Our partner

Psuedo Supportive Mother

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

Moderators: seabreezeblue, Terry E.

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

Psuedo Supportive Mother

Postby LabrynthLynn » Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:14 am

I have realized that I live in a broken home since I graduated in 2014. I am now 20 and in college, but I live at home and am reliant on my mother for my basic needs.
I have a father who is an addict and its taken me a couple years or so to mentally and emotionally process his affect on me as a child. Now I accept the way he is and I keep him at a distance.
Recently Ive had anxiety when I go to school and have had dreams in relation to my mom where she discounts my feelings in serious situations such as my physical body dying and I am trying to save it, or I am trying to be rid of corpses but she calls me dramatic.
Ive also become more aware of her behavior recently when I request a change in routine/chores and she yells at me, throws accusations at me, and pushes me to the point of anger or sadness- then points at how unstable and unpleasant I am.
I have always relied on her to confide in and have believed the lie that she is a reliable and good mother.
Now I feel unsafe emotionally and maybe even physically. My loan money (refunds) she has used to pay for the family car and wants to move out with me using it- to get away from my father who is also a reliant as he had a stroke. I dont feel comfortable with her using that money, I have received grants and scholarships that would sufficiently pay for my tuition. If I chose to have loans I would use less of it. When i told her I am uncomfortable she wanted to kick me out. Now that has sort of simmered down and we are sticking to her plan. She says she'll pay it back but she doesnt show signs of improving her finances and I have a strange feeling she might try to tie me down to her with it.
I dont feel independent or strong enough to get myself out of the situation primarily by the grief of my realizations about our true dynamics. Watching informative videos I have realized that she uses intermittent behavioral conditioning on me. She provides for my emotional and physical needs at random times and most of the time I am starving emotionally (though I never physically starve).
I know that what I want/need is interdependent relationships where I am unconditionally accepted and loved for who I am, and my needs are provided for (at least the ones dependent on others such as connection and comfort) by a variety of people. But besides my relationship with my mom and a few friends I interact with, mostly digitally, I am isolated.
I know that this is not true- but I feel that I am betraying my mom if I leave, and I feel like I am letting go of something I need- even though I know that my needs are not really provided for.
I just need advice or insight, I feel lost and alone.
LabrynthLynn
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2017 11:50 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Psuedo Supportive Mother

Postby Terry E. » Mon Jan 16, 2017 2:53 am

You sound very lost.

To move forward from Child Abuse (if you forget the emotional I think you may qualify on the neglect) without guidance from a therapist is to become self aware. This happens to us at different stages, and in itself it may come in stages. First understanding your needs are not met and you must take action, and secondly later, the "how" of how those needs are not met. If in the first instance the initial awareness raised your functioning capacity, then the second part may never even come. Many survivors leave the lid on that box shut until they die.

I think you have reached the first stage. You are aware of the problems and that as an adult you need to take charge of the situation. Next is you need to plan.

That may be as simple as taking better control of the money you have available and resisting your mums attempts to prioritise her needs over yours.

Not going to be easy, but think it through and you can deal with it better. If she does this then you can either do 'x' or 'y'. If you consider your options and the outcomes, you deal with them better as you have emotionally faced the fallout before it becomes real.

Take care, not easy for you, I wish you had extended family or friends to talk this over with, but sometimes we must take care of our own destiny.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1264
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:36 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Psuedo Supportive Mother

Postby LabrynthLynn » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:01 am

I do feel very lost, but I guess this first stage may do that to me because its shocking and even traumatizing to realize. But I plan to be an Art Therapist -that's what I am in school for- and I am interested in how the mind works, both in myself and others. I will make sure I face this issue in full eventually.
On the topic of taking action I know that I need/will need to but I am too heartbroken to do so yet. I am used to leaving the technical planning to my mom.
But I am getting better... Today I am realizing that I feel intruded on, and she does literally barge in my room without knocking. But really its an internal invasion. I have let her switch around and put her name on parts of me, being entitled to them. In reality, she didnt switch it around- I did. I did it as a child to feel validated and like a good person. I wasn't shown unconditional love so I adapted to get love in the way that was provided- conditionally.
I have shown to naturally be self-motivated when I was younger. But in this dynamic I have become reliant on her. So I will take the steps in observing my thoughts and questioning them so that my true traits/beliefs are present. I did this with my dad and have managed to heal, so Im sure I can with her!
I just have fears of things like her kicking me out if I say certain things, or if I let fear paralyze me past an event such as her using my money. But I am prone to anxiety if I over-analyze, so I will do my best with where I am. I like to work on my internal experience before my external because if I am not clear on how I feel, or what I believe then how are my actions going to be a success? If I feel desperate Ill make rash decisions!
I need help from people but I dont know where to turn, Ill keep my eye out for help though! And thats why I posted on here.
Thanks for your reply. Having the internet is literally a life saver. I wouldn't know what I know or interact with people like you if it weren't for it! :D
LabrynthLynn
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2017 11:50 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Psuedo Supportive Mother

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jan 17, 2017 4:27 am

Once you reach this point it gets better. You were at a critical junction in your life. You are now self aware. You are looking after yourself. You can play the game (you now understand the rules better) and I really hope it all turns out well for you. Drop in from time to time.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1264
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:36 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Psuedo Supportive Mother

Postby LabrynthLynn » Wed Jan 18, 2017 3:03 am

Thanks, I will! :D
LabrynthLynn
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2017 11:50 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Child Abuse Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: XiaoXiaoManac and 17 guests

cron