Borderline? Fits of rage?

I have BPD. I am 24 and have been in the psych unit about 25 times. So it is pretty severe. Well all of these years I have been having severe rage fits. Over the smallest things. My doctor says I dissociate during them. I basically do anything and everything to cause havoc. I throw things, punch walls, break glass objects, break bones in my body, cut myself until I need stitches. I have even rammed the car into the house before. I break expensive things like iPods, etc. And once I start, I don't feel like I can stop until it is all out of me. The other day is a good example of how I can be. My girlfriend wanted to go to bed early and I completely flipped. I broke a plate in the bathroom, threw myself down a flight of stairs, banged my head really hard against the wall a few times, then went into the bathroom, took one of the shards of glass, and cut up my hand. I got ten stitches. The problem is that lately EVERYTHING has been making me angry. I am also under a lot of stress too. I have been on every medication under the sun and nothing helps it. I have been to therapy, that didn't help. Sometimes I just feel like I am living in a constant hell. I just don't know what to do. I think of killing myself everyday. And things aren't probably as bad as I think they are.

Hi Leslieslsa,

I'm sorry to hear things are as rough and out of control as that. By the sound of it, things possibly get worse when you're under stress.

I used to have fits of rage myself that involved breaking things and so on.

One of the things that helped me stop was that I eventually realized that the rage/anxiety was linked to a feeling of helplessness. I couldn't think of any healthy ways of getting what I wanted or of expressing my feelings (and I was ironically afraid of doing so... and I also didn't think anybody would care) so the rage would just build up over time and get triggered by little things.

I don't know if this could be the case for you but in my case I only ever had two modes back then: A) meek and submissive, B) raging and out of control.

Basically what I wanted to be, and what I felt I ought to be; was meek and submissive and so the only way in which the parts of me that wanted to get their way (or assert themselves or even just express themselves) could get what they wanted - was by making me lose control.

Another thing that helped was developing an awareness as to what was really bothering me at any point in time. This is, of course, a lot easier said than done with BPD and it usually takes a while… but at any rate, the self awareness is what helped me realize what was really bothering me whenever I felt triggered… usually the cause wasn't the trigger itself but the stress or tension that had been building up, up until that point.

I should note though that the anger over the trigger wasn't always 100% irrational because a trigger is usually something that in some way reminds us of the true cause of our anger/anxiety/pain. Examining what caused it to be a trigger can sometimes lead us to understand the true cause of the pain.

For example, if what triggered you was your gf wanting to go to bed early, that might imply that there's something in your relationship with her that makes you feel uneasy and might need to be addressed. Then again, the problem might not be with the specific relationship with your gf per ce but with relationships in general (as is often the case for us)… but that too is also something that needs to be examined and addressed… and this of course requires self awareness.

Another thing that helped was that I became aware of the pattern of catastrophic thinking that kept leading me down that path time and time again. In a way it was like an inner demon that seemed to want to lead me down the path of destruction/self destruction and would say anything it could think of in order to lead me down that path, regardless of the circumstances. Eventually I learned to talk back to it and say things like "oh yeah? Life is over? I have no other choice but do X? Well that's what you said last time and the time before that and the time before that and you were always wrong!".

And finally, one of the big things that helped (and I hope this won't be triggering) was that one day I told myself that I "don't want to 'be' the kind of person that can only deal with problems by having fits of rage". I wanted to be the one in control and not let anything else, even from within, have that kind of control over my life.

I hope any of this can help… and good luck; I know how hellish rage can be, even if it doesn't seem that way to people from the outside.

I too, have rage issues at times. I've found that what helps me is using certain DBT skills. I don't know if you've been through DBT but it can be really helpful for some people. Like ShakyCore said, being mindful of what's going on inside your body is an extremely helpful skill. Notice your tension building before you do or say something (Observe skill). It may seem like it happens in a split second and you have no control over it, but I can guarantee you that there is a brief moment in time where you can catch yourself and slow things down. The skill opposite to emotion is also helpful here. When you notice yourself feeling like you want to do something rageful, do the exact opposite. If your mad at your girlfriend for wanting to go to sleep early, instead of flipping out, wish her sweet dreams and kiss her goodnight. Then you need to follow up with your distress tolerance skills to manage your anger and curb yourself from getting into the "red zone". If you'd like to talk more about DBT I'm always open, feel free to pm me. You can also look up the skills online at www.dbtselfhelp.com

hi there leslieslsa -

we actually just were talking about this the other day! i think we all have different levels of anger that we experience; i can go 0 to b!tch in about 5, 4, 3.... other than the great advice given here already, here's a link to the other thread where you might find some additional guidance that might help you cope better:

borderline-personality/topic96269.html

hugs,

wineaux