I feel like as a woman, all i am is a garbage bin for semen
The same situation repeats itself countlessly in my life. For some reason I have had many people 'fall in love with me' in my life... Not really love, more like super horny extreme obsessive infatuation - and this lasts forever. I never seem to leave their minds . .. I put this down to the fact that I have the unusual combination of being well above average in looks and an extremely painful degree of insecurity and I am very naive and childlike ... for some reason men are 'into' that
Anyway, these people invariably have partners . . . who are always uglier, less interesting etc than me, who they manage to stay with... Whereas I remain the distant object of fantasy. I hate myself, I hate my body. I feel like I'm completely worthless as a human being and nothing but a bunch of holes to the world. I am nothing.
I am extremely jealous of these 'safe' women. In one of my most recent scenarios, I was involved with another guy who i can say with near certainty also had bpd... He told me he had a hard on from the minute he saw me, asked if i would marry him after 2 days - it's been a nearly year now and he confided he still masturbates to the thought of me several times a day. He has had a girlfriend this whole time - and not only is she much less attractive than me... she is also bland, boring person, and not particularly nice - a bit racist... makes jokes about homeless people. But I am so jealous of her! Because everything in her life is easy and simple. People 'talk' to girls like that, they go on holidays, move in together . . . Whereas they reserve their semen/hate-sex/anal rape for girls like me.
When I think about my life, I think of a puppy that desperately and enthusiastically follows people around ... I'd do the dumbest things JUST for a guy... cut my hair, dye my hair, lose weight, move to a foreign country... but people only want to kick the puppy, and laugh at how pathetic it is (and also f***k the puppy)
How do I handle these thoughts?