[NON] anyway to have a ltr relationship with an untreated

I fell deeply in love with a man that through my doctor and research which has led me to the figure out he has BPD. He has pushed me away in the latest get out part of the cycle. Now because of love I have for him I don't want to walk away and also to possibly get him treatment. How do you do this if your not suppose to mention I think you might have this go check it out. Also I would like to know from someone is it truly possible to maintain a LTR with an untreated BPD. He is 53 now. Thank you.

LTR? I'm just bad at a lot of these terms... I will say that you should just be up front and honest with them. Tell them that you believe they may have BPD (he needs to go to the doctor and verify it, not you talking to your doctor about him) and let him know that there is treatment for BPD. It's not a life sentence if they do not allow it to be.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Thank you. That would be a rational approach. And is there a correct way to broach this subject. Also in our past conersations he has said he doesn't believe in mental health disorders. by the way Long Term Relationship. Im learning lingo as well.

-- Sat Sep 08, 2012 3:08 am --

By the way. I have to say this site has been extremely helpful and informative. Thank you to all of you that have posted.

Yes. It very much is. You just have to be prepared for many highs and lows.

I have been married for 15 years. It has been difficult at times for both of us. A normal marriage is that though. He doesn't known what to expect from me many times. He feels as though I push him away. As though he can't do anything to keep me happy. Something I recently have learned has absolutely nothing to do with him. I have my acting out. Threaten to leave. Go through periods of depression. I could continue on. The point is he stands by me. He is always here for me. Sometimes it might be to hold me. Sometimes to be my reasoning. Sometimes to just give me space. He never abandons me and never has. I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in this world.

He is my best friend. And though he doesn't understand it and you may not as well for him to be that to me is so much more than just being my husband. Meaning I place more significance on that. It's forever. If I were to ever lose him my world would come to a stop.

Best advice: Patience. Understanding. Love/Caring/Affection.

reflection wrote:Yes. It very much is. You just have to be prepared for many highs and lows.

I have been married for 15 years. It has been difficult at times for both of us. A normal marriage is that though. He doesn't known what to expect from me many times. He feels as though I push him away. As though he can't do anything to keep me happy. Something I recently have learned has absolutely nothing to do with him. I have my acting out. Threaten to leave. Go through periods of depression. I could continue on. The point is he stands by me. He is always here for me. Sometimes it might be to hold me. Sometimes to be my reasoning. Sometimes to just give me space. He never abandons me and never has. I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in this world.

He is my best friend. And though he doesn't understand it and you may not as well for him to be that to me is so much more than just being my husband. Meaning I place more significance on that. It's forever. If I were to ever lose him my world would come to a stop.

Best advice: Patience. Understanding. Love/Caring/Affection.

Amen.

Patience, understanding, loving, caring, and affectionate is what, for me, the most important thing to be felt, especially because I never was given that as a small child.

It's kinda funny. I was talking to my boyfriend and he told me that he didn't know how I could survive for so long under those kinds of conditions... Being abused physically, mentally, and sexually for so long. I told him that most of what I do feel is very negative, and it's because of how I had grown up. I did, however, tell him that I do feel happiness on occasion, and I am learning to cherish that because it is rare for me to actually feel happy. He then ended up calling himself a failure because he was so traumatized by his own emotions that he ended up placing them inside other people. I felt terrible for him. He's been through so much, that it's not fair. I'd rather take his pain for myself then see him feel beat up.

cls wrote:I fell deeply in love with a man that through my doctor and research which has led me to the figure out he has BPD. He has pushed me away in the latest get out part of the cycle. Now because of love I have for him I don't want to walk away and also to possibly get him treatment. How do you do this if your not suppose to mention I think you might have this go check it out. Also I would like to know from someone is it truly possible to maintain a LTR with an untreated BPD. He is 53 now. Thank you.

cls, may i ask what his past relationship history is? and how long you two have been together?

Thank you for this site. It has helped a great deal. So my guy knows he has BPD all but said the words. I told him I have been educating myself on this and that Im will always be here for him. and if I was aware of this on the onset of our relationship I would have handled things differently. It is not his fault . Now he said he went to a place with me he wished he would never have gone because he loved me and because he went there he will never be able to love me like he wishes. Also said thank you very much he appreciated me. Well here are my 2 problems. 1. Nobodys perfect and I love him more than enough and have the patience to live in his world. However to my understanding when BPDers are done there is no going back for them. And I have no say? And if he knows understands he prefers the rush than treatment to sustain a relationship? 2. What does this say about myself that Im for the lack of a better term chasing the white rabbit?

Im sorry didnt really respond to the last post before. I have known him for 7 years In a intimate relationship for 4 months. His past history married once this is when he 1st saw a therapist. Which I am assuming this is when he was told or became aware of his disorder. Stemed from his mother abandonment issue. After his wife not sure until the woman previously to me she ended up moving to a different state. Everybody thinks he is just a "control freak". Which I addressed with him. Gave proper response. Now through out our past he gave me bits and pieces of his disorder but scince I was unaware of it. I didnt put 2 and 2 together until the now.

That isn't necessarily the case with BPD. When we say no, it can often times be a "test" if you will. I've caught myself MANY times doing this kind of "test" with my current boyfriend. And most of the times, when I realize it, the "test" is almost over and he either passed, or he's too stubborn to actually fall for it and passes but without taking the action in the way that I am more comfortable.

Many people will call this manipulation. But honestly, those with BPD tend to SUCK at manipulating people. This emotional manipulation that BPDers do to others is completely unintentional. I've tried, very poorly, to actually manipulate others, and rarely does it ever work. But when I am triggered and I am vocal about it (lashing out either to myself or others) and somebody does see it, that's when I somehow am able to manipulate... I don't take that chance in trying to manipulate because when I do (I did it a few times before) I end up feeling guilt ridden and a monster for doing that to somebody that cares about me.

I am more under the impression that your guy is only testing you to see if you really WILL stay next to him through thick and thin. Often times, he may have heard that promise from many other women and obviously he feels that they lied and "abandoned" him. The thing is, our fear of abandonment, is often times VERY illogical. So we want our partner to prove to us that they are serious. That they do love us. That we are good people. But no matter how many times they prove it, we still feel like it's not enough, and doing this deadly dance is what causes our illogical fear to become logical when our partner realizes that there is nothing they can do to make us happy and leaves. Thus we cause our loved ones to abandon us because of the hatred and disgust we feel for ourselves. For me, often times I'm just like, "I knew you would leave me. I told you that I was a horrible person. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be loved. Everything bad that happened in my life is my fault and I deserved every single moment of it. People only pretend to care because they pity me. I thought you were different, but I was wrong. I'm going to become the crazy cat lady with 5o cats and die alone".

I also get the impression that your guy may be ready to actually get help but doesn't know where to start, or that he may not be ready because of fear of change. I know some with BPD, myself included, have a fear of change. I developed mine because when I was very little, everything was constantly changing. My father would constantly be away (at work and with an other woman) and for a few years in my life, he was gone. But when he was there, we often times moved around because of his work. So I would always "make" new friends, but then suddenly, I would have to leave, or they would have to leave (my father was in the military so we lived on base most of the time) and I felt like I was abandoning them, or they were abandoning me... Even at an early age. Then my parents split up and my father, ended up leaving my life, only stopping by every so often. He got married to a horrible woman who has two children, and I feel like he replaced my mom, my sister and me with them. He rarely talks to us. And with me, it's even more pathetic because I live with his parents, and he calls them more than he calls me still.

I really don't see this as you chasing the white rabbit. I think that this is a good time for you to show him that you will be there for him, but because you are now aware of the ""manipulation" those with BPD have, you can at least try and look t it as logical as possible. Know when to put your foot down, but not in a way where he feels like you are leaving him. And the fact that you are very willing to actually look for information about his condition and wanting to help him is good. I am kinda envious of him because he has somebody that does want to learn more about what triggers his moods, and want to help him sort out those feelings... But then again, my boyfriend just doesn't want to learn about BPD because he knows about his manipulative behavior and knows that it will cause more harm than good.

Thank you so much for taking the time to educate me. I truly cannot tell you enough of thank you's. He is the one that pushed me away. before I knew about this. Which I dont consider myself stupid but without knowing. when he says get out i hate you after an amazing time together. I left. If i had have known I would have never. Today a week later from the last episode he says I still love you. I have reiterated the fact I will always be here but respect his decisions. everybody thinks Im not all there to want to deal but as I said I truly love him. Its hard but now, i know I can deal. he still kinda of shutting me out persay. Don't know how to regain that trust with him If im tested i can only not be over bearing to say Im still here not going anywhere. I feel that if someone said you have cancer or otherwise would you walk away? Its a condition not your life. As far as your boyfriend all as I have to say is knowledge is power over uncontrolable things. And his life would be truly better to take an intrest, denial as we all know doesn't work. And as much as from my perspective he does take an intrest and truly love you maybe as he is not letting you know hes researching it on his own. Because he doesn't run. cls