Hi. I'm new to the forums and I wanted to ask a question.
For some background: I'm a teen *mod edit*, and I've been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm an only child and I live with my parents (both of which are ministers) and my two dogs. I also have very low self-esteem, as most teens do.
My parents are nice people. They send me to nice private schools, I have enough food and clothes. They (usually) are very comforting when I am sad and have even let me go to therapy.
The behaviors I was wondering about were as follows:
Sometimes I have what I'm going to a "Panic Attack". It's not, I know, but I suppose they're...somewhat similar: sometimes I become extremely emotional, anxious and scared, usually with a small trigger. Sometimes, though, my parents get mad at me for getting so panicky, which makes me more panicky. I've talked to my therapist about it, and she talked to my dad about it, which seems to have helped a bit.
My mom as yelled at me a few times. I can only remember four times in my life. Anyway the times I remember were:
- When I was young, probably around 4, my mom was driving me home and she said something. Can't remember what. But I said "No!" in a slightly-louder-than-normal voice. My mom's response was to pull over the car and yell at me. I've been scared since. (As a side note, I think told my mom about this about a decade later and I think she apologized. Maybe. I have a bad memory.)
- I might have been around 11 and I was in the bathroom, using the sink, talking to myself (something I've always done). My mom was nearby and she overheard me. She must have misheard something, because she yelled at me demanding to know if I used a swear word. I did convince her I didn't and receive no punishment, but I've been scared to swear ever since.
- This one I remember a bit vaguely, but I think my parents and I went to a party as a friend's and I was apparently being rude. Afterwords my mom yelled at me for it. I'm still scared of being "rude" after any social gathering after that (though usually I seem to do okay).
- More recently, perhaps a year ago, I was in the parking lot of my church with my mom. I was bothering her about something, probably something to do with the fact I don't like going to church. At some point during our conversation, she said something like:
"You know, [my name] - my world doesn't revolve around you."
"I know, but-"
"No, I don't think you do!"
- And proceeded to yell at me. I think she later said that she was under some stress from something that happened that day.
Also, as a side note, apparently I do this thing where I agree to something without realizing it. For example, my mom (sometimes this happens with my dad, but not as often) might ask me if I want scrambled eggs. I am playing a game on my computer, and I say "yes" without realizing it. My mom makes the eggs and gives them to me. I see the eggs and say I don't want scrambled eggs. May moms says "But you said you wanted!" We have tried things to prevent it, but nothing works. Mom even suggested that I tell my therapist about it. I'm bringing it up because I'm wondering if it's possible this is a form of gaslighting? Probably not.
I doubt this was intentional on my parent's part, but I feel almost...dependent on my parents. Even if I don't like them all that much, I notice I feel the need justify them, and like I won't be able to survive the adult world. Heck, I even feel bad for writing this, because I'm probably making them sound worse than they are.
So, what do you think? Am I overreacting or am I being abused?