i've lost control please help me, someone please

I am obsessed with food I am obsessed with my fat, every minute and every second I'm thinking about my next trip into the kitchen, what i should eat, what i get to eat, and how much i should.. I can't wait, i constantly look at the clock waiting till its time for my snack, then i immediately obsess about the meal after that. then i think about my fat, my disgusting, disgusting body. I hate myself, I am so depressed, I go to the gym everyday if not twice i exercise like mad, everyone thinks I'm the resource of nutrition and fitness information but I'm a fake.

I eat healthy up until after lunch and i feel so proud of myself but then something horribel takes over my body and I'm constantly going back into the pantry picking at chocolate, dried fruit, biscuits, anything.. I can't handle it, i stuff myself so badly and have no choice but to go hide away and vomit.. and i am so ashamed. this shouldn't be me i should be a happy, healthy and normal 19 year old girl, people look at me and think i'm this popular happy. bubbly good looking girl, i am dead inside i am a disgusting greedy pig with no self control. I am completely alone, no one calls me i have no friends. I am not obese i way 52.7kgs today but no one knows actually how much fat i have underneath my clothes, my butt, my stomach, my thighs, my lower back, argh!! I am so disgusting, its repulsive! I hate people noticing me or saying im attractive but then i need it i am obsessed with needing to be found attractive, but i hate it, i know if they got up close and really looked at me they would see the pig i really am.. does anyone understand this??

I have lost control, literally, when i walk into the kicthen for more at 1am i am screaming at myself on the inside "please stop Jessie, go to bed, stop!! you will regret it! your throat can't take it, what if it doesn't come back up!! stop!" but my body doesn't listen, and i cry and cry and cry all alone, i think about how to end this.. the highest building i could find, drive into a tree.. overdose, anything and i call my mum and i vent and scream and sob and beg for help, im so embarrassed.. no one knows what to do, they just pretend its not happening, mum and dad say they wish they had the answers but they don't.. if i were a cancer patient or had another horrible disease and were dying people would not just put me to one side because they were clueless, but the thing is i am dying!! i am, i need help yesterday not in a month or a next week, i can't live like this, its killing me, my mind is completely taken over by these obsessive, messed up thoughts.. food food food fat fat fat food food food fat fat fat.

I'm so aware, i have so much knowledge about food and nutrition and everyone asks for my advice, why do i do this to myself, in my food dairy i beg myself to complete the day following the food plan, i write 'please jessie, you will be so proud of yourself, i want this, this is what i want, please do this' and i fall off the rails by 3pm the next day. I am so depressed, I am broken, I feel i have lost all control, i booked in to see the head of eating disorders psychologist but its not for 35 days, I need help now i need someone to help me stop this cycle that's killing me, i can't wait 35 days, I'm dying i know i am, i can't do this anymore.

I am so so so scared to be alone with my disgusting embarrassing self, like tomorrow, what will i do tomorrow!! be happy its not for 34 days?!! i can't wait, why wont they help me now i can't handle this i am so so so alone.

I dont know why i posted this, i think i need someone to talk to me, to write something to wave a magical wand and give me my life back, my control back. no one in my life cares.

how will i survive tomorrow or the next day or this weekend? 35 days. i wont last.

Babe i know what it's like! I am exactly the same!
Except since my gym membership ran out i haven't re-joined and i feel twice as much as a disgusting pig. Some days I'll last eating well til dinner and then once i start eating dinner and have seconds i keep eating and then eat more to throw it up. And when people go to bed i feel like I'm all alone and that i can do what i want easily and get away with it, so it makes it that much harded to ignore. My mum always says in the moring "where's all this gone? god you have a good metabolism, i wish i was that lucky" and for someone to make a comment like that to me (who is so concerned about putting on weight) it makes you want to keep that reputation - if that makes sense. I always promise myself that tomorrow ill eat well portioned healthy meals and go for a run, but when tomorrow comes, it never happens. Something triggers me to keep going. Im always comparing myself to what other people look like...I wear clothes that don't cling because i think people will judge me if i have any loose flab etc.
It is so hard...but trust me i know EXACTLY what it's like...so if you ever need to talk about it you can talk to me

Amelia x

My advice is to find some activities that you like very much like dancing, pilates,reading and stop thinking at food.Eat healthy food and when you feel that you are hungry eat an apple or a salad.

I'm kinda new to this but read this and the replies and its weird just how similar i am to this! i know what you're going through, you aren't alone believe me. i know what its like waking up and thinking 'ok, a new start, i can make this a healthy day and i can control myself' but then it all goes horribly wrong because you give in to one craving and then your body just takes over and you cant control it anymore.. then feel disgusting afterwards, its all just one awful cycle that never seems to end i hate obsessing about it too, its like the more you or other people tell you to focus on something else the more you think about food.
just think, however horrible you feel right now, you CAN get better, you ARE in control. the hardest part is admitting you have a problem and its good that you've come to somewhere like this, i know it helps me to know im not the only one. think about the reasons why you are doing this, then try and find alternatives to the routine..however hard that will be to do. keep telling yourself you're worth more than the illness, dont let it become part of you, because it isnt. things CAN change!
sorry if this is just a load of waffle, i hope it helps. if you ever want to talk about it im happy to listen and try to help :] x