I was recently dumped by my exgf, who I now think has BPD. The thing is, I'm not too sure what is related to her possible BPD or what is her fear of coming out... Any advice would be massively appreciated.
I met this girl through my cousin this time last year. She was finally out to people in our area (she went to Uni here) after a long drawn-out process. Everyone knew, but she was only then admitting it. Her family and old friends still didn't have a clue tho. When we met I'd be single for 18 months after a 6 year relationship with this great guy. I'd never been with a girl before and initially I resisted her advances - she put her hand down my top and kissed me the first night I met her. She text me an apology for "bad behaviour" two days later and from there we started up a friendship. She pursued me, relentlessly and very aggresively, and eventually we got together. No one knew about us, because I didn't want my family finding out about us. It was an incredibly intense r/s from day one. She told me how everyone else had hurt her, cheated on her, lied to her, treated her badly - even her mum would make disparaging comments about her appearance. How she knew she had to break up with her college bf because she knew she was gay and when they had sex she started feeling like he was raping her. When she dumped him she said she knew it was the right thing because he was distraught and cried his eyes out, and she knew she was doing the right thing because she didnt have much of an emotional reaction to his dispair. He attempted suicide after she dumped him apparently. She was always the victim tho, and she was happy she'd finally found 'the one' for her. Of course, I was her saviour. I would build her back up and remind her how awesome she was and not to be too hard on herself. She would say that no one was as nice to her as I was, and that I was out of her league etc.
After 3 weeks she was "completely in love" with me, after 4 weeks she dropped in that she would kill herself if anything ever happened to me, after 5 wanted me to move in with her. I had noticed her tendency to drink a lot of wine (every night we'd have a bottle) and take co-codomol (painkillers) "to help her sleep". After 6 weeks she drunkenly told me that she hated herself, felt it was abnormal and unnatural being gay, that she was probably always meant to be alone and unhappy, that she had often thought about suicide and that she thought she might kill herself when she felt happy because how you felt when you died was how you felt forever.. so many red flags. She said to get out because she wasn't good at r/s and she didnt want that (gay) kind of life for me bceause it was awful. I tried to get her to seek help with her issues but she wouldn't. It wasn't an option. I had contacted local LGBT counselling service but she refused to go because of her job. After 12 weeks she told me that it was a case of when
she asked me to marry her. Her job as a doctor means that she has to move around the country a lot with her training, so when she was told her next 3year placement would be in her home county she asked would I move with her. She wanted us to move in together, so I applied for a position down there too. Her parents would be living only 40 minutes away at this point, and she still hadn't told them she way gay, let alone had a gf she was planning on living with. Two weeks before my job interview we argued over the phone - we hadn't seen each other properly for that month because of conflicting work schedules, plus we lived an hour apart. Before then it was every day, all the time. Anyway after that argument she told me in the following week that she was worried that I was only still with her because she'd got upset. I tried to reassure her that I was with her because I loved her, but clearly it didn't sink in. The next weekend she initiated another silly argument over the phone. She had just been showing us places to live on the internet two days earlier, and from nowhere she accused me of going through her old phone and calling an ex of hers - something I absolutely denied. She was hysterical, crying and clearly went on self-destruct, necking a whole bottle of wine, was outside on the beach (I could hear the sea in the background and told her to get back inside). We ended the conversation with us both telling the other we loved each other - her words: I love you in every possible way. I nearly drove down to her that night, something id done before when she'd gotten upset. I dont know why I didnt but I really regret not going down. Anyway, she drove up to mine the next day after no sleep and drinking, doing god knows what and ended it. We never got on, apparently, we didn't work and we had to split up. She said she still loved me and wanted to be with me so much but it had to end because we just dont get on. News to me.. we were best friends. We had a stressful r/s, hiding it from so many people fr so long, the anxiety of telling my family about us, it wasn't a level playing field, not like any other r/s, so much stress. But we loved each other, or so I thought. Our r/s history was rewritten by her that day. I was absolutely stunned and devastated, cried my eyes out and (sadly!) begged her to stay, asked her what happened to the girl who "would never leave" me. All this 6 days before my interview. Conveniently her family still don't know that she's gay.
I've seen her once since the break up, 10 days post break-up, to get my things, and she was upset and so was I. I hugged her when she cried and she said she didn't deserve to be hugging me. She told me she would have found it easier if I'd been angry with her. I wasn't, I told her I understood that she was scared to tell her family, but she didn't need to dump me, I would have understood (I'd told mine after 4 months). She said: "I know you think I'm a wimp". Since then, she's been slightly aggressive with me, sending me a few arsey text messages the following week about a conversation I'd had with a friend of hers (I said to look out for my ex because I was worried she'd pretend she was fine when she wasn't). 6 weeks post break-up she was flirting with a 21-year-old girl on fb, it was very public, clearly they were together but writing posts on her wall, and she tagged my ex in a gay bar with her. That was so painful. I would never do that to her, and never do it to someone I'd just dumped and broken their heart. It felt like that was designed to make me jealous, and as if it were her way of saying: See, I can tell people
. The thing is, I feel as though she's misconstrued my love and support. I only ever wanted to be a support to her, not for her to do it out of spite for me. I didnt respond to anything of course, I didn't want her knowing it had upset me. She deleted me a few days later. I've not heard a peep from her since, and she's made no attempt to contact me. I had asked if we could remain friends but she clearly doesn't want to.
I was so confused, what had happened? I really couldn't work out what I'd done wrong? I started looking in to her bizarre behaviour, how you can be happy you've found the love of your life one day and the next you've cut them out of your life... and it's then I stumbled across Borderline Personality Disorder. It's like everything's clicked. I've worked hard to understand what has gone on, reading as much as I can to try to understand the disorder. I've been a mess, not slept properly for weeks, lost just under 20lbs(!), it's it's consumed me for the last 3 months, it's been the hardest time of my life. She has deleted me from fb, twitter, Skype, you name it, and we've been NC ever since. I ask myself what's happened, I'm the first ex she's ever deleted from facebook. Her first (unofficial) gf who treated her like rubbish, cheated on her and dumped her is still there. I am trying to understand that she's living with a lot of shame and guilt, and to cope has to project her bad feelings on to me and therefore cut me out of her life. It's been hard, because I've never been anything other than kind and loving to her, but I am beginning to understand, ish, why she's done this. She thought, or was at least worried I was distancing myself that month we didn't see each other (object constancy), but those two arguments were enough to make her dump me first? I'm trying to understand it... she was scared by the thought of me abandoning her, yet when she was dumping me I was clearly devastated and didn't want to end our r/s. so why do it? How does that work? And why cut me out completely, like I don't exist. The timing of her deleting me was after she found out I had the job in the new city, and would therefore be moving there too. Clearly she didn't want me going.
Anyway, that was just over 3 months ago, and 2/3 weeks ago I was asked out by this guy. I had been massively struggling with getting over my exgf - I'm still in love with her - but my friends convinced me to go. Anyway, Im not sure I trust myself anymore. He is very intense too, has wanted to see me almost every day since we met and to be honest Im starting to feel a bit crowded by him. I'm starting making up excuses of being busy, just so I can have space. I don't want to stop seeing him, I don't think, I just think maybe I need a bit of space. 11 weeks after being dumped and heartbroken, its probably too much for me to get in to something so serious again.
The thing is, there just isn't the chemistry there with this guy that my exgf and I had. It's hard. We were crazy about each other (I thought and was lead to believe). My exgf is high-functioning, but emotionally a mess, and I'm the only one who saw it. I only ever tried to comfort her and tell her how perfect she was to me. I was the only one she'd ever let in that close. I'm moving to the same small city as her in just under 4 weeks and I'm dreading running in to her. I wish I knew that she'd be civil with me. It's the uncertainty that plagues me. I'm guessing her post break-up behaviour makes me think I'm black to her, I know her flaws (and she thinks I was about to reject her for them?), and so I'm the enemy for now. I feel like this is taking over my life, I can't stop thinking about what's gone on. I'm obsessing about, it's on my mind 24/7. I don't really have too many people to talk about this with - everyone is sick of talking about it, and they're telling me to move on and forget her - if only I could. My best mate and I were supposed to be moving to Japan together - he's been there for 5 months already, but of course I didn't go because my ex, and her friends, asked me to stay. I was moving to be with her. It's funny when you look back and realise how much you were sacrificing, and there wasnt much in return. Two weeks after the break up the same friend who told me to stay because my ex was in love with me sent me a message calling me a "f***ing idiot"... not sure what I ever did to deserve that. I just responded by saying that if never doing anything to hurt me ex, loving and caring about her always makes me a effin idiot then so be it. She didn't respond to that.
I just feel lost, like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel the same way about this guy that I did about my ex. How can I when I still love her and think about her constantly? I wanted to see her as much as I could, and I find myself making excuses to be busy with him. I know that's not fair to him, and I'd never want to hurt anyone. But this whole episode has made me question everything. I feel so used and abused. I haven't got a therapist but I think I might need one. I keep wondering if I'm gay? Or bisexual? It's made me question everything I've ever known. Does she have BPD? All the evidence and the last year that I've lived through points to this, but what if she doesn't? What if this is just her fear of coming out that's made her behave this way? She's 27, but emotionally very young. She dysregulates with me regularly, overreacting to everything, hypersensitive, she triangulated with exgf's to keep me on my toes, would threaten to crash the car if we argued by veering the car from side to side, she even headbutted the wall in another argument. I'm sure it's BPD, but how much of that is her fear to come out and her self-loathing for being gay?
I'm scared that she'll come back to me one day and I'll have to go through all this heartbreak yet again. I thought she'd never leave me because she loved me, so how can I think she'll never come back because she 'hates' me? I'm terrified that she'll come back before I'm strong enough to say no and move on. I would love to know we could work out, but I'm so fragile after this whole ordeal I dont think I'd survive a second dumping. At the moment she's happy with me not existing so I can't see her coming back to me anytime soon.
Sorry, long post! It seems I just can't be concise. You know what it's like when you could talk about it all day... Any advice would be so welcome. I have no one to talk this through with and I'm going crazy going over it in my head. Thanks, Seb