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Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

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Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby nothingtohide » Tue Mar 14, 2017 5:18 pm

I am committing a suicide of sorts.
Isn’t that what everyone is silently afraid of?

In order to be able to survive, I have to kill off a part of myself that is not me.

The part that has been physically beaten into me since childhood well into adulthood.

The part that was smashed against the kitchen cabinets as the dogs barked. The part that was told being raped was my fault because I act like such a whore. The part of me that helped pay part of your mortgage and never received a dime in kindness. The part of me you called a whore and slut at my wedding, in front of my children. The part of me that you forced to wear a hoodie over my wedding dress because it was too low cut. The part of me that accepts visits from people who rub in the fact that I can’t bear children, or that my children are somehow “less” because I didn’t birth them. The part of me that sat terrified as you put pieces of duct tape on my hair and pulled each piece off. The part of me crouched and crying as you sat on your bed and loudly listed all of the things that are wrong with me. The part of me that hates Disney World because of how you made sure to destroy my experience. The part of me that watched as you paid for my sister’s hair, nails, makeup and plane ticket to my wedding and didn’t help a cent. The part of me that couldn’t breathe in her own house because of all of the cleaning chemicals you made me use since age 8-because bleach was too dangerous for you. The part of you that always thought it was my fault. The part of me that has insomnia and constant recurrent stomach pain because the nightmares are flashbacks. The part of me that visits and calls out of obligation and fear. The part of me that believed I was a “worthless piece of $#%^”. The part of me you said was “overdramatic, making it all up for attention”. The part of me that grew up constantly sick because you kept animals in the house regardless of my allergies. The part of me terrified to tell my Dad of any instance of abuse because he will scream at me in a panic only long term denial can bring. The part of me afraid I will ruin your day if I bring any of this up.

Attention is the last thing I ever want from you.

The animals in the house were the only ones to truly witness and acknowledge what happened.

The part of me that tries to reach out and keep relationships with the abuser and her flock. The part of me that makes repeated apologies. The part of me that couldn’t believe my own mother would commit a smear campaign to all connected to me, including schoolyard friends. The part of me that sat silently listening to you tell teachers, other parents, anyone who would listen about your “disturbed child”. The part of me that tries way too hard and gives way too much of myself. The part of me that accepts the blame just to keep the peace.

Because, you see, C. The part of me is you. I am killing this relationship. I am ending this.

I have daughters of my own. I have never had the impulse to hit, demean, cut off completely arbitrarily, gaslight, or send into the bathroom until the bathtub is properly bleached. I have never had the impulse to put all of my issues on only one child. I have never had the impulse to spoil the other and convince her that the one child deserves every punishment. I have never left a chore list for just the oldest child that was in excess of two pages. I have never demanded they listen to my screaming phone calls at least twice a day. I never will talk to my daughter’s friends after they have a fight and tell them “just so you know, she’s sick in the head”. I will always respect their boundaries. I will always love unconditionally. Yes, you are sick. But you choose to be an asshole.

This part is also you, Sister. And also you, Dad.
You too are done. I’m done keeping a relationship based on guilt.
Taking her lead and cutting me off when she does because we can’t rock that boat.
Constant calls to demand I forgive and forget and apologize. Constant calls because the smear campaigns won’t stop. Constant calls because you two are too scared to stand up to her yourselves. Constant calls because my refusal to talk to her means she’s getting more “sick”. Constant calls because “you don’t realize what she’s going through because of you, it’s flaring up her arthritis!” and “I grew up in the same house. I know nothing bad happened” (even though I have a slew of text messages varying in threatening nature). Constant badgering because deep down, you are guilty. Apathy is life threatening when a child is abused. You may love me, but you truly don’t care. You are cowards, I can’t have cowards in my children’s life.

You were right about one thing, I am selfish. I have chosen the value of my life over your hunger for degradation. Because the mistake you constantly made was cutting me off. Because then I have time to think. Time to remember. Time to unlock and realize this wasn’t a movie I watched years ago, this is my life. I’m woke. There’s no going back to sleep. Unless I want to die. A life without you is a vacation I never want to return from. I offered therapy, you’re afraid. You’re afraid because you , me and God know the real person you are. Funny you successfully run a daycare. Not uncommon though.

They say not to pity your abuser, but I do. You’ll be dead one day. You’ll realize you wasted your entire life being angry at Nothing. Because that’s what I am and always will be to you: nothing.

So I am spending the last dollar I will ever spend on you. To block your number.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Mar 14, 2017 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Privacy and added TW
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby Terry E. » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:38 am

Wow, that really came from the heart. It is funny how although the story is not the same so many parts are.So many of us can identify with what you have written.

In my case I used to ask why. Was she a sadist yes, but why get married? Why have kids and why go to such incredible lengths to screw up there lives. In the end a pathetic old woman that the nursing home has finally worked out and stuck her in a dimensia ward to keep her away from normal people (that took them nearly 8 years - she had them spinning at the start). Such an empty pathetic life. I have given up asking and she is just a headcase to me. No love, no pity, no hate, I think of her as less than human.

Can I ask somethings and comment on others ?

nothingtohide wrote:
The part of me that grew up constantly sick because you kept animals in the house regardless of my allergies.
Do you think she was aware of your allergies ?

The part of me terrified to tell my Dad of any instance of abuse because he will scream at me in a panic only long term denial can bring. The part of me afraid I will ruin your day if I bring any of this up.

Funny how you will put up with crap to a point, because everyone else wants to be allowed to play happy families.



I have daughters of my own. I have never had the impulse to hit, demean, cut off completely arbitrarily, gaslight, or send into the bathroom until the bathtub is properly bleached. I have never had the impulse to put all of my issues on only one child. I have never had the impulse to spoil the other and convince her that the one child deserves every punishment. I have never left a chore list for just the oldest child that was in excess of two pages.

I have to ask, are you the older or younger daughter - my chores took me all free time every morning every afternoon, and all weekend. I always hoped if I could work faster, better I would get "me" time, but if that happened she just loaded on more. It was pretty soul destroying. Killing your child's youthful enthusiasm and joy, with crippling, mundane boredom.

I have never demanded they listen to my screaming phone calls at least twice a day.

ranting

I will always love unconditionally.

bet you will change, took me a long time

Yes, you are sick. But you choose to be an asshole.

well said





They say not to pity your abuser, but I do. You’ll be dead one day. You’ll realize you wasted your entire life being angry at Nothing. Because that’s what I am and always will be to you: nothing.

and you will be such a great mother to your children and supporter of all the things that are good int the world,

So I am spending the last dollar I will ever spend on you. To block your number.

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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby nothingtohide » Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:59 pm

My mom was 100% aware of my allergies. She used to not let me go to a house for play-dates if they had any pets. Her excuse was "They don't take the precautions like we do here."
Precautions= me vacuuming the entire house daily. She LOVED telling people about her sick child. Definitely Munchhausen's by proxy happening. I remember reading a Child Called It at around 12 and being freaked out, but not knowing why. I thought Munchhausen's was when you put bleach in a cereal bowl, like in the Eminem video. I grew into my late teens/early twenties with her putting me unwillingly on Zoloft and threatening on a weekly basis to sign me up for shock therapy or a weekend at the psych ward. For forgetting to unload the dishwasher.

All of the abuse was 80% mental/physical by proxy. The actual physical was done when it was just us in the house or my sister wasn't in the room. My sister to this day believes any punishment I got, I deserved. So now I'm 30 and extended family never stood up for me. As adults, my mother and sister have gone on over ten trips to Disney world without extending an invitation. Not so much for me, but it's her grand kids that get hurt the most. I remember a barrage of both of them calling me screaming because I posted on Facebook "Once again they're at Disney without me!" Like, how dare I say what's actually happening?

Yes, I'm the oldest. In my gut (I am a little clairvoyant) I know she had me and expected me to fix everything. But the idiot didn't realize babies are work and they take attention away from the mother. It's cool I laugh about it when I have to explain it. I think forced nihilism happens when you finally realize the pointlessness of it all. (Not in regard to me, in regard to why the hell bother keeping me, what are you proving?) As a really young kid I remember her vividly driving me somewhere crying and screaming that "You know, I don't have to be taking you to school. I could be with MY friends. I can't even go shopping without thinking of what YOU need."

I'm with you on the unconditional love. I meant that for my family. I don't consider her family. She's nothing to me. Her words have no meaning, in face, they are all predictable. The only time I've responded in six months was after a barrage that wouldn't stop centered around my youngest daughter's birthday. I said they were hurt when you iced them out for Christmas and valentine's day, any and all replies will be read aloud to dad.

I think right now what I'm struggling with most is I don't have a logical, healthy reason to keep in touch with either my Dad or my sister. Or extended family. Denial is huge but now I'm 30 and therapy-ed out. I've been going on and off since I was 18. Of the photos I've seen of myself as a kid (I've destroyed most because why keep triggers around), I don't understand why nobody reached out. My sister was always well kept in brand new outfits. My clothes were always a little too tight from extended wear. My hair was always a mess because I was too busy working all the time and I was always introduced to anyone with my latest punishment "Well, A's sulking today, say Hi A, because SOMEbody tried to get out of her chores so I had to cancel somebody's sleepover invitation". I barely talked and when I did, it was so awkward. I was always cowering (huge red flag for physical abuse). So as far as their relationship to my kids, I've almost completely kept them in a box. I check packages and mail before giving it to them. I've received maybe two presents from my sister in the past 10 years and up until a few years ago (getting married, joining finances, realizing how pointless that it) gave that girl presents for every holiday. But I grapple with anger and confusion when it comes to everyone else in the family, cousins included because the extended family was extremely close. They know she's sick. But at the same time, they'd rather me take it than them...as long as I don't kill myself(why is that the only threat that gets them off my ass about my obligations as a daughter). When they do call they try to convince me to go back and forgive and forget and mentally I say no, walk away. Physically I'm throwing up for a couple days after and get flashbacks. They let this happen. I can't respect them as human beings. I'm trying but the call blocker is a beautiful thing in the meantime.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for believing. I'm sorry you had to deal with it too. Glad she's now somebody that you used to know.
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:33 pm

I have a bad mother who mistreated me in very similar ways as you describe. I blame it on her being very immature because she married at 14 years and had my sister at 15. She only went to school till the sixth grade. Very backwards, if you ask me. I've had lots of therapy. I block her number, I stopped talking to her or seeing her unless it's a wedding and Thanksgiving. This year I will not allow her in my house even in Thanksgiving. I refuse to send any gifts to her because "I simply don't want to" and in my opinion she doesn't deserve any kind deed from me. These are my choices and I choose to be the adult here and decide what or who I want in my life. My brother tries to get me to call her, he got a reply out of me about that. If he continues he will follow suit as her. Block him out of our lives completely too. I have a sister and other brother who are good to me and they respect my decisions. I understand where you are coming from. I am at a point in life that I don't feel anger anymore, or hurt, or even pity her. I already know who she is and she won't change. I have come to that realization and conclusion. I am 42. I want to experience happiness in my life. And if it means having her out of my life then that's how it's going to be. I base my decisions on her behavior towards me and she is not a good person to me at all. Hugs if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby nothingtohide » Wed Mar 15, 2017 5:46 pm

Thank you so much for reaching out. This is such an amazing outlet and place to write it and be done with it. I'm sure you and everyone reading already knows, it feels good to preach to the choir on this stuff. Too often we get stopped mid sentence and get a speech on how "Motherhood is difficult", "you're hurting your family" or "You only have one mother". I'm always accepting and giving Hugs back so *HUG*!
I'm sorry your mom was that way too. Thank you for telling me about your sibling experience. The more I look around here I see people in similar situations and immediately think "ugh just cut them off". I need to take my own advice. The thing my mom, sister, and dad don't get is saying I Love You to me means nothing. They use it as a guilt tool, not a real expression. I have to remind myself that it's on me to break the cycle and part of it is not exposing my children to it if I can help it. I'm 30, I'm definitely a hands off self guided learning parent, but I can cut people out real quick (especially if they act nutty around them-zero tolerance).
I have a cousin whose mother is exactly the same. In fact, our moms are commiserating friends. They illicit sympathy for their "daughters leaving them to die alone". They both have other kids haha. She's been my ROCK, I'm so blessed to have someone I can forward screenshots to, and visa versa (sp?).
This regression in my progress admittedly came from me getting a phone call from my sister who hasn't called in three years. I thought enough time had passed for her to see me as an individual. I got caught in a 2 hour conversation (my youngest lost control of the cart in the grocery store parking lot during the call. that's a sign i should've hung up lol i feel Terrible about that). It started off fine but then I felt like I was talking to a more energized version of my mom. I set boundaries, but I definitely didn't have control or say in the conversation. I suppose that needed to happen before completing the final NC steps (facebook blocking messenger blocking, email blocking, instagram blocking etc). Wow even typing it is so validating.
Good for you putting your foot down for Thanksgiving! Seriously, life is too short.
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby Terry E. » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:46 am

nothingtohide wrote:Thank you so much for reaching out. This is such an amazing outlet and place to write it and be done with it. I'm sure you and everyone reading already knows, it feels good to preach to the choir on this stuff. Too often we get stopped mid sentence and get a speech on how "Motherhood is difficult", "you're hurting your family" or "You only have one mother".

..and the undertone is that the real problem must be us. Guess that is why we often never explain.

My mother in law thought I was being a bit precious about my mother. Eventually she lived in fear of meeting her socially. And that was "polite social interaction at family gatherings".

At the nursing home my wife tried to explain that I had a "difficult childhood" and that was met with "well I guess she did too". What makes someone feel they have an opinion that is worth sharing about people they had never met. (My grandparents were saints compared to her). Eventually the nursing home learned and she is now in the naughty corner.




This regression in my progress admittedly came from me getting a phone call from my sister who hasn't called in three years.

It happens, give it a little time, each stage you get better. It is the two steps forward one back path of healing.


They know she's sick. But at the same time, they'd rather me take it than them...as long as I don't kill myself(why is that the only threat that gets them off my ass about my obligations as a daughter). When they do call they try to convince me to go back and forgive and forget and mentally I say no, walk away. Physically I'm throwing up for a couple days after and get flashbacks. They let this happen. I can't respect them as human beings. I'm trying but the call blocker is a beautiful thing in the meantime.

I saw it with my father, grandparents, extended family, everyone. If the abuser offers some justification (she exaggerates - or they are lazy, or disturbed, what have you) they will prefer to accept it rather than face the truth. Are people, too weak, mentally lazy, stupid, naive, I kick that one around a lot.




and another question. How are your lungs and sense of smell?

In my thirties my lungs were pretty bad, but amazingly, I have looked after myself and they are now considered very good (for my age)
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:07 pm

nothingtohide,
It was very very hard for me to stop talking or seeing my mom because I always held out hope that she would change, somehow. My story is long and I won't go into all of it, but I talked things through for some years (5+ years) in therapy and at some point I kept asking the therapist how can I just stop talking to her or having to see her in my life??? My siblings will cast me off as a bad daughter. I don't know how to do this. I had so many fears of the repercussions of this for a long time. Time went on and I made a decision to remove her out of my life for several different reasons. One of them being that I am highly triggered by our bad relationship dealing with my bipolar and it sets me off into a depressive or manic stage. That gave me another reason to do what I felt was right for me.

My very good friend also gave me the guilt trip about "only having one mom." I didn't even bother with trying to defend myself because it was done indirectly and I would respond easily with "You are not in my shoes, you did not live my life for me and you have no idea what I went through, so please I just ask for a listening ear and not criticism for my choices in life." I feel strongly that I don't have to explain to others about my personal choices. Yes, sometimes I have doubts but I am just trying my best to live a good life and I feel better.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 4.5 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day

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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby mickey0212 » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:18 pm

nothingtohide sorry to hear your story. I was abused by my mother and my life improved a million percent when I broke all contact with her.

This (a song I wrote) is how I still feel about her:

http://bit.ly/2b4aqyd
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby nothingtohide » Sun Mar 19, 2017 3:51 am

@Terry
[/quote]

and another question. How are your lungs and sense of smell?

In my thirties my lungs were pretty bad, but amazingly, I have looked after myself and they are now considered very good (for my age)[/quote]

You're helping piece a very large puzzle together. My lungs are CRAP. I'm finally starting to get better with them, had to quit daily cingulair and breo-ellipta inhaler (heart palpitations they are both steroids). Now it's claritin daily and inhaler on hand at all times. Smell is oversensitive except when something's burning.

-- Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:55 pm --

quietgirl2538 wrote:nothingtohide,
It was very very hard for me to stop talking or seeing my mom because I always held out hope that she would change, somehow. My story is long and I won't go into all of it, but I talked things through for some years (5+ years) in therapy and at some point I kept asking the therapist how can I just stop talking to her or having to see her in my life??? My siblings will cast me off as a bad daughter. I don't know how to do this. I had so many fears of the repercussions of this for a long time. Time went on and I made a decision to remove her out of my life for several different reasons. One of them being that I am highly triggered by our bad relationship dealing with my bipolar and it sets me off into a depressive or manic stage. That gave me another reason to do what I felt was right for me.

My very good friend also gave me the guilt trip about "only having one mom." I didn't even bother with trying to defend myself because it was done indirectly and I would respond easily with "You are not in my shoes, you did not live my life for me and you have no idea what I went through, so please I just ask for a listening ear and not criticism for my choices in life." I feel strongly that I don't have to explain to others about my personal choices. Yes, sometimes I have doubts but I am just trying my best to live a good life and I feel better.



YES. I was forced into NC by her the first time and it opened a Pandora's box of stuff. And my life improved 1,000%. Then contact happened and slowly she wormed her way back in. She's a master manipulator. This time, it was me. We were NC with the exception of my kids but then she got weird with them and I didn't bother waiting for a response. I have to keep reminding myself that every aspect of life is better without her. Every time I talk to my dad or sister though, I end up getting new flashbacks that I never remembered before, and they hit vivid and hard. I guess the next step is to find a PTSD specialist. But sometimes I hate therapists because I've had a couple pull the "well you only have one mother" and it's really messed up my progress.
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Re: Prose I've Been Messing With. *TW*

Postby Terry E. » Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:29 am

The question is whether she understood what she was doing or was just stupid. The fact that the door was closed when you bleached and she was aware of your allergies, makes me lean towards knowing what she was doing.

Eat clean, exercise look after yourself and your lung tissue does improve (and do not smoke or be around smokers if you can avoid it)

Can I be honest. I know these flashbacks are really bad at the time and I say that from someone who has been there, but all that stuff is in you. It colors your life, it tightens you up, and reduces our range of how we live. Let it come, feel the pain, cry occasionally, understand it was never you, and you start to see yourself anew. It sounds corny but how you feel about the world will change.

Seeing your children grow will be hugely cathartic.

I survived it all by boxing it. When my work started to wind down I started to look at mental illness/abusers, and started to understand myself. Much better person now.

I also probably wore out google looking at research into Child Abusers. The clinical research stuff, not the forums like this. I found out how there are lots of us, and some very bad mothers out there. Somehow it made me feel better. Life did not seem so unfair, anymore and that these people go through such enormous work to try and find answers also helped.
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