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how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

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how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

Postby madjoe » Sun Sep 09, 2012 9:29 am

The dating world is full of predators who will take you for quite a ride if you’re not wise to them. Many men feel like they were sold a bill of goods or “suckered” by their respective spouses, partners or exes and, to a certain extent, they’re right. However, like most victims of a scam, they’ve been willing targets.

A scam artist and/or emotional predator can easily identify a potential mark in the crowd. Bullies, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and sociopaths like easy targets. They go after people who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, self-reflective, competent, talented or “gifted” in some way and, most importantly, people who have a desire to cooperate or work things out and a non-confrontational personal style (Namie, 2003).

These are wonderful qualities, which make you a great catch—especially for an emotional predator (e.g., borderlines, narcissists, histrionics, sociopaths and their variants) because it makes you easier to steamroll. This means you have to learn to be more discerning and develop dating street smarts when it comes to new relationships. Here are some things to consider so you can sort the good eggs from the bad eggs:

1. Picture perfect. No matter how logical and intelligent we are, many of us still want to believe in Disney-fied fairy tale relationships. This is why so many people fall for the carefully crafted facade of predatory personalities. They uncannily intuit what you’re looking for and then pretend to give it to you until they’re confident you’ve developed an attachment to them. Then the mask comes off and the Jekyll and Hyde metamorphosis occurs.

Reality: If someone seems too good to be true, she or he probably is. No one’s perfect; everyone has flaws. A healthy individual acknowledges his or her personal short-comings and works on them. An emotional predator will do her or his best to hide their flaws, cruel streak and self-centered-ness (although, some of them put it all right out there from the get go and incredibly still attract mates).

Once a flaw is exposed, this type of individual will deny its existence or punish you for having witnessed it. Therefore, you need to pay closer attention. Look for the cracks in the exterior. Don’t ignore what initially seems like uncharacteristic outbursts, rudeness or coldness. Don’t let yourself be blamed for her deficits. Remember, no one is perfect. Ideally, you should be looking to meet someone whose flaws, personal quirks and issues don’t hurt you.

A good potential mate can acknowledge things she doesn’t like about herself or would like to change and demonstrate that she is actively working on them. I’m not talking about superficial changes like, “I wish my arms were more buff,” but something that would help her to grow as a person and improve her relationships. For example, “I have trouble letting down my guard and expressing my feelings when I’m upset about something, but I’m working on it. It would help if when you notice I’m quiet, clam up or seem like I’m upset if you would try to draw me out a little bit because I want to be able to talk about these things and resolve issues as they arise. I’m afraid you’ll reject me or get mad at me if I tell you how I’m really feeling.” However, if she lashes out at you when you reach out to her after she asked you to do so, let her go. It’s an indicator of a “no-win situation” dynamic that will slowly drive you mad.

2. Flattery will get you everywhere. Many predators drug you with praise and flattery—at first. Beware of statements like “No one’s ever made me feel this way before. I’ve never met anyone like you. I could really fall in love with you. No one has ever understood me like you. I’ve never felt this strong of a connection before.” Be especially skeptical of these statements if they’re made in the first few weeks or hours of dating. This is a con artist’s technique called, mirroring—”using flattering statements to lift a listener’s confidence in himself.”

Reality: It takes time to really get to know someone and build trust. “Instant intimacy” is typically a sign that someone’s stroking your ego into submission and/or that they neither possess nor respect personal boundaries—a hallmark of many a borderline, narcissistic, histrionic or sociopathic individual. It’s natural to want a love interest to notice how special and unique you are, however, this doesn’t happen overnight. Pace your new relationships and remember, the higher the pedestal she places you upon early in the relationship, the further you’ll crash down when she kicks it out from underneath you later. Once these women “catch you,” they almost immediately begin to devalue you, so don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

3. Act now while supplies last! This is a high-pressure sales/con technique that many emotional predators use. They exude supreme confidence and a “you should be so lucky to be with me” attitude. They “casually” mention other men who are interested in them and how their exes keep trying to win them back. This is a device used to trigger a sense of scarcity and competition within you. You then go to great lengths in order to “win” her and thereby set the precedent for a very one-sided relationship. This is a huge red flag. Only a narcissist or someone with equally toxic pathology makes a love interest continually jump through hoops like this. It’s another control device, so don’t bite on it.

Reality: There are other fish in the sea. What exactly are you trying to win? What is she doing to please you or win you over—aside from leading you on a merry chase and getting you to perform acts of service and devotion? What acts of service and devotion is she performing for you? Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Don’t just take her word about all of the things she claims she does for you. This kind of woman will make a grand spectacle of all the things, careers, relationships and opportunities she’s “sacrificing” for you. The reality is that an emotional predator doesn’t sacrifice anything for anyone and rarely does anything that’s in someone else’s best interests. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

Additionally, examine why you’re working so hard to gain someone’s affection or prove yourself “worthy.” This is usually a sign that you have some residual relationship issues from childhood to explore and resolve.

4. All the right words; all the wrong moves. Emotional predators are skilled manipulators and often bald face liars. This kind of woman is well-practiced in telling you whatever it is you want to hear and then doing the complete opposite. When they’re not consciously lying, borderlines, narcissists and other predators are prone to confabulation. In other words, they believe their own BS, which makes it all the more difficult for you to sort the facts from their personal fictions.

Reality: We all employ a little self-deception from time to time. What lies do you tell yourself when you get involved with a woman like this? Do you tell yourself, “Things will get better. It’s not so bad. She must really love me to be acting this crazy. If only I work a little harder. . . ?” When dating, it’s important to pay close attention to your dates words, actions and your reactions. Many emotional predators know all the “right” things to say, but their actions frequently don’t match their “hype.” If you notice a discrepancy between the two, don’t ignore it and don’t lie to yourself about it by making excuses for her.

Spotting emotional predators in the dating pool is a necessary survival skill. Becoming involved with an abusive, entitled and pathology ridden individual is a personal disaster many people bring upon themselves that is easily avoidable if you approach relationships with equal amounts of passion and intelligence.
(wanted to make this a co-op thing but hey there it is http://mensnewsdaily.com/2010/01/29/dat ... n-artists/)
Last edited by MissAli on Mon Sep 10, 2012 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added Trigger Warning.
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Re: how to spot a predator

Postby katana » Sun Sep 09, 2012 9:44 am

I think I'm one of those fish that in many people's minds unintentionally camouflages itself as kind, generous, trusting, eager to please etc. Its not even intentional, but I'll always get people projecting cute, innocent, easily led, lacking in confidence(if i'm being quiet/depressed) etc. onto me. It doesn't matter even if I joke around about $#%^ that's completely "beyond the pale" they still go with the idea that I'm doing it because I'm lacking confidence and/or need to fit in, until I either get bored and walk away, get angry, or drop it on them like a rock and tell them where to go.

And I'm not generally being predatory about relationships, in most of these incidences, I have no interest in a relationship at all.

I disagree with competent or talented as things which many people would go for, and haven't seen that happen often either.

I think in general, i tend to be more concerned with stopping people seeing the real me than with obtaining relationships, which is ironic because it also pisses me off when they see what they do instead.
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Re: how to spot a predator

Postby madjoe » Mon Sep 10, 2012 5:14 am

feel free to add your own imput
her's mine

if it's 2 good to be true... it usualy is
if ther's a disconnect between what they say and do
to mutch to soon (somoen sweeps you off your feet right away rushing it manipulators usualy don't have patience)
past history (how is he/she with familly, work)
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Re: how to spot a predator

Postby wineaux » Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:53 pm

madjoe...i'm a bit confused here because it's calling PDs emotional predators. are you saying that we're emotional predators?!? because if you are, i might have to lock this thread as that's WAYYYY triggering.

Dx: PDNOS, ADHD, MDD, ED (recovering)

i'm in your threadz, moddin' your postsImage
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Re: how to spot a predator

Postby MissAli » Mon Sep 10, 2012 4:16 pm

Madjoe-


What is your point with this thread? I cannot see it going much of anywhere positive, but we will let it continue until it proves otherwise.


I will caution those posting to this thread to tread carefully, as this can be an extremely triggering set of ideals.

This may be better answered in the relationship forum, as this is a broad spectrum article on Cluster B's, and not just aimed at BPD's.


AMP
Knowing other people is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom.

Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.

If you realize that what you have is enough, you will be rich, truly rich.

~Tao

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Re: how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

Postby atomicuniverse » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:00 pm

Image
DX: "A fun mix"
RX: Prozac

"It's safe to cry here by the ocean; none will find you faulty. We well know that ages ago: the sea was already salty."
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Re: how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

Postby Anasui » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:38 pm

I remember reading this before and honestly, I felt hurt and offended because it's not the case that all people with PD's or any other kind of mental disorder, from depression, bi-polar, Dissociative Disorders, ext are necessarily emotional predictors.

I think, personally, everybody has the ability, including ourselves, to be an emotional predator. it's up to us to actually do it intentionally. The article seems to make it seem like almost everybody in the world is a predator except for the original writer.
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Re: how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

Postby katana » Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:08 pm

atomicuniverse wrote:Image


:lol:

Anasui wrote:I think, personally, everybody has the ability, including ourselves, to be an emotional predator. it's up to us to actually do it intentionally. The article seems to make it seem like almost everybody in the world is a predator except for the original writer.


Yep at the first part.

To me it doesn't look like its trying to pin everyone as a predator, just cluster Bs.

What I noticed was that the article quoted a few traits to make out people to be victim material that if anything would technically make a person less likely to be a "victim". So I wonder if the person who wrote the article was bitter about having been victimised, and unable to except their own weaknesses, so instead sees some things in them self which are not 100% accurate, e.g. mixing successful self-evaluation with a desperate need to change/figure out things and grasping at straws, or deciding they've been victimized "because they're talented" instead of because they're vulnerable in certain ways, while they may be talented, but it isn't anything to do with it.
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Re: how to spot a predator *TRIGGER WARNING*

Postby Anasui » Mon Sep 10, 2012 10:25 pm

katana wrote:
Anasui wrote:I think, personally, everybody has the ability, including ourselves, to be an emotional predator. it's up to us to actually do it intentionally. The article seems to make it seem like almost everybody in the world is a predator except for the original writer.


Yep at the first part.

To me it doesn't look like its trying to pin everyone as a predator, just cluster Bs.

What I noticed was that the article quoted a few traits to make out people to be victim material that if anything would technically make a person less likely to be a "victim". So I wonder if the person who wrote the article was bitter about having been victimised, and unable to except their own weaknesses, so instead sees some things in them self which are not 100% accurate, e.g. mixing successful self-evaluation with a desperate need to change/figure out things and grasping at straws, or deciding they've been victimized "because they're talented" instead of because they're vulnerable in certain ways, while they may be talented, but it isn't anything to do with it.

Both sides can be emotionally manipulated and or victimized. I know that in some of my relationships that I have had, such as some ex's, my step father, and my real father, I have been victimized, abused, and just flat out been taken advantage of. Does that mean that therefore, all men are terrible manipulating abusing assholes? No. I've actually had two ex's that were very nice and caring of me. And I am also dating a guy who is VERY nice to me as well. It's just very unfortunate that I have serious trust issues with other males. And my boyfriend is helping me over come that. I know, and he knows as well, that I do have serious trust issues with him, and many of it is rooted in abandonment, and he said something that actually made me feel like he wasn't going to leave me. I hope that it can suppress that illogical anxiety/fear for a nice long while... Especially since he was praising me for helping him find some books he needed for a game and I also promised to help draw something for him xD

Each person brings their own baggage in a relationship. It's up to each of them on HOW to react with those problems, and how to cope/help the other with theirs. Is it going to be harder for a couple who has somebody with a diagnosis such as depression, BPD, Bi-Polar, MPD, ext? Yes. Is it going to be harder if BOTH have something like that? Without a doubt. Is it going to be hard for normal people to be in a relationship? Yes. Relationships are hard regardless of mental stability. And it means that we all, in a relationship, have to suffer. Relationships aren't just about rainbows and butterflies. It's about learning about the other, even after the love has faded... And still when it fades, you still want to learn more about that person and be in their lives.
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