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I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

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I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby loa243 » Sat May 22, 2010 3:59 am

Hi Everyone,

I am currently struggling with this ugly cycle that has grabbed me by the throat and pushed my head down the toilet. To give you a little history, I am the type of person who has been known to be strong minded and also just quit smoking three months ago. I do not currently have any drug or alcohol problems, in graduate school, work part-time, and tend to purge after my day is over.

I recently brought this problem up with my psychologist and she has been talking with me about it for the last three sessions. Yes, it felt good to talk about it, but is not helping me get better as far as I can tell. I started back in November or 2006 when I started dating a guy who I felt would only like me if I were in great shape. So, as soon as I reached my ideal weight, it was close to Thanksgiving. My mom is a wonderful cook and I ate her stuffing along with the other goodies. I freaked out and thought to myself that I am going to get fat again! I am 5'5 and weighed 128lbs. at that time. My weight before that was 145lbs. and had a lot of fear of getting back to that. So, I tried to throw the Thanksgiving meal up and it worked. I continued to do this for the next month before I saw him on NYE. Well, it stuck with me after we broke up a year later as it served a pleasure for me. I missed eating these foods and would "treat" myself once a week, but then thought, "Oh NO! I am going to get fat" and would purge. Well, it is now 2010 and for the past month I have been throwing up for 14 days of this month...I am scared as I don't know how to control it anymore!

Does anyone have any tips into what else I can do? I have contacted support groups and they are full at the moment. I am on a waiting list, but need help setting goals and working through them daily!
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby Chucky » Sat May 22, 2010 8:52 pm

Heya,

My eating problem began at Christmas-time too, but it was before 2006 as far as I can recall. I've been up and down with it then - i.e. sometimes being able to eat well, while othesr not so. Right now, Ibinge and purge every three or so days. Do you do it everyday? - If I did that, i'd be in a terrible state I think. I'd ideally like to get to once per week, but I'm nowhnere near that right now. I guess the only thing I can say to you to help is to not feel as if having this 'illness' makes you a bad person. I learned to accept things the way they are and that helped me to control my eating pattern (which allowed me to only get to doing it once every three or so days).

Ive had therapy to help me with my OCD, but she tried to help me with my eating too (but to no avail).

Good luck my friend,
Kevin
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby skydancer » Mon May 24, 2010 12:22 am

Hey

I reached a point where i was purging after every meal, even if i wasn't binging, just eating normally, i couldn't stand anything in my body at all. I was completely void of nourishment, emotions ... life.

It was a strange place although it felt good. So many problems, flashbacks, etc that nothingness was like a protection. The only way to continue "living" in this World although it was not living ... just existing ... barely.

I desperately wanted to change. I tried making some new rules. Like i could only purge if i had eaten take-away/ junk food or too much.

It worked for awhile but then i started to feel full again and the feelings came back. Then i made a deal that however much i ate i could only purge maximum half. It was a beginning.

Recently i've been eating really healthily and another rule says that if i eat only "safe foods" then i can't purge anything. I have stuck to this now for 1 month purging only after nights out with friends and it feels better like i am more in control. In the beginning i was eating far too little, like 3 or 4 carrots, an apple etc in a day, but slowly just by breaking the cycle of purging i began to eat more of the "safe" foods and started to feel stronger.

Through eating safe foods i have started to enjoy eating again and have gained control of what a normal portion size is. Also i have started deliberately eating stuff out - like biscuits etc. Small things but with calories at times where i know it is impossible to purge because it is at work or i'm at a place without a bathroom. I hate myself, feel disgusting, desperate to purge even on the pavement but i haven't and slowly now i am arriving at a better place. Tonight i ate a salad and a small desert out and haven't purged it. I still want to but my ability to resist is increasing.

I'm still battling with feelings of being 2 kilos heavier. i hate it but am trying to accept and love my body how it is. It's not easy but i live in hope of at least beating this problem

Good luck and like chucky says. Love and accept yourself for who you are at this moment and try to move forward one small step at a time.
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby loa243 » Mon May 24, 2010 3:30 am

Thank you so much for your replies! I really appreciate it!

So, I decided to make last night my last time to purge and ate healthy today without having the urge to purge! I understand that it has only been 24 hours, but I decided to write a book about my experience with this horrible eating disorder.

I found that it really helps to type out how it started and see my patterns and how I can learn to love myself just the way I am. For starters, I NEVER allow myself to let candy settle down my tummy...Last night, I ate Twix before bed and let it settle! I did however workout hard today and ate healthy! The big eye opener for me was that I let the sugar digest down to my tummy without feeling shame. :)

I know that it has only been one day and I have tried to stop before, but writing out my feelings, coming on here, and talking about with my therapist will be a solid beginning to a happy ending I hope. :)

Kevin, I think allowing yourself is the important key to success because I think depriving yourself of what you want will only make you want it more. Once, you find out what you are truly depriving yourself from will help you understand what you truly want and how to get there. It is amazing that you have come this far and to not attach yourself to the "bad" about it. :)

Skydancer, I love your idea about "safe foods" and accepting your weight gain. To go from not standing anything in your body at all to accepting your new weight gain is a huge improvement! That is awesome and I am so happy for you!

As for me, I am taking it day by day, but have intentions of overcoming this illness because my love for myself is there....
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby skydancer » Mon May 24, 2010 4:33 pm

that's fantastic.

Don't think too far ahead. Congratulate yourself on every step forward, and celebrate each day that you are successful.

You are really on the right path and your creativity and want to get better will ensure that you will. Even if it takes time, you are always going forward and accept any set backs that there be as simply part of the growing and learning process.

It's lovely to hear that you really do love yourself. I'm working on that. I could never find anything positive about myself but now i can. Slowly i am learning to accept every part of me.

Take care. Hope today was another good day
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby loa243 » Tue May 25, 2010 3:45 am

Thank you and I am taking it day by day...

Today, I got the urge just about 20 minutes ago and decided to eat more veggies instead and then overloaded on blueberries and oranges....I am really full right now and thought, I might as well go for a full binge and purge, BUT I stopped! I BROKE my pattern even though it felt so tempting because my tummy looks so full! I even let myself eat candy today, which I never do! Not that I am going to eat candy all of the time, but the fact that I let myself do it AGAIN!

I think that I am definitely stepping in the right direction, but also avoiding gaining unwanted fat if possible... :)

I notice that I binge at night when I get home and feel lonely...Right now, I am wanting more candy or ice cream...God, this is hard....I keep telling myself that if I train myself to slowly stop eating so much at night and also not eating sweets, I will put myself into the habit of wanting to eat less at night and no sugar hopefully! I am just happy that I am not doing it everyday as my pattern was turning into that and it was really scary!!

Skydancer, I am learning to love myself as I do not yet. I love parts of me, but also feel really hurt when rejected by another. So, I am still in pain when I am not approved by another, which shows me that I do not love myself just yet. I am working on it. What do you love about yourself?
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby skydancer » Tue May 25, 2010 12:13 pm

Hi ioa

I thank you for your post because as i was reading it i was pacing up and down trying to resist the urge of purging after i have eaten (or feel that i have eaten) too much pasta, even though it is wheat free. To hear that you resisted is giving me more strength to not do it as i have been really good for some days now. In 15 minutes i have to leave for work which is good as it means once i'm out of the house the opportunity will have passed and i will also have made another tiny step forward.

What do i love about myself. I love my eyes. They are blue and when i am happy they really shine. They are very transparent so also when i am sad you can see right into my soul. I hope that one day they will shine eternally. I also like my legs, they are long and strong and i am beginning to accept them even with a little more bulk at the thigh - lol - i used to like them only when there was a huge gap between them when i had my legs together. It's strange because when i look in the mirror at my body i have trouble liking it. It seems to big and imposing but when i see myself in photos i am the first to think that actually i'm quite skinny and these extra kilos aren't so bad.

So ... here i am. I also like my arms and my long fingers. I like the fairy child tattoo on my hip and the rose on my ankle. Small and very personal.

And you?

I would love to hear about you.

Have to dash now. Work calls. I love going because i work with children and they really help me stay in this life. Without my work i would be totally lost.
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby loa243 » Wed May 26, 2010 4:49 am

Hi Skydancer,

I am glad to know that you held back from purging. That is great! :)

Also, you sound like a beautiful person who connects their inner beauty with their outside beauty. Also, it would interesting to know what the ink on your body represents if you don't mind sharing!

Today, something really interesting happened. I decided to make today the Thanksgiving I never had, but ate food that would not normally eat and accepted I may put on a couple pounds. :) I realize that I am giving myself a little too much food over the past few days, but I feel that the extra big tummy temorarily makes up for the mental damage and the repeated turmoil. I am letting myself FEEL what it is like to eat too much food and the past two nights my stomach has hurt as it does not like this much food. I notice that I am eating less and less each night and not stressing about any weight gain. I am calling this period the Thanksgiving I never let myself have because in 2006 is when it all began on Thanksgiving.

To sum, my stomach is bloated right now and I am not liking it. HOWEVER, I realize that eating this much food will result in me feeling too full and then resulting me to choose better choices when it comes to food portions, but not freaking out about the calories. :)

I eat healthy, workout, and feel my mood getting back to normal again! IT IS A GREAT FEELING! I think that this small period of weight gain is worth the long end result! I am more and more proud of myself!

I have considered this phase 2 of my recovery and the next phase is normally eating and not letting myself go at the same time. However, also realizing it is okay to not be perfect (as it does not exist) and not weighing 127lbs everday does not make me a fat or bad person. THIS I AM LEARNING TO LOVE ABOUT MYSELF! My inner strength to not be consumed with how others perceive me.
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby skydancer » Wed May 26, 2010 10:02 pm

Hey

You are strong and determined and making amazing steps forward.

I was co-erced into eating pizza out tonight. I started off with a salad and Italian antipasti which i had no problem with but then friends ordered pizzas to share. I ate about 1/3rd of a pizza and felt terrible after.

Pacing up and down, up and down tonight i couldn't resist the urge to get rid of it all but i'm trying to accept that in the beginning of recovery it is normal to slip up occasionally. The important thing is that is has been many days where i have been eating well and also eating things that would usually make me purge immediately and i have not.

So ... i'm sorry, it's not fantastic but it's ok. And i made sure i only purged half, or less. I stopped myself from gaining the ultimate satisfaction and feeling completely empty. I HATE feeling good when it is all out. For me it is not really about how i look, want to look, look at others etc. I always look at other thin people and think they would look better a little bigger. I hate skinny role models in magazines and as i said when i see myself in pictures i always think i should put on a few more pounds deliberately. Yet like you said too, i can't bear to feel full, to have so much inside of me. It's an emotional thing i think because when i feel stressed or too many bad memories from the past come to me the only thing i want to do is purge until there is nothing left inside. Then and only then do i feel good.

I'm going to see a great psychologist and although i haven't actually ever said anything about my eating problems we are working through many things and i know that even though in currently it seems harder than ever, it is an important part in the real healing journey so i am proud of myself for sticking it out and trying to heal in order to live the rest of my life with joy and freedom.

However, also realizing it is okay to not be perfect (as it does not exist) and not weighing 127lbs everday does not make me a fat or bad person. THIS I AM LEARNING TO LOVE ABOUT MYSELF! My inner strength to not be consumed with how others perceive me.


I love what you said above. ABout realising that perfection doesn't exist. Self love and acceptance does. SHining inside and out does. Living life for each new and exciting experience does and we are moving closer to these things. I have many wonderful things and people in my life and for that i am so grateful. This healing journey would be so different without them all.

Good night. I need to sleep. I hope you had another new and wonderful day xxx
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Re: I used to binge and purge once a week and now EVERYDAY!

Postby loa243 » Thu May 27, 2010 5:23 am

Hello Skydancer,

Thank you for sharing....I really appreciate it and understand how hard recovery can be given that food is in our everday life and so is the toilet. It is kinda hard to take those two out of our lives to be a human breathing....

Well, purging only half is a step...Do you remember what you were thinking about right before you purged? Thank you for opening up and talking about how you have feelings from the past. I understand what you mean about having all these feelings inside and then emptying them out of your body...However, you only purged half this time...I am wondering what it is like for you to feel "empty." If I am being too invasive, I apologize....

I had a slip today actually...I spoke with a friend and she hurt my feelings as she was not being sensitive...Her voice raises and she becomes very "motherly" and I do not like the way she sounds...So, I just said, "I do not like speaking with you when you get like this" and she became defensive. I said goodbye to her nicely and then felt really bad inside and purged a little too. However, I know that this relapse is okay as I am not beating myself up right now and going to write about my feelings and do not feel anywhere near where I was a couple of weeks ago. I do not plan on making this a pattern.....I feel myself getting stronger....


I know that I am going to overcome this demon...I am not letting this control my SELF....Life is way too beautiful to live in this type of turmoil....This is my current timeline:

May 10th-14th---Purged Everyday
May 16th, 18th-21---Purged Everday
May 22nd---25th---Did not purge
May 26th- First Relapse at night (wish me luck for the next week) :)
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