’s a caring environment. Their home is a safe place.

Now let’s assume we have a man and woman who are married and in a heterosexual relationship. Their home is a toxic environment and there is always fighting and negativity. The parents belittle and talk down to the child. The child can never do anything right. They neglect the child. The parents verbally and physically abuse the child and spit words of hatred and persecution. Their home is a fearful place and the child feels isolated, alone, and terrified.

Now honestly ask yourself which home you would rather grow up in. I can say with 100% certainty that I would rather be raised by the gay couple.

Just because you gave birth to me does not mean that I am obligated to love you or respect you. Love and respect need to be earned and that’s something you need to work on. I know what you’re probably saying. You believe that the only important thing is that you teach your child about god and that your child finds god. If that is your only thought then please consider yourself a complete failure as a parent because I want absolutely nothing to do with your god.

Religion
I have noticed an interesting pattern with you throughout the years. You might not realize this, but you are a church hopper. You are continually on a quest to find the perfect church that is spiritual enough for you, but they all fall short. I’m sure you always have a critical word to say afterwards whenever the church doesn’t meet your expectations. I can personally remember going to dozens of churches when I was younger and have seen you obsess over the teachings of *mod edit* you’re now following in a basement, and countless others.

Almost every time you hop the reason is always the same. You left because you don’t agree with them anymore or they said or did something you don’t like. I have seen you travel far and wide trying to find the perfect church but you never can. You never will and here’s why. The problem is not with the church, it’s with you. Have you ever stopped to consider that? Don’t you think in the last 33 years you would have found the perfect church if it was out there? I would be very surprised if you are still with the people you were with when we last talked. If you are, it’s just a matter of time until they do or say something you don’t agree with or you get bored with them and move on to seek out your next spiritual high.

I call it a high because it is your addiction and I truly believe that. Your endless quest to find the perfect church can be directly compared to an addict searching for the perfect high. You call it the “truth” or the “way” or “god” and I call it what it is, the way you cope with not being able to love yourself. It is your way of feeling important in life. If you believe that you know more about god or you are “closer” to god than others, it makes you feel like a somebody. Religion fills a void in you just like drugs fill a void in an addict. Maybe you should take a look inside and try to figure out why you have that void and you’ll start to uncover your true self. Until then you will seek endlessly and never be fulfilled.

Not all Christians are like you. I believe there are two types of Christians:
1. Christians who question one or another about reality. These are mature adults who do their research, seek out the truth, observe other opinions and evidence with an open mind and make rational decisions about their belief system. When asked a question about religion they can give a logical reason for why they believe that way and have an open and healthy discussion about their feelings toward it.

2. Christians who are fundamentalists or extremists and think they know the absolute truth. When people question them or have a different opinion they respond with sarcasm as if they are all-knowing because they aren’t actually secure in their faith with god. They are closed minded and won’t listen to anything others have to say, not even other Christians. The sarcasm is a form of anti-intellectualism and suggests that even simple minded folks are in fact much smarter than PhD scientists. They have an anti-expert attitude that doesn’t apply to any other area of their lives except religion. This fundamentalist all-knowing attitude gives average individuals a delusion of grandeur, in your case with a religious theme.

Do you truly think that of all Christians out there who don’t believe like you will go to hell? If this was the case only you and the 10 people you worship with in that basement would go to heaven. Uncle J was the kindest person and most faithful Christian I’ve ever known. You said he didn’t believe right and that’s why he died so young; do you think he went to hell? How special you must think you are to even consider that you are one of the chosen ones. Well I have news for you, a few years ago you thought that the *mod edit* followers were the chosen ones, after that you thought those who believed like *mod edit* were. Do you think they will all go to hell now that your views have changed? Stop for a second and contemplate how insane that is. You’re so closed-minded that if you were a male who was born in Iraq you would have likely ended up the next ISIS suicide bomber.

I’m not going to go into your beliefs about god or my beliefs about god and who is right or wrong. If I did you would just continue to return to this section and disregard every other part of this letter. All I have to say is this; with religion you’ve picked the only thing in life that you can’t be proven wrong about, but at the same time I think it’s enabling you to lose touch with reality.

The Girls
I won’t speak for the girls but I understand their bitterness toward you. After talking to them I can see a lot of similarities in the way you treated us, especially with the way you treated M. I hope that she writes you a letter and that you read it over and over again so you can understand how bad of a mother you were to her.

Dad
I know my dad is not perfect and he’s done some terrible things in his life but I have only ever known one person; who he was to me. To me he offered unconditional love. He spent quality time with me and enjoyed just doing things together. He led by example and would never lie, cheat, or steal. He never drank or smoked or gambled around me. He was open minded and understanding. He didn’t treat me like he hated me if I didn’t act exactly like him. He never belittled me or acted like I wasn’t good enough. He was supportive and loyal. He challenged me but not in a demeaning or negative way. He treated me with respect and dignity. He was my safe place.

I can remember when I was a child I would look out the window and listen for his old junky Datsun to pull up. Not only was I excited to see him but I was desperate to get out of the toxic environment that you called home. When I returned to your house it was a feeling of dread. I talked to a psychologist and asked if one parent could brainwash a child into disliking the other and she said no. If the child has negative feelings toward a parent it’s because the parent did something to cause it. If you still believe that all my thoughts are lies and it’s all dads fault for brainwashing me then just go back and read the first part of this letter again.

M
First of all I think M is a really good person. He has never done anything to hurt me and I don’t think he has a mean bone in his body. I think he means well. That being said, it seemed really odd to me that you and I had a revolutionary conversion and then you did a complete 180 with your attitude. I thought we were getting somewhere the week before we last talked. I had told you how I felt about how you treated me growing up and you had offered somewhat of an apology. It was the first time that I felt like the truth was surfacing and that you had owned some of it and we could start to move forward. Then out of the blue you made a comment that I was brainwashed and my negative feelings toward you were all Dad’s fault.

Why would you do a complete 180 and change your view entirely? The only thing I can imagine is that one of the following is true:

1. You couldn’t accept the truth so you talked yourself into an alternate reality and blamed it on someone else regardless of whether it might destroy our relationship.

2. Our conversation actually rattled you and you went to M for comfort, only to be reassured that you weren’t the problem and you had done no wrong.

If that later is true then maybe you should take a step back and truly consider his role in your relationship. Is he supporting you or is he enabling you? Someone who enables dysfunctional behavior is known as co-dependent. Their self esteem is often dependent on his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. The reality though is that the enabling not only doesn’t help but actually makes the situation worse. In your case I think it is making you even more out of touch with reality.

Exposure to other people helps keep us in check with reality. People at the store, at work, at church, and in social settings outside our immediate family help keep us in check. The problem with your situation is that you are only exposed to a very small group of people right now. You are only being exposed to the opinions of M and the radicals you’re hanging out with. M will always agree with you and healthy debate is lacking in any of your social structure. When some form of debate arises you either eventually get your way or you’re out. You are selective about what you expose yourself too and it appears to be a downward spiral to your own self-destruction.

I asked Dad if I could read that letter he sent to M so he gave me a copy. It was a very simple letter and absolutely everything he wrote in there was the true. There were no opinions and it was all based on fact. You cheated on L and had M form a different man out of wedlock. A DNA test can prove that. Then several years later you cheated again and had M with yet another Man. A DNA test can also prove that. So my question to you is why did M say that the letter was all crap? I could hear you in the background saying that it was all crap too. Does M even know about your past or have you hidden that from him? Why would you both say that the actual reality is all crap? If he does know about your past, then maybe he should consider that someone who lies and cheats would also be capable of treating their child poorly as well.

You also mentioned that M doesn’t want you to call the girls. Let’s get something straight here. You are not a victim of your children. If you think you are then please make a list of everything we have ever done to you to hurt you. Everything we have said or done to you was a response to you attacking us. We defended ourselves and if that means we are controlling to you, then that is a problem within you, not us. Maybe it’s your loss of control that offended you. If you try to control us or belittle us and we fight back you cannot say that we are the ones controlling you. That simply doesn’t make sense. Please right now just make a list of all the bad things I have ever done to victimize you. My guess is that you have done so many bad things to us that you feel unlikeable. That’s something you need to work on, not blame on your children.

Closing
Something interesting about trauma is that it not only affects your mental state but it also changes the way your mind and body functions. Being in a constant state of defense heightens our body’s responses and trauma victims get stuck in a constant state of being attacked. The body responds by always being in a fight or flight state which can have detrimental impacts on the body. Sleep problems, autoimmune diseases (allergies), digestive disorders, and inflammation are just a few examples.

Although I am relatively healthy and have managed to deal pretty well with most of my issues in life, it still doesn’t make it OK what I went through as a child. I have a lot of things that I have to work through now because of the way I was raised and because of the way you treated me. It’s not as simple as oh “I didn’t know any better as a parent” or “well that’s how I was raised.” Your actions had a direct negative impact on my life and continue to have a negative impact on me into adulthood both mentally and physically. I know the same can be true for M and probably M as well. I am learning to uncover the true reasons behind some of my issues and working on improving myself.

I feel like part of that healing process it to lay it all out on the table and tell you exactly how I feel. I’m tired of acting like everything is or was OK. What you’re reading in this letter is the truth. It is not the result of some brainwashing or false sense of reality. I’m certain that I have a solid grasp on reality and would be willing to sit in front of an entire panel of expert psychologists to be evaluated. Would you?

Moving forward I have to ask myself what I will get from a relationship with you. You seem to have gotten better over the years but just when I think we are having an intellectual conversation you start ranting about scripture and god and acting like you are all-knowing. I have my own beliefs about God and you will never change me, just like I will never change you. One thing I will not do is relentlessly preach at you with my views and beliefs. I have enough respect for others to not do that and it’s something you should consider .You acting that way only causes friction between us which is exactly the opposite of what a loving god would want for any family.

You believe that you and only you know the “truth” but that is simply your way of saying that you are all-knowing and superior. You have preached and preached to your children all your life and where has it gotten you? You can see that it only causes problems and it has definitely not turned us to god. The reason you continue is because you are doing it for you. Preaching to others makes you feel good and gives you pleasure at everyone else’s expense. It’s just another form of belittling and bullying and it makes you feel more superior and in control. It is your way of trying to have control over me and you simply do not. I will no longer sit there and listen to you preach at me and treat me like I am spiritually inferior to you.

So I guess that leaves you with a choice to make. Are you willing to talk to your children if they aren’t willing to listen to you constantly preaching and acting spiritually superior to them? I think that is really what it boils down to. Imagine if I practiced witchcraft and then basically said to you I will not speak to you or have a relationship with you unless you hear what I have to say about witchcraft every time we talk. The thought of that is absolutely absurd but it’s exactly how you act. Extend the same respect to others as you expect in return and maybe you would have more friends and still speak to your children.

Before you think you are some martyr that is sacrificing your relationship with your children for god, just stop. None of your children have asked you to switch religions or denounce your faith in god. Our only requirement of you is to stop attacking us and trying to control who we are. We are all adults and make our own decisions and choices in life. You have no control over us and your words will not change us. You lost your control and power over us long ago and it’s just something you need to deal with. If you choose to not speak with your children it has absolutely nothing to do with Christianity it has to do with you. Please stop using religion as your excuse to not talk with us and try to uncover your real emotional reason behind it.

You probably think I don’t love you because I am telling you the truth here but I do love you and so do the girls. If you can learn to look at yourself objectively then maybe we can have a relationship. If you continue to act superior, continue to be single minded, play the victim, and blame everyone else then there is probably no hope. Dealing with you when you are in that state of mind just wastes my time and causes stress that I don’t need in my life.

I’m still open to talk to you but would love to see you go to a councilor first. You tell everyone else that they need to see a counselor and I have actually seen 3 in the last year. If you’re not a hypocrite then please look for a counselor outside the church and consider getting some real help with your emotional state from a psychological standpoint. The first thing you should do is give them this letter. Please let me know that you got this.

Love,
Rus
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edits
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Apr 16, 2017 6:49 pm

I'm so so sorry.. I could only get through a third of that without having to step away for a while. I'll be in absolute bits if I try to finish it now.

I've done exactly the same as you with the mothers day cards.. I spend hours looking for the perfect one.. the one that I can give without feeling like I'm lying and betraying the small child I once was.
I can't give one that isn't true.. I won't eat that lie - it would choke me.
They need to make a collection for our mothers..


I'll come back a little later - but you needed to say that.. I'm sure your mother will think you're out of line, but just know that you weren't.. that you aren't. You're just trying to finally be heard xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Dear Mom

Postby RNails » Mon Apr 17, 2017 7:06 pm

seabreezeblue wrote:I'm so so sorry.. I could only get through a third of that without having to step away for a while. I'll be in absolute bits if I try to finish it now.

I've done exactly the same as you with the mothers day cards.. I spend hours looking for the perfect one.. the one that I can give without feeling like I'm lying and betraying the small child I once was.
I can't give one that isn't true.. I won't eat that lie - it would choke me.
They need to make a collection for our mothers..


I'll come back a little later - but you needed to say that.. I'm sure your mother will think you're out of line, but just know that you weren't.. that you aren't. You're just trying to finally be heard xx


Is there any hope for parents like that? I mean do they ever come to their senses, apologize and try to move forward or is it normal to just write off their children? My sisters and mom haven't talked in over 2 years. My mom claims they are bitter toward her and hate her and my sisters thing she's crazy and isn't capable of being somewhat normal.
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:31 pm

I have no idea..

My sister doesn't talk to my mother either, and a couple of years ago she told my mother that the reason she doesn't talk to her is because she'd been abusive.
My mother was ranting down the phone to me, and suddenly asked if I thought she'd been abusive (you know.. one of those questions where they're demanding that you answer the way they want you to)..
I completely froze for a moment.. I couldn't bring myself to lie, anymore than I can bring myself to give a lovely and fake mothers day card. I eventually answered with a very quiet 'I think that things were very difficult yes..''. My mother went into silent seethe mode and said 'I'm going to go now'.. before putting the phone down.
I was expecting recriminations and abuse from her husband over the next few days.. I went into ultra panic mode everytime the phone or door went.

Nothing was ever said about that to my face.. but a lovely passive aggressive facebook post went up on my mothers wall, posted by her husband.. a poster, said something about how kids need to be smacked a lot harder and then maybe they'd show respect when they're adults. :cry:

Next time I saw my mother, I was on silent treatment - I was the one in the wrong. She talked to me like I was a stranger that she disliked but was obliged to be polite to anyway (I'm sure you can imagine.. yours probably does the same thing.. very polite at the same time as looking at you like you're an insect that she wants to step on.. eye contact is hard and stony).

Sorry, I'm waffling - but idk.. I don't think there's any hope for mine, I'd like to think there is for yours.. for your sake at least.
But the point is that they're more disordered than is fixable.. they seem to genuinely believe that they're justified and not in the wrong. They twist and turn events and things that people have said, to fit with their own sense of being the 'right' one.

You might get the rare one that was acting the way they were because they weren't very well.. and then when they start getting better, they start regretting. But you can't change personality.. and you can't give someone empathy, or the ability to love and think of another persons feelings..

If you can handle it, it's usually a better idea to just try and make the most of what you have right now. Start trying to build a different kind of relationship on a clean slate. Not forgiving, because you can't forgive if someone isn't sorry, but you can at least try and place everything to one side and see if you can move forwards a little..
Sadly it's up to you.. hurts like hell to never be acknowledged or have the child you validated though.. xx
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and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Dear Mom

Postby RNails » Tue Apr 18, 2017 12:51 am

Wow sounds like you're in a really similar situation. That sucks. So you think it's better to keep the relationship even though there is still unresolved issues and tension there? With my mom it's like we start to have a normal conversation and I feel like we're bonding then she starts ranting about religion and all reality goes out the window.

The last time my sisters and her talked she literally ruined a huge Christmas dinner right in front of the kids and everything. It was like something right out of the movies lol. Mom was mad at one of my 45 year old sisters and telling her how to raise her adult kids. When she tried to confront my sister at Christmas my sis was like we're not talking about this here so my mom grabbed her shirt, pulled her down one of the steps and wouldn't let her go up the stairs. My sister blew up and yelled "let go of me!" and all hell broke loose =)

Your stepdad sounds just like mine. When you argue with mom she always looks to him and says now M I'm right aren't I, and he agrees. I was to the point of calling her out on it every time she did that and I told him he was just a pushover. I've been nice and put up of the B.S. for many years and just to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I can honestly say my life isn't any worse the last few months even though I haven't spoken to my mom. My only fear is that I'll run into her someday and she'll be so mentally lost that she won't even recognize me.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Mon Apr 24, 2017 11:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby seabreezeblue » Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:44 am

I think it's always worth trying to resolve things.. but if they don't acknowledge it, then yes..
the only choices then are to walk away, or to create a fresh slate kind of relationship with them.
Sadly though.. if you aren't acknowledged, that's hugely difficult - and re-traumatising.

Did you actually give her the letter that you wrote? and did she respond at all if you did?


My mother does the same thing with my step-dad.. everytime she offends someone by being abusive, she tells him how she was right, and he just agrees.
He literally has no thoughts of his own anymore.. I do sympathise a little bit, because I can see how that can happen - it happened to me as a child. But he's an adult.. we needed protecting.
I really don't have any respect for him anymore.. and the sad thing is that he was an okay man once. I loved him at first.. (kind of.. I was always wary, i'd already been taught that people didn't love me, so when someone seemed to, I kept my distance and warily watched for something to happen).

He ended up being her conduit in a way.. he ended up doing all the things that she didn't want to be seen to be doing.
Neighbours playing their music too loudly - she'd send him out to tell them to turn it down.. and oc he was more concerned about being ranted at by her than he was about upsetting the neighbours.
One of us kids stolen an item of food = she'd send him out to drag us back in and hit us.

The neighbours believe that he was the abusive one.. nope - he was simply her puppet :|


Do you think your mother is ill though RNails? Because if she is, and it's something actually treatable, could she be persuaded to get some help at all?

I think with mine that my sister has the right idea with not talking to her.. I've walked away a couple of times, but was dumb enough (or caring enough.. idk) to go back. We're very low contact now.. maybe once a month or so. Still makes me feel rough and I crash for hours after seeing her, but meh.. maybe I need the contact, even if just to remind myself that I used to feel like that all the time.. and I am much different to the invisible..voiceless child I once was.
xx
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and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Dear Mom

Postby julllia » Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:57 am

he was more concerned about being ranted at by her than he was about upsetting the neighbours.

the most tragic.

like being more concerned about if you are admirable to the neighbors than if your child is in pain and the other parent afraid more to be left alone without partner than how his child feels.
is always putting their selfish fear above their child's feelings.

edit:btw i always wondered why while my uncle had all the money seemed like he was afraid of her wife and was enabling her. a "normal" person would say something. that didn't seem like love but fear
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby seabreezeblue » Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:28 pm

it doesn't make sense does it julllia :|

nothing normal about these people I guess.. (my definition of normal is pretty broad, but even mine can't fit this stuff into it)
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby julllia » Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:42 pm

let’s say happy or healthy with love and empathy in their life instead of normal.
i do not like the term normal.everything seems normal but everything doesn’t have love
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Re: Dear Mom

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:19 pm

RNails wrote:
seabreezeblue wrote:I'm so so sorry.. I could only get through a third of that without having to step away for a while. I'll be in absolute bits if I try to finish it now.

I've done exactly the same as you with the mothers day cards.. I spend hours looking for the perfect one.. the one that I can give without feeling like I'm lying and betraying the small child I once was.
I can't give one that isn't true.. I won't eat that lie - it would choke me.
They need to make a collection for our mothers..


I'll come back a little later - but you needed to say that.. I'm sure your mother will think you're out of line, but just know that you weren't.. that you aren't. You're just trying to finally be heard xx


Is there any hope for parents like that? I mean do they ever come to their senses, apologize and try to move forward or is it normal to just write off their children? My sisters and mom haven't talked in over 2 years. My mom claims they are bitter toward her and hate her and my sisters thing she's crazy and isn't capable of being somewhat normal.


First of all, I wanted to say that the letter you wrote is something I would have tried to do because I truly cared about my mom's and my relationship. That shows a lot of good in you RNails. You want good in your life through your mother. A lot of people would or could just give up on them or even mistreat those type of parents. Every time I tried telling my mom what she did was not right she would dismiss it as me being oversensitive and downplay it. It was very hurtful. She is not a good person. She would make fun of religious people and I was one of them, at that time. She mocked me and called me a "nun." I truly hate her for that.

My own opinion and it's purely my opinion based on my experience with my own mom, is that, at least for my mom, there is no hope in her ever changing. My mom apologized a few times and then went back to her old ways. She won't change, sadly, and I stopped sticking around waiting for that to happen. I'm 42 now and for my own benefit, I've removed her from my life. I don't send her a card for any celebration. Not mother's day, or her birthday, or Christmas. I told my therapist, "I just don't want to send her anything. I don't like her and I refuse to continue to feel obligated to be nice to her in that way." I am not saying that this is how you should approach things. Just sharing how I have done things in my own life. I did, for many years, keep her in my life. Hurting inside all the time. Me saying, "you hurt my feelings," was not taken seriously.

I'm sorry to hear of your mom being so negative in your life. I truly do empathize with you and if you do keep her in your life, I hope that you can be the bigger person and learn to just brush off her negative way of being with you, should she continue being that way. I do hope for a change. Deeply religious people sometimes listen to pastors if they are being called out on their behavior. I would hope she would listen to someone in authority to try and help herself and her relationships with her children.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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