Just a little background about me: I have had bulimia since I was 16 (I am 23 now). There have been times when I have successfully lost and gained hundreds of pounds. In between those great "loses and gains" I have been keeping the weight by compensatory behaviors, such as overexercising and starving myself. I have been usually going about four days binging (and sometimes purgning myself), and then about 3-4 days extreme starvation and working out till I pass out.
Now back to my topic- Is love possible with bulimia? Does this disorder allow us to experience love fully, and openly the way we deserve?
I do not believe so. I have had 5 somewhat serious relationships in the past, and just last month I realized that ALL of them ended because of something related to my disorder. It had either been secrecy, anxiety and fear of gaining weight, negative emotions related to my misery and other factors. Not all of these previous relationships had a potential to develop into something more serious, possibly long lasting. About 5 months ago though, I met HIM. And even though the word "HIM" might be overrated, i truly believe that this might be the guy for me, the person I would easily be willing to spend the rest of my life with. The only problem so far? The skeletons in my closet - those that make me preoccupied with my weight and food, my bulimia. As much as I love our relationship and all the great things we do together, it is very exhausting. We see each other, do fun activities, go to have dinner, have sex, and then either do more fun stuff the next day (if its a weekend) or we say goodbyes and go to work. Or he goes to work. My job doesnt start till later so what do I do? I do my "drive-thru runs" (at least 3 different fast foods), go home and binge. Then go to work, think about food all day, get home and...binge. This repeats itself for next two days. Meanwhile, my guy is texting me that he wants to see me again. Uhm, so soon? Damn it. Well, I am sorry babe, stuff came up...I have an emergency meeting. I am sick. My friend is leaving town...All the excuses I usually come up with are so dumb and I feel extremely guilty. So, usually after cancelling my date with him, I sit home, on the floor of my bedroom, binging myself, crying, then vomiting...promising myself I wont ever do it again. Then the starving starts the next morning- the next two days are going to be hell. I am going to be starving myself, overexercising, popping water and caffeine pills, going to sauna and praying that I "de-puff" at least little bit before I see him. I actually became very good at this. I can positively say that in a week, I can lose about 10-15 pounds and feel like a rockstar...but then I am going to gain it all again (after our date of course) and the cycle begins AGAIN. I hate myself, I hate my disease, and I hate that I am destroying something so beautiful like our relationship- because as I noticed couple weeks ago, I feel he is starting to see a patern and is NOT happy about it. Hes beginning to be annoyed...
Do you have a similar problem? How is bulimia affecting your love life? Have you found any ways to combine those two?
Thanks for sharing.