How to find a way to my family and not to be abused?

Here is my story:

I had a nervous breakdown in my 17s. Since that I suffered from depression and anxiety. It happened in the last year of high school, I was very stressed because of my school leaving exams. I really wanted to succeed and leave home. My father was very agressive towards me, when I was younger he used to hit me. Only me, never my mother or brother. When I was complaining to my mother she told me that it had been my fault and I should stop to provoke him. I was hited because he found out that the window in my room is not open, another time it was open, or there was a smelling-stick in my room. My parents used to tell me how much money it is to feed me and to take care of me. My father has never worked, he has a social support but he told me that I will have to give him everything back in the future. Only my mother works.

Because of my diagnosis it was very hard for me at the university, but I finished it succesfully. My depression was cured 3 years ago. But during last year of the university, I started to suffer from chronical fatique. I decided to have a gap year and then to continue my PhD. During gap year, I was working, travelling, living with my boyfriend in another city. So my parents did not have to give me money. Also during my studies I had stipendium and I was travelling home once a month. My mother was given as much money as my stipendium was as a plus to her salary, a child support as I was still a student. She told me she spends it all on me (during those two or four days per month when I was at home).

Now I am at home for four months, waiting for my entry exams. During this time I found myself a half-time job.

My father also had a nervous breakdown 25 years ago and since then he is treated as a psychiatry patient. He told he cannot work because of his illness, he is at home sitting in front of the computer. He told he has too many health problems to think about a job. He started a university before his breakdown for three times, but never passed through first semester of college. He tried to work but from the firs job he runned away after three days, and now he found a job for 10 months - administration in our hometown. During this time he was visiting psychiatry, psychologists, bought many medicaments and was asking his doctor friend for special treatment. He was too stressed from work, but wanted to keep it as it was kind of the money-for-nothing.

I have a big problem with him. I had an urinary bladder inflammation, was sitting whole night in the bath as it hurted me so much. I asked him to take me to doctor. He told me there is no inflammation, that it is only in my mind and that I suffer from neurosis. Last time after antibiotic treatment my sleep went so bad that I was sleeping like 4 hours per day. I hoped it will get better spontaneously so I waited for 3 weeks to visit a doctor. I am taking antidepressant to cure my fatique, and my doctor told me that it is normal that an infection can cause a temporary complications. She told me she is surprised that I look so good and have only fatique problem without any mental complications. When I got home and told it to my father, his statement was that I am a hypochonder, giving too much attention to my illness, and that he thinks even the doctor cannot believe me anymore. That it is all in my sick mind.

He persuaded me that I am a seriosuly mentally ill person (he bought a book about mental illnesess and told me it is like he was reading about me). Please, can someone tell me how to find a way to my family? Not to be treated like an invander?

I can only make judgement on what you have written. So the more open and honest you have been the better will be my response.

In my life I have seen many people with many issues, struggle to fit in within the confines of modern society. You appear to be doing an admirable job. You appear to have been given less than an "even break" , yet still are working hard to reach your potential and find happiness and contentment.

Regrettably for whatever reason your father appears to have failed to find either. He appears to be damaged but without the desire or tools to remedy it. I suggest if you were able to peel back his many layers, you may find some personality issues that have prevented him "fitting in" or an occurrence or group of occurrences that have lead him to where he is. He also appears comfortable where he is. Not happy, but too comfortable to force change.

When living with someone like this, it is incredibly hard to stay grounded. While you wait for entry back to study, look after yourself, listen to others, try and find support else where through friends work colleagues etc. You don't need to confide in others about your life to get support, but knowing that you fit in, will reinforce that it is your father not you , who is out of step.

Keep on your path, but don't ever think your parents can change. It is possible, but so are aliens landing in your back yard.

Really, you are doing very well, in a very hard situation, just keep going.

Today he came into my room that he has to talk to me. He noticed that for last two months I am going down and that he read a book, where there were all my symptoms and that he wants to help me.

The thing is, that for last two weeks I had a problem with sleeping. I was sleeping 4 hours per night and two per afternoon, but in between I was learning or cleaning or so. So he came and told me what kind of psychiatric illness I have and that it was foolish to go and visit a doctor because he has medicaments for this diagnosis. And he knows it better than doctors, because when he was hospitalized in psychiatric clinic for two months, no psychologist was able to break him. And that he made a daily plan for me, where he will cut my room off the electricity. I will have to ask him for the electricity in the time when I want to learn, but only in the afternoon.

I started to cry because this was completely crazy. He started to smile at me that he is just a father who wants to help his mentally ill daughter. I am completely desperate.It is against logic, whenever I had a problem they ignored me, when my father was lying depressed in the bed I was talking to him to make him feel better and now he is acting to me like I am not even able to put a spoon with soup to my mouth.

I was trying to explain everything to him, but he was smiling that I am a liar. I am afraid I will really go mad.

You need to get out of there. Look for alternatives, friends relatives, but that crosses the line.

Find a way out. If need be forget study, work more, when you are back on your feet go back to study.

Absolutely agree with Terry E on this..

This sounds incredibly worrying to me due to the fact that he's talking about giving you medications that aren't prescribed for you.
He and you have no way of knowing if they're okay and compatible with your body..

Has he given you any at all or is it just something that he mentioned.?

He definitely appears to need a bit of help atm and sounds really unwell.. please try and find somewhere else to stay for a while and please tell everyone you know what's going on.
It may well be that your Dad needs a med adjustment or something but he definitely could do with a checkup.

xx

In those post I am very sincere with you because I do not want to make victim out of me, I am just looking for solution. I have never been looking at my situation as something super horrible, but bearable. But it came to the state where I feel something bad can happen to me, like when I was 17. I was working hard to make my life better.

I totally agree with you, that it would be better for me to leave. But it is so hard. They will make me feel guilty and ashamed. They will consider it as an act of my immaturity.

I did not take the medicaments, I have a very good doctor I can trust to.

Both of my parents and brother live like a family. They help each other, talk to each other and so. I am the only one in the family who was grown up without such support, even when I was ill. I am the only one who finished university. I traveled abroad alone to different countries 3 times for 2 motnhs. I am writing this not to celebrate myself, but to point out the fact that my father wants to cut my room off the electricity because he finds me incopetent to organize my day after two weeks of irregular sleeping.

It sounds so crazy when I am writing all this down. Thank you for all your opinions and time you spent reading my story. For your supportive words. I was trying hard to understand them, but maybe it is really time for me to leave.

Thank you

My boyfriend sees it as a third part and he told me, that my family just do not believe I have any kind of illness. For them I am just a lazy person who refuse to work. That I am unable to take care of myself.

He sees for my mother it means nothing that I finished university, and that the jobs I have had are not good enough. That the fact I asked for a 4 months to stay at home with a half-time job just approves all of this.

It does not matter that I did not ask for they support for 6 years since I was 18, in their eyes I am a little dumb naive girl.

I was working hard under all this pressure. I choose one year break which I paid for. Not supported 25 as my father did. I do not want to judge him. I just feel it is not fair. Now I understand why I felt guilty all this time, why I feel all this pressure, feel that I do not deserve anything and that I am less than others.

No matter how hard I am trying to explain what I am doing, what I will do and what are my intentions.

I think the fact that you didn't ask for support for 6 years since you were 18 is a sign of a really determined and strong person.
Sometimes it's better to ask for help but the fact that you managed on your own means that you're definitely not dumb or naive.
Plus you finished university - that's a massive achievement and not to be underestimated

I think leaving there is a really good idea.. I hope your dad gets the help he needs but you're important here.

How have things been since you last posted.?

hugs to you if you'd like them.

xx

Thank everyone for patience and time spended reading my story. And for your words.

I spent whole week with my boyfriend, who knows everything and is very supportive.

I was thinking about all of this. About words my father said, I absolutely believe every word he said. I feel like I am really not capable of anything, even how to manage my day and electricity use. And that is the problem. I feel so guilty that I left and did not follow his orders. I know rationally how foolish it would have been, but I am very stressed anyway.

As you said, I have to make a borderline. A strong emotional borderline. I believe, I will stop to be so stressed and will have a better relationship with them. Maybe that causes my emotional weakness, I do not know. I need to do something with it.

Your father is a wannabe, lazy, inconclusive person that need to reflect his reality to someone else.
It seems this creates a work and efficiency machine. You

More often I have seen these persons in families to be costantly stabbed at by the wife etc.
In your family your mother decided to give in to him and both use you as a whipping-boy.
But you must laugh or rebel against that, not the opposite.
He has lost the perception of reality and all family follow him, very insane, he can do that because at least in the family he has the opportunity to make living his mental system conflicting with society. He need a forced staying in hospital or clinic.

Moreover your have to inform services, social assistants or whatever and alarm them on the situation.
You have some rights because you are their daughter.

The fact that you exchange one disorder with another happen when the doctor focus on symptoms and not on trigger factor.
Moreover doctors cant leave out physical cause and if you live in these conditions...

In addition I can see you would love your parents and you are torn between accepting their anaffective symptoms like were true guidlines or leave them behind.