It's taken me a long time to come to this part of the forum.

It took me ages to click on the 'abuse' part of this forum.
I may as well just say it:

I was sexually abused as a child. I have been told numerous times by different Drs and psychiatrists that it is the reason for my Borderline diagnosis. They say I have full mental capacity, and Borderline isn't organic, as some personality/MH problems are, but I still suffer with it.

I have recently been to court against one man who sexually assaulted me. It took over 2 years to actually come to a trial date. On the day of the trial, he changed his plea to "guilty". Had he done this on his original pre-trial, months ago, he could have saved me a lot of stress and trauma. He will not get anything taken off his sentence for changing his plea on the day, he would have had it pleaded guilty at pre-trial.

I was glad I didn't have to stand up in court. My statements were taken by video, to be played in court, yet I still would have had to take the stand to be cross examined by his defence.
In the end, the police had done an excellent job and the case against him was just too strong. His barrister would have advised him to plead guilty. He did not do it to save me any more trauma.

That as maybe, it's still here. I still have to try and cope living with it. None of that has changed.

It scares me.

Hi there. I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. You didn't deserve this abuse. And none of it is your fault in the least.
I applaud you for having the courage to reach out here for support.
I am an abuse survivor of many types of abuse throughout my life as well.
You are heard, cared about, validated, and supported.
Blessings to you. If you need or want to talk, I'm here.

Well done, I applaud your courage and determination, and am so glad you received the appropriate support from the police. I cannot imagine how hard it must be.

Look after yourself, now and take care

Thank you for replying, and the kind things you say.
What is driving me crazy (or it feels like) is that, despite everything, and despite it being years ago, I still think of it every day and get that cold feeling of fear all over my skin and in my stomach and I can't help but start to get anxious, which ends up being completely debilitating. I don't know what to do or where to go or when. I can't make decisions, and if I do they are usually bad ones.
I hate it.
I hate the way it rules and ruins my life.
I'm not gonna write anymore cos I don't want to trigger thinking about it more.

Thanks again though, I really appreciate it

-- Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:50 am --

Thank you for replying, and the kind things you say.
What is driving me crazy (or it feels like) is that, despite everything, and despite it being years ago, I still think of it every day and get that cold feeling of fear all over my skin and in my stomach and I can't help but start to get anxious, which ends up being completely debilitating. I don't know what to do or where to go or when. I can't make decisions, and if I do they are usually bad ones.
I hate it.
I hate the way it rules and ruins my life.
I'm not gonna write anymore cos I don't want to trigger thinking about it more.

Thanks again though, I really appreciate it

chloemyangel wrote:Thank you for replying, and the kind things you say.
What is driving me crazy (or it feels like) is that, despite everything, and despite it being years ago, I still think of it every day and get that cold feeling of fear all over my skin and in my stomach and I can't help but start to get anxious, which ends up being completely debilitating. I don't know what to do or where to go or when. I can't make decisions, and if I do they are usually bad ones.
I hate it.
I hate the way it rules and ruins my life.
I'm not gonna write anymore cos I don't want to trigger thinking about it more.

Thanks again though, I really appreciate it

-- Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:50 am --

Thank you for replying, and the kind things you say.
What is driving me crazy (or it feels like) is that, despite everything, and despite it being years ago, I still think of it every day and get that cold feeling of fear all over my skin and in my stomach and I can't help but start to get anxious, which ends up being completely debilitating. I don't know what to do or where to go or when. I can't make decisions, and if I do they are usually bad ones.
I hate it.
I hate the way it rules and ruins my life.
I'm not gonna write anymore cos I don't want to trigger thinking about it more.

Thanks again though, I really appreciate it

You're very welcome dear. I know. I have these same issues. It's part of my PTSD and other issues. You're not alone. Blessings and support to you.
Our stories are different and the same. I have my story posted in my signature below.
It's scary because now it's 'in the open' but it's also empowering because I have my voice.
Anyway, blessings.

One of the things that has helped me enormously was coming here. I for so very long had a feeling no one cared. I remember when things would go wrong for others, trying to comfort them but telling them that no one cares.. (not very helpful), was very cynical and at times extremely cold,

giving voice to my pain and being with and around others has simply put that to bed. The reality a lot of people would care if they actually understood what we have been through, but I don't think there is a topic that is so hard for people to deal with as child abuse or understand the damage it causes.

so what helped me was learning all about the symptoms of "Child abuse survivor PTSD", which was hard at first, as I found out my individual personality was mainly my symptoms, .. oh well. Understanding those symptoms has made me realise why I got fired 4 times in 6 years, (even though I was an outstanding professional -eventually had to become self employed and that worked), why I took stupid risks, not guy get drunk, dare risks, but really stupid risks, "tell a guy with a baseball bat in a robbery to piss off" why I don't enjoy parties, large groups, sudden noises, and have always had nightmares, .. BUT knowing this helps me, as I now am more comfortable in my own skin, as I know why I feel this way.

the thing is since being here I am more settled, the nightmares have stopped, been almost a year, (they were 2-4 a year) and it was always a variation of the same nightmare always featuring my mother, for now they have stopped

so I cannot offer you much, I really wish I could help you so much more, especially with the courage you showed, but we are here and you will always be understood here

take care