My niece is a bully!

My young niece is apparently verbally bullying kids at school. Her parents have been punishing her more and more severely for it, but I am wondering if anybody has better advice. What do I do if the kid I love like my own is a bully? How can I show her that bullying is wrong?

Hiya..

From my own experience as a parent of a child who has been severely bullied.. as well as the fact that i was severely bullied myself at school..

To be honest, I don't think that punishing a child for bullying will work.. it will simply make them resent both the child and their parents.


My advice here would be to talk to her and ask her exactly what's going on and why she has a problem with the child that she's been horrible to..

It should be explained to her that the other child is clearly upset and hurting because of all of this and she doesn't deserve that.

I think that a good dose (gently and age appropriate) of reality might be the key here..
Show her other peoples problems.. explain to her that she's very lucky to have friends and ask her to remember and explain to you the last time that someone was horrible to her.. ask her how that made her feel then ask her how she thinks she's making the other child feel.

The only way you'll get through to her is by humanising the other child and showing her the things they have in common.

If the other child and her parents are willing, fix up a playdate at a local park for the pair of them..

Get your niece to make an apology card for the other child and buy a small present for her..
all these things will make your niece start seeing the other child as important and will teach her valuable empathy skills.

Lastly.. what are the school doing..?

Thank you for your response, I will try that. So far the punishments have been ineffective as she seem to think it is funny, but nobody knew what else to do. The school sent a letter home to us, that is how we found out, and this school has a reputation for expelling bullies, so if we do not solve this, the school will handle it its own way.
I will try to do what I can, as I am only the uncle and do not have much control, but I hope this can get solved. It just breaks my heart to see somebody I love like my own child act in such a way.

If your niece thinks it's funny to bully her peers and punishments are treated like a joke, then I don't think she's going to stop. Unless you get some therapy for her quite soon. Find out why she's doing this; her parents treat her well? Safe environment at home and all that? Is she just bored? Does she have her own friends?

As for explaining how her actions are hurting others, as suggested by Sceptical, that's certainly an option. But get her integrated into the conversation. You pose it as a lecture, and she will NOT listen to word you say. I think you should constantly remind her that she will not get in trouble if she simply tells you the truth (if she isn't responding to any questions). Patience would be key here.

Presents, apology letters and playdates unfortunately, may be out of a question. I would know. I went through this type of song and dance in 4th grade, and once I found out the girls that wrote me heartfelt notes saying how sorry they were for hurting my feelings, and letting me hang out with them in school afterwards, and letting me participate in their conversations were just lying to placate their parents and teachers, I was more than devastated. I was still a freak in their eyes, and no matter what form of punishment they received, or any way of making "amends" was going to change that. In fact, you could say the parents and teachers forcing those girls to write me a note and give me a present made them resent me even MORE!

Bottom line: This is not a situation to gamble with a bully victim's trust. Believe me.

She's still young. Getting her to understand empathy may be possible, but perhaps actual therapy would do some good.

She had a ruff life before she moved here with her grandparents and all, which is where we think she learned to act in such a way. I have been told to stay out of it for reasons I can not understand as "you are not her parent!" even though I was just tried to discuss it with them, though I guess my sister never liked me anyway. I have babysat her quite a few times for free though, and when a little kid too short to even look over the counter looks you in the eyes and say "I wuv you !" It really tugs at the heart strings. How can I pull away? How can one be expected not to be involved in that child's life!?