Greetings, and I hope someone can help me out here. I still am confused as to whether or not I was abused, although many have given me mixed messages, and I'm hoping that someone can give me some guidance.
I was raised by my grandmother from 18 months until I became an adult because my mother's ex-boyfriend (not my dad) physically abused me. I get that's abuse. It was pretty bad, and required hospitalization. From that point on, my grandmother took care of me. The first time I remember my grandmother really losing it was when I was six, because I'd gone outside in a school clothes and gotten them dirty. My grandmother tore into me verbally, telling me how nasty of a little sh*t I was, and obviously I thought she was made of money, and that I obviously didn't care what happened to her so long as she took care of me. I didn't get it, all I knew is my grandmother was mad at me. But this continued. Occasionally, she'd take the broom handle and whack me one, which hurt, but I I just bowed my head and took it. The comments were the worst. Once, when I was a teenager, around fifteen years old, she got onto me because I was five minutes late coming home from a friend's house. "Oh, you're screwing everyone up the street, aren't ya?" This being screamed right in the middle of the road outside my house. "Bet you're just puttin' it all out there!" Then she gestures like she's fanning her crotch out to others, and makes the comment. " 'C'mon, boys, it's all nice and ready!' " I was bawling, telling her "NO, that's not true!" I was a virgin, and terrified of sex. When I was raped at three days before my 18th birthday, she actually got annoyed with me when the school called her to come up. She was taking me to the hospital, and in the car told me, "Well, if you were going to have sex, you shouldn't be trying to blame this young man. You're the one that opened your damned legs." Shortly thereafter, I attempted suicide for the first time.
When she died when I was 20, I thought, finally! I'm free of her! I'm free of her hateful comments, of her venom! But I started doing the same to others, and for many, many years, I've hated myself when I get mad and can't stop the things coming out of my mouth. I've been diagnosed with depression, Tourette's Syndrome (that was diagnosed at 12 years old, yeah, that wasn't fun...), and anxiety disorder. I have unreal levels of rage at myself when I don't get it, and actually hit myself violently when my emotions really get out of control. And I'm not talking little stuff, either. I've grabbed myself by the throat, wanting to kill myself. I've punched myself in the face (yes, that can be done). I've slapped, pinched, hit myself anywhere I could reach. I'm overweight in the extreme, and I'm sure it'll kill me before I'm in my 50's. I'm going on 39 in June. And the worst part is that I like to bite, and bite, and bite to cause pain. My poor fiancee's watched me do this and had to restrain me, and all I can do is scream and rage in frustration for not being able to hurt myself. I want to hit him and punch him for it, but I can hold myself back to that point. I can honestly say I've never hit anyone else, thank God! But this level of rage and venom is frightening, and any doctors I've gone to have only slapped it with medication and never looked to try to get the root of the issue out. I really think this is going to kill me one day, and while part of me says maybe that'd be a good thing, another part of me screams NO! I want to heal, I want to be happy, and most of all, I want to be free of this Godawful nightmarish need to hurt. Was I abused? Or am I just being stupid and blaming someone else for my twisted brain? I've been living with this all my life, and I truly am so tired of it. Can anyone help me out, here? Or am I in the wrong place. Again?