The part of me that grew up constantly sick because you kept animals in the house regardless of my allergies.
Do you think she was aware of your allergies ?
The part of me terrified to tell my Dad of any instance of abuse because he will scream at me in a panic only long term denial can bring. The part of me afraid I will ruin your day if I bring any of this up.
Funny how you will put up with crap to a point, because everyone else wants to be allowed to play happy families.
I have daughters of my own. I have never had the impulse to hit, demean, cut off completely arbitrarily, gaslight, or send into the bathroom until the bathtub is properly bleached. I have never had the impulse to put all of my issues on only one child. I have never had the impulse to spoil the other and convince her that the one child deserves every punishment. I have never left a chore list for just the oldest child that was in excess of two pages.
I have to ask, are you the older or younger daughter - my chores took me all free time every morning every afternoon, and all weekend. I always hoped if I could work faster, better I would get "me" time, but if that happened she just loaded on more. It was pretty soul destroying. Killing your child's youthful enthusiasm and joy, with crippling, mundane boredom.
I have never demanded they listen to my screaming phone calls at least twice a day.
I will always love unconditionally.
bet you will change, took me a long time
Yes, you are sick. But you choose to be an asshole.
They say not to pity your abuser, but I do. You’ll be dead one day. You’ll realize you wasted your entire life being angry at Nothing. Because that’s what I am and always will be to you: nothing.
and you will be such a great mother to your children and supporter of all the things that are good int the world,
So I am spending the last dollar I will ever spend on you. To block your number.
nothingtohide wrote:Thank you so much for reaching out. This is such an amazing outlet and place to write it and be done with it. I'm sure you and everyone reading already knows, it feels good to preach to the choir on this stuff. Too often we get stopped mid sentence and get a speech on how "Motherhood is difficult", "you're hurting your family" or "You only have one mother".
..and the undertone is that the real problem must be us. Guess that is why we often never explain.
My mother in law thought I was being a bit precious about my mother. Eventually she lived in fear of meeting her socially. And that was "polite social interaction at family gatherings".
At the nursing home my wife tried to explain that I had a "difficult childhood" and that was met with "well I guess she did too". What makes someone feel they have an opinion that is worth sharing about people they had never met. (My grandparents were saints compared to her). Eventually the nursing home learned and she is now in the naughty corner.
This regression in my progress admittedly came from me getting a phone call from my sister who hasn't called in three years.
It happens, give it a little time, each stage you get better. It is the two steps forward one back path of healing.
They know she's sick. But at the same time, they'd rather me take it than them...as long as I don't kill myself(why is that the only threat that gets them off my ass about my obligations as a daughter). When they do call they try to convince me to go back and forgive and forget and mentally I say no, walk away. Physically I'm throwing up for a couple days after and get flashbacks. They let this happen. I can't respect them as human beings. I'm trying but the call blocker is a beautiful thing in the meantime.
I saw it with my father, grandparents, extended family, everyone. If the abuser offers some justification (she exaggerates - or they are lazy, or disturbed, what have you) they will prefer to accept it rather than face the truth. Are people, too weak, mentally lazy, stupid, naive, I kick that one around a lot.
It was very very hard for me to stop talking or seeing my mom because I always held out hope that she would change, somehow. My story is long and I won't go into all of it, but I talked things through for some years (5+ years) in therapy and at some point I kept asking the therapist how can I just stop talking to her or having to see her in my life??? My siblings will cast me off as a bad daughter. I don't know how to do this. I had so many fears of the repercussions of this for a long time. Time went on and I made a decision to remove her out of my life for several different reasons. One of them being that I am highly triggered by our bad relationship dealing with my bipolar and it sets me off into a depressive or manic stage. That gave me another reason to do what I felt was right for me.
My very good friend also gave me the guilt trip about "only having one mom." I didn't even bother with trying to defend myself because it was done indirectly and I would respond easily with "You are not in my shoes, you did not live my life for me and you have no idea what I went through, so please I just ask for a listening ear and not criticism for my choices in life." I feel strongly that I don't have to explain to others about my personal choices. Yes, sometimes I have doubts but I am just trying my best to live a good life and I feel better.
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