I can't play this game anymore..my story...

Hey I'm new here and I came here because I need to talk to people who actually understand what I am going through and will listen and not judge me nor get mad at me.
My name is Mariah and I'm 26..I know what you're thinking, aren't you a little old to have an eating disorder?...Well I have battled with weight,food,anorexia,binge eating,bulimia and this obsession with my weight since I was 12.
Anorexia and bulimia have came and gone in my life since I can remember. I'm 5'5 and I have been anywhere from 105 pounds to 147 pounds and anywhere in between. At the moment I weigh 125 pounds and I just recently lost about 15 in the last month or so from cutting my calories waaay back and exercising and throwing up my food which I'm about to do right now..hold on..ok I'm back. I was only going to have a handful of mini crackers but once again I lost control and that handful turned into half the box followed by 3 handfuls of cheesies, 1 slice of pizza and 2 english muffins loaded with butter so I had to get it out of me.
I have safe foods that I can eat in the day for breakfast, lunch and dinner and they are all planned out in my head before bed every night and they are called my "safe" foods that I don't feel the need to throw up because it's not allot of food and it's all healthy. I like my last meal to be supper at no later then 6pm and then if I can make it the rest of the night with out eating the next morning when I wake up I feel proud of myself and happy for not giving in and binging and throwing up. I been throwing up more these days..once and sometimes twice in a day even if it's not allot of food I ate, and I can't even tell you how sick and tired I am of sneaking to the bathroom, locking the door and running the water so my boyfriend doesn't hear me. Then jamming my fingers so far down my throat over and over till my eyes are watering and snot is running out of my nose and I feel like my insides are going to come up with the next gag I have. ( I know it's gross but that's what happens) It's like clockwork. It's this vicious cycle I can't seem to break. If I have had it since I was 12 and I am now almost 26 that's 14 years of pure torture I'm putting myself through. I know what I have to do to be healthy and fit and look in shape, I am not stupid but for some reason I'm an all or nothing girl and I just can't seem to make myself do it. Like I said I'm 125 pounds and I just lost the 15 pounds recently so I'm in my cycle again and I want to be 117. But when I was like 140 pounds I said I just want to be 130, then 130 wasn't good enough so how about 125 and here I am and I can't help but to think I'm fat and gross and 117 now sounds good to me(until I get there). Every mirror I go by I lift up my shirt and look at myself from all angles. I have a scale in my bathroom that I weigh myself on aprx. 25 times a day. I guess you could say I am obsessed with "the number". This whole thing is on my mind every minute of the day, before I go to sleep and even before I wake up.

I'm writing because I have no one to talk to about this. I want someone to say they understand and well just let me know I am not alone. I'm not going to go get professional help and I'm not sure I will quit on my own. This may just be something I have to accept for whatever reason.
Anyways my throat is raw and my tummy hurts so I'm going to lay down. Thanks in advance for any support or kind words
Mariah

Hi, Mariah! I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you can't just live with this, because you're putting your health in danger. I've been obsessed with my weight too and I used to weigh myself like 20 times a day. Talking about it and finding other ways to get rid of stress or feel in control of my life has been helpful. Why don't you want to get professional help?

hey Mariah, i know what you're going through and im sure many other people on this forum do too so you're not alone. im sorry that you've had this for so long, but its good that you've come to a place like this because i know it helped me to know that im not the only one. i agree with jasmin though, why don't you want to get professional help? i go to a psychologist every week and it really helps to have someone talk through everything with, who doesnt judge you. cognitive behavioural therapy helps to make sense of the reasons behind the eating disorder and change or find alternatives to your behaviour patterns. i thought i would never get better and i was really worried about going the first time but i made myself go even when i didnt want to, why dont you give it a go? then if you really dont like it you dont have to go. its all about trying to break the routine, i know it will be hard as you've had it with you for such a long time but that doesnt mean it is part of you and you just have to accept it; you can get rid of it and you can get better!
hope this helps a bit, if you ever want to vent or anything im happy to talk to you

Alice x

Thanks for responding
Hmm why wont I get help??..That's a good question and I have asked myself that over and over and can't think of the right answer.
I know why I have an issue with this, it's because I have had allot of child hood drama, the biggest thing was my mom left my Dad and I when I was 4 months old and never came back and some sexual abuse when I was a child so I'm sure that has something to do with it. It's just strange how we all deal with our childhood and even adult traumas and anxiety. I have delt with it in other ways too but this one keeps coming back because no matter what you can't just stay away and avoid food so it's always there. Even when there were periods in my life when the "disease" wasn't an issue because I was just eating normal and not throwing up I still weighed in and was obsessed with my image.
I'm not sure sometimes if it is that I have a problem with control in my life and this is one way where I feel incontrol or if I really just feel better when I'm thin because I look good and I get lots of attention. It's hard not to say this without sounding full of myself but I'm attractive girl who has got attention from men since I was 13 and still get it and I love it. Even if they are dirty, scummy men who I wouldn't go near with a ten foot pole I feel a sense of gratification or something when I get attention and I know that everyone in the room is looking at me. Guess it makes me feel powerful. I know all this sounds sick and horrible and I'm lacking self confidence big time and when people see me all pretty and thin and looking put together I guess it hides all that some how.
Anyways...I kinda got off topic but just letting you know more what is and has been going on with me. I guess I don't go talk to someone because I feel it wont work, no one will understand. I already know what they have to say because I'm pretty educated on this whole thing and I'm not a stupid girl and maybe some laziness ...I dunno.
I hate it and I'm mentally and physically exhausted from this whole thing. I feel like I'm breaking down slowly and there is no way out..so if I accept it at least I don't fight with myself as much.
Thanks for hearing my rant...really thank you
Mariah

Mariah, but you could become sick because of all the throwing up. You could develop heart problems, I think. People have gotten really ill because of eating disorders and it's possible to even die.
I think it's a mix of feeling pretty, getting attention and feeling in control that makes us feel good. You don't have to get that like this, thought, you can still have a nice body if you get treatment.
You can talk about your feelings and everything you've been through if you ever need it.