Molested as a child and having some trouble as a 21 year old

Warning Graphic: I'm not even sure if this is considered child abuse but when I was 7 I was staying for at my aunts house when my uncle sat beside me as we all ate. Soon my aunt and all my cousins left the room and it was just me and my uncle. He started to touch my hand and used it to stroke his penis. I was petrified and my heart was beating so fast and I was so scared. He got up and started kissing me on the lips and I was still silent and I didn't do anything. He told me to sleep with him for the night. When he left the room and I ran to my aunt and told her what happened. I felt sick and I just wanted to not exist in this world when that happened.i also remember faint memories from when I was 5 or 6 and another family member entered my room while I was coloring and starting stroking my back. He then made his way down my pants and started stroking my private parts for a long time. I was so stupid I still kept coloring. I'm 21 years old and I've never had a boyfriend. Everytime I'm alone with a guy that feeling of helplessness comes rushing back and I run as fast as I can. Someone help or atleast tell me if anyone is going through something similar.

Hi Victoria

Thanks so much for posting your story. It takes bravery to share these things.

The things that happened to you were abuse and your response to them wasn't stupid - you didn't do anything wrong. You were a child and didn't know how to deal with something so disturbing and frightening - you shouldn't have had to find a way to cope with it, so please don't be too hard on yourself for not doing enough. You did the best you could.

I'm really sorry this stuff happened to you - it wasn't fair and you didn't deserve it. No child does. It's also really tragic that someone else's actions are having an impact on your life now and I was sorry to hear about what's been happening when you've been alone with a guy. That must be hard.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff? In my experience the way through is by talking about how you felt about your abuser and yourself so that healing can take place. There are survivors' groups or you could try therapy if you can afford it? People can and do heal from abuse.

You're not alone in your struggles and I really do understand deeply how much abuse like this can hurt. Please do take care of yourself.

Lisa

Thanks for replying Lisa,

I don't really have anybody to talk to about this, when it happened and I told my mother she just never brought it up ever again and to this day she never says anything. This is the first time even I have talked about it. I'm just scared all the time that I will never be able to put it behind me. It happened 15 years ago and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I guess in hindsight all I feel is numbness and indifference to what happened. I'm no longer angry or sad. Just indifference and it is my indifference that scares me. I guess I've thought about it so much for so many years and it still replays in my mind over and over again that I have grown desensitized to it. I'm scared I'm never going to find a man who doesn't make me uncomfortable and scared. The thought of being with a guy, and being alone with him on dates terrifies me.

Hi Victoria

I haven't been on here for a few days so I hope I'm not too late to reply. It sounds really hard that your mother didn't respond and support you. I can imagine how crushing that might have felt.

It is obviously on your mind a lot and making a big impact on your life. I think it's a big thing that you're carrying with you and the numbness is maybe masking your feelings because you haven't got the space in your life to deal with them.

It might be worth having a look at NAPAC's website - I live in the UK and they help people based in the UK, but even if you don't it might be worth looking at their resources to see if anything is helpful and help you feel that you aren't alone and your problems are real and important.

I was sorry to hear that you don't have anyone to talk to about something so important - I don't know if something like blogging might help as a way of telling your story? Or keeping a journal?

I also have experienced the conflict between wanting to find a partner and being scared and triggered by intimate contact with a partner. It's really hard and painful because we have a need for closeness which is really important. It's really ok and natural to have these feelings. I think there is hope that things can get better with time and trust between you and the other person and you might not always feel this way.

I feel really moved by your experience and I feel like there is so little I can do - I'd really like to reach out and give you a hug, although I know that wouldn't really be enough either. In any case you're not alone and people are reading your message and hearing you and probably many have similar experiences.

Look after yourself and take care,

Lisa